CRUISE FAMILY HEIRLOOM !

Makes me wonder how they'll commemorate little Suri losing her virginity..

WORK IN PROGRESS...

Well I've "upgraded" my template in blogger beta and I'm not 100% satisfied.
It's difficult to find complimentary colors,and I can't put my clock and moon phase in until "Raw Editing" is available..Blogger assures me that it's coming soon,but the bastards could have mentioned it a hell of a lot sooner,as template substitution is irreversible.
These old eyes need contrast,but if anyone finds these colors to be truly offensive,PLEASE feel free to say so in a diplomatic fashion.
FOR EXAMPLE:

Sling,..dude,...your blog looks like total shit...

...along with any suggestions you may have...
grish-...The sidebar is fully "drop and drag"..I've kept them in their usual order,but they can be placed in any sequence you choose.All of the colors and fonts are customizable.

I REALLY miss my clock...

EDIT: Oh yeah,...The red font in my last post,..DAMM!..It even hurts my eyes..

ASK SLING

Dear Sling;
My husband and I are having a most distressing time finding a suitable pet for our darling 6 year old son,Schmendrick
All of the little companions we've purchased for him seem to come to an untimely end within a few days of bringing them home.
The kitten,..somehow managed to find it's way into the microwave when it was set on "Extra Crispy".
The hamster,..strangled to death on the drawstrings of the Venetian blinds in an apparent suicide.
The goldfish,.,accidentally crushed between the pages of Dr. Suess' "One fish,two fish,red fish,dead fish".
Little Schmendrick loves his pets,and is anxious to begin taking care of a brand new "Friend".
Can you suggest a pet that might be a bit more sturdy?

Yours Truly,
Queen of Denial

Dear,Wake up and smell the carnage;
WHAT THE??...have you lost you mother fucking mind woman!!
Didn't you ever consider the ramifications of giving birth to evil incarnate when you became the concubine of Beelzebub??
Anyway,..I'm here to help,so here is my advice.
I'm pretty sure the problem is that you have been putting too much responsibility on such a young child.It can be difficult to care for creatures that have such delicate constitutions.
I heartily recommend adopting a fully grown,recently captured in the wild,Badger..Or better yet,..Wolverine!..They are already able to fend quite well for themselves and will adapt easily to their surroundings if you lock them in a quiet room with little Schmendrick for a few hours,and allow them to "Bond"...You will hear the happy sounds of spirited camaraderie shattering the silence within a very few minutes!
Did I mention I have puppies?....

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

From the shadowy depths they came...

PUPPIES FROM HELL!!!...

We didn't even know Shelby was prego.
These guys were about a week old when we discovered them.

A MINOR REBELLION

I haven't had a driver's license for over ten years...By choice.
I had my driver's license suspended for 1 year for refusing to take a breathalyzer test.I wasn't drunk.I hadn't been drinking.I passed the roadside test.
In Colorado,and probably most states,a police officer can pull you over and demand a breath/blood alcohol test,and deny you legal counsel under threat of losing your license if you refuse to comply.

WELL SCREW YOU!!..

Nevermind that you can be forced to incriminate yourself,how do I know they aren't randomly searching for suitable organ donor's for some fat-ass politician?...Maybe I'm a perfect match for some Bazillionaire industrial mogul,and end up being spirited away in the middle of the night by his henchmen to undergo "harvesting" against any future organic dellimas he might suffer!..Could happen.

I took it to trial,refusing to "take a deal",and was found NOT GUILTY of drunk driving by a jury of my peers..Still,they wouldn't reinstate my license for a year."Driving is a privelege"..So they can use it to intimidate,and coerce people into accepting abuses of our civil rights..I simply find this unacceptable.

So even though I can get a driver's license by paying a small reinstatement fee,and taking the driver's test,they can kiss my ass.

NOW what'cha gonna take?...punks.

I get everywhere I need to go on ol' blue.In most cases,faster than if I drove a car.It's my way of taking away their hammer...A minor rebellion.

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TAKE ONE FOR A TEST SPIN TODAY!!

HUMP DAY

How did it get to be Wednesday already?
Somewhere along the line I lost a day.Normally I'd just ascribe it to the usual,"Alien abduction and bizarre medical experiment" scenario,but I almost always have the lingering sense of having been probed after that....In any case,..It's nice that the week is going by quickly.
I've noticed a slightly whimsical bent taking place on my blogroll lately.I get the sense that most of you are happy and comfortable,and this pleases me.It's not surprising really.I've always enjoyed being around people that are bright,and funny,and can look at the world with that moderately twisted,and deliciously ironic point of view.
In that vein,I'm adding leo to my list of highly entertaining blogs...Gotta love the Irish.
Some of you may recall a recent post in which I asked for help in deciphering the term "Emo"...I received numerous and helpful responses, for which I am most grateful.Allan over at CamelsbackandForth sent me a great link on how to be Emo.If you have a couple o' minutes check it out.It's funny as Hell...Peace Out.

...SO I YELLED "FIRE!!"..

..because I figured nobody would come if I yelled Chocolate...With the possible exception of jane,lorraine,and yellowdog granny....That was WAY too easy! :)

EDIT:What's with the liquor and mixers??...Hell,..toss me a hooker and I'll just chill here for awhile.

THIS IS MY PLAN

I'm going to bury as many time capsules as I can.
In each one will be a note giving the exact date and time I buried it.
I'll be asking whoever finds it to visit me there,if they have perfected time travel.
Results should be instantaneous.
I also plan on having a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken with me,..just in case..

GOT HIM!

Nearly 10 years ago,I was living in Colorado when 6 year old JonBenet Ramsey was found murdered in the basement of the family home in Boulder.It was an unimaginable,high profile crime that occurred right on the heels of the O.J. Simpson debacle.
The parents lawyered up instantly,casting immediate suspicion upon themselves.The Boulder police department came under a constant barrage of criticism from the press for the way they handled the case.Like I said,the whole incident occurred in the shadow of O.J.,and no one wanted to make a mistake.I'm convinced that the Simpson trial had created an atmosphere in which the judicial system,and the police in particular were viewed with suspicion and distrust.That makes me sad for little JonBenet,and more than a little ashamed of myself.
For 10 years,I've been convinced that the Boulder police made an irretrievable mess of the investigation,and that the parents/parent were clearly involved.

Yesterday,41 year old John Mark Karr was arrested,and confessed,to the murder.This is the full measure of attention he gets on my Blog.

Sleep tight Sunshine.

DRUNKEN PHOTOGRAPHY

Zombie Sling..

A COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF THINGS I DON'T KNOW..

..would fill the Library of Congress,so I won't try to enumerate them all here.

I hate not knowing the answer to a question.More than that,I hate not being able to find the answer on my own.I'm really quite obsessive about it,scouring the library or the Internet until I come up with everything you ever wanted to know about "How birdseed is made",or whatever.(They LOOK like marijuana seeds after all)...Anyway..

Recently,a question has come up that is driving me straight to distraction.I can't eat.I can't sleep.People keep asking me why I have that blank stare on my face.

What the HELL is an "Emo?"..Everywhere I look it's "Emo this",or "Emo that",and I can't decipher the meaning because it always seems to be used in a different context.I thought briefly about asking one of the kids in the neighborhood,but I just KNEW they would point at me laughing and say,"YOU ARE!".Children can be so cruel.So I figured it would be easier on my self-esteem if I posed the question here,in the sure and certain knowledge that everyone knows but me,and the answer will be so simple that,while I'll still look like a tragic fool,my readers are thoroughly accustomed to that.

EDIT:A profound "Thank you" goes out to pat for "Bowfin"...Is that a relative of the Tuna?....shit.

PLEASE BE PATIENT!..

Part-Time Cat is currently undergoing extensive training in "Attack Cat" theory and practice...For your own safety,step away from the seemingly worthless,over indulged,flea bitten fur bisquit!..

THE ONCE IN A LIFETIME,BAR NONE,"HERE'S ONE FOR THE HISTORY BOOKS",BEST POST EVER!!..

..That's what I had written.

Take my word for it!..It was a well thought out,masterfully crafted and insightful piece of top o' the line Bloggerism...Then I clicked ,"Publish Post" and the whole thing went to shit.

"Blogger is temporarily down for scheduled maintenance between 4:00 P.M. and 4:45 P.M."....WELL,NO SHIT!!..Why,of course you are!..It can't be reproduced,..the words had flowed like,...well,...stuff that flows really easy!

I mean,..I've had EXACTLY a 45 minute window in the last two days to pay proper attention to my Blog,and everything constructive I had to say was summarily executed with the press of a button...SO,..You all get to hear me rant instead. :P

*** BUSINESS WOULD BE GREAT!" ***

...If it weren't for the customers..

One of the fellas that normally does installations has been out sick the last two days,so I abandoned my usual duties in an effort to complete a couple of jobs.After all,money doesn't change hands until the work is done,..Know what I'm sayin'?..

Anywhang,..I had all but forgotten how much I really dislike dealing with the public.
"How much does that weigh?"
"Do you guys actually cut the trees yourself?"
"If I want to change colors later,how do I go about that?"
Jeesuus lady!!...Can't you just enjoy your new cabinets and shut the fuck up???..No,I didn't say that.I answered her questions with a comforting smile,and even offered some "insider" tips on how to maintain the beauty and function of her newly renovated kitchen for years to come...and it gave me an historic knot in my stomach to refrain from shoving a solid Oak toekick up her ass.

I really,REALLY, shouldn't be allowed in public...I know this..

I love my ethereal Blogger friends.Safely tucked away in the netherworld of my laptop.Always there...Always supportive.

It's just that,..The more people I meet in real life,..the more I like my dog.

I'm posting the two pix I was able to take in between the incessant parade of inane questions our highly valued customer sought to inflict.Time,and patience,had been thoroughly drained...Peace Out.

CAN'T WE JUST STOP THE GEEKERY??

Okay,...I LOVE "Bells and Whistles"..
When I fire up my computron,I wanna see shit that nobody else has.
At least,not in the same configuration.

The pic on the top is my GUI (graphical user interface)...Okay,it's my desktop,..but I like to say GUI because frankly,it makes my nipples hard.
The pic on the bottom is my start menu.

The moon(which tracks the actual phases),the digital clock,and the Yahoo search bar on the bottom left are courtesy of Yahoo Widgets.

The wallpaper and" Middle Earth" style skin have been downloaded and customized from Wincustomize..You can also download some way nifty Bootscreens and Login screens as well,covering just about any style or subject you can imagine!

Most of the Icons I created myself using a fun little program I "procured"..(ahem).. called Easy Icon Maker.Thank you Ares!

Overall,it's fun and creative...It's the perfect Summertime treat!..

ASK SLING

Dear Sling;
Part of my job as a librarian is to catalogue the various magazines we receive,and set them out so that our patrons may find them easily,according to their particular subject matter.
We recently received a copy of "Baby Talk" magazine,and I must tell you that I was SHOCKED and APPALLED at the cover photo!
Mr Sling,it was a most disturbing portrait of an infant caught in the act of suckling at his mother's breast!...Oh,my stars and garters!...I nearly had a stroke right then and there!..I mean,It was an actual teat,(if you'll pardon my use of the "T" word).
What,in the name of common decency,am I to do?
Shall I file it under "Degenerate pornography" along with "The Tropic of Cancer"?...Or would it be better if I simply burned it so that the male population of our little midwestern burg aren't driven into a catastrophic sexual frenzy?
yours Truly,
Self-appointed guardian of the public morals

Dear,Pinched in,self-righteous,monumental douchebag,
Please,...if there's a God in Heaven,..somebody put a bullet in my head...Why do we continue to manufacture an endless supply of thoroughly amazing,fatally reactionary,steaming piles of equestrian excrement???
Sonofabitch!!
Anyway,..I'm here to help,..so here is my advice.
The quickest,and most efficient way to ensure that this issue doesn't infect the delicate sensibilities of your inbred little community is to roll it up,tight as you can,and insert it horizontally into whatever bodily orifice it is least likely to fit.

EDIT:By the way,NICE TIT!

IT'S A GEEK THING..

The Lizzard King turned me on to the "Avant" browser.
It has a couple of cool features.The one I like best is the full screen view it gives of web pages.The nav bar only appears when you move the cursor to the top of the page.
The other cool thing is a translate option under "tools".Pretty useful for translating the many foreign language blogs I run into while clicking the next blog button.It will convert the page to English,or from English to several different languages.....kinda fun..
The pic is my last post in French.