SLING'S DOMAIN

The Wrath of the Post Office..Episode IV.

2010-09-28T17:31:00.000-07:00

My ever continuing battle with the Post Office has raged on,subsequent to my last installment.
Ten days turned into two weeks,..turned into sixteen days,without a trace of the lost checks to be found.
Finally,and at last,I contacted all the parties involved in an effort to void the errant instruments,and issue new ones in their stead.

..No problem.

All it took was three phone calls,(which sucked up 72 minutes of pre-paid cell phone time),to convince them that the checks had been lost to the nether regions of Post Office hell,and that I was indeed who I claimed to be,..and could they please FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD kick me down their replacements!!

Yesterday,I received the affidavits necessary to set the wheels of recompense in motion.
Two pages of ass-covering legalese wherein I pledged allegiance to Mammon,god of banking,that the checks have been lost,stolen,or destroyed,..and that if by some miracle they should ever find their way to my new address,I would not under any circumstances attempt to cash them!
They have assured me that the whole matter will be set aright ~~at the speed of a Post Office worker on Vallium~~,...within ten days.

Well don'cha know I filled them suckers out lickity-split,put them into my mail box this very morning,and dutifully raised the little red flag that alerts the postman to outgoing correspondence in need of immediate attention!

Diligent civil servant that he is,he retrieved that precious plea just two hours ago in accordance with his daily duties,so that it is now winging it's way off to fulfill it's noble mission!

...Guess what he delivered at that self-same moment,none the worse for wear,.embossed with little yellow stickers advising me to 'notify sender of new address'?

I am so NOT.FUCKING.KIDDING...

Sling Trek II: The Wrath of the Post Office....

2010-09-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

There's a black hole,..right here in the center of O-Town!
A perpetually swirling vortex of unfathomable chaos,where the immutable laws of physics collapse upon themselves,and the inter-dimensional barriers between our familiar plane of existence,and theoretical parallel universes are breached.
A gravitational nightmare from which matter,light,..and the U.S. Mail cannot escape.

..and it's all my fault.

I initiated this catastrophic phenomenon when I recklessly submitted a 'Change of address' form to the Post Office.
This set in motion a chain of events whereby ALL my mail was sucked into the bureaucratic abyss for a period of no less than 10 days!
..No letters..No statements..NO PAYCHECKS!!

Still,and inexplicably,..it was no problem for the wizards at the Post Office to somehow circumvent the insatiable cosmic behemoth,and forward this 'Change of address Confirmation' letter to my new address..

So it would seem that the great black hole of O-Town is beginning to loosen it's grip,and that finally,time,space,and my income will return to their proper functions.

The only thing left is to solve the riddle of the 'Addressee Paradox'.

The confirmation includes the explicit instruction;..'If the information contained on this page is incorrect...please call 1-800-ASK-USPS'..

The Addressee Paradox poses the question:..If the information contained in the letter is incorrect,..how did I receive it?

Next to an acute attack of searing stomach cramps..

2010-09-04T15:22:00.000-07:00

..I like moving best.

I love traveling,and really love living in different places from time to time,..but that whole process of pulling up stakes,stuffing every nic-nac-paddy-whackin' thing I own into poorly labeled boxes,and hauling it over to the new digs,..not so muckin' fuch.

It's that German/Capricorn/anal-retentive portion of my programming that reviles at the disarray and confusion,however brief,that quite naturally accompanies the endeavor..
(Pauses to rearrange mousepad precisely 5/8 inches from,and parallel to laptop)..

Happily,the thing is done,and I'm now properly ensconced in my new corporate headquarters, still located right here in O-Town!

PLUS!..as an added bonus,..I have a genial new room mate,whom I shall hereafter refer to as 'Smee'!

'Wazzat?',..you ask...'Smee??'

That's what I said!..Our conversation went something like this;
Sling: 'I'll be blogging about you..What would you like your blog moniker to be?'
Smee: ..'Smee!'
Sling: 'You want it to be,..Smee?'
Smee: 'Yes,..I want it to be Smee'.
Sling: 'No you don't'..
Smee: 'Yes I do'.
Sling:..'Fine then'.

No doubt,there will be many and varied yarns to spin around Smee,and his two Beagle hounds,..Amy,and Allie!

Not to worry,..I'll still be visiting the Lizzard clan as well,..so that will help curb some o' that pesky separation anxiety we're all bound to experience..

7 year cycles..

2010-08-28T22:40:00.000-07:00

I've written before about how the times of my life tend to play themselves out in 7 year cycles.,and thus,at the age of 56,it's time for another cycle to begin.
This plan was made known to me when I turned 21,so I've come to look forward to these shifts in the continuum with great expectations.
This Sunday,Sling's Domain will be moving it's corporate headquarters a couple of miles up the road into a brand new house!
Quite naturally,I'll be documenting this transition just as soon as I can get hooked up to the Interweaves,which may take a time.
Still,..and between now and then,..know this to be true!
It's Saturday,..and life is good in Sling's Domain!

Pop Quiz,..and

2010-08-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

NAME THAT PLANT!..One of my favorite tenants at Winston Gardens is a sprightly Elven lass that,aside from a bountiful vegetable garden,maintains a colorful variety of potted plants.
She has no clue what this plant is called,so I told her I would post pics of it here in Bloggertown,because my readers pretty much know everything.

..The leaves are kind of velvety,with these beautiful symmetrically furled edges.

There's a homemade blackberry cobbler in it,..for me.

..More fantastical succulents,from a different tenant's garden.

I think just about everyone is familiar with Sunflowers,and that they tend to have these ginormous 10-12 foot stalks.

They are grown right here in O-Town,and you can find acres of them that have been bred to grow only about 4 foot tall,for commercial purposes.

You can't tell from this perspective,but this is one of them..

I had to kneel down in front of it to take this pic.

I really don't think it's fair that such an inviting entrance should have a private property sign posted out front.

..I think I'll just ignore it.

I'm sure these are the same species of Praying Mantis,though they come in two different colors 'round these parts.

I'm guessin' these are both males,which have more slender abdomens than females.

..I'll attach no anthropomorphic significance to that.

Okay...Rasputin is just an idiot.

Back when I was a real fossil hound,scouring the canyons of Colorado,I would travel for miles with my eye to the ground in search of bits of dinosaur bone,arrowheads,ammonites,and the like.

Once,after hours of being hunched over focusing on whatever was 2 feet in front of me,I sat down on a cliff side to take a break.

Stretching the kinks out of my neck and back,I noticed that the whole face of the cliff was covered with fossilised plant stems and leaves.

It was really quite cool.

I left them in situ,because that's the kind of fossil guy I am.

I did,however,make a mental note to myself that every once in a while,..it's important to look up..

Sliding back into Blogging mode,as if the years had never passed..

2010-08-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

..the prodigal Sling returns.

We've done great things over at "Against 1070" ,'lo,..these past several months,..and after receiving thousands!(3) of cards and letters,today seems like a good day to switch gears,and get back into some regular ~~minor fabrications,flights of imagination,and outright lies~~ accounts of life..Such as it is.

"What's so special about today?",..you ask,..with more than just a little impertinence,I must say.

..To which I respond:

********It's Lizzard King's Birthday!********

Yep!...33 years ago on this very date,Mom O' LK ~~acquired him from the Gypsies in trade for a gallon of Mad-Dog 20/20,..and a carton of Pall Malls~~ gave birth to a bouncing baby newt!

Here,in my continuing effort to harass and embarrass him,is an early photo of the future King of Lizzards as a young lad,which I retrieved just hours ago from my giant stainless steel vault..

Who could have known then,that this Sawyeresque young scalawag would grow up to be the handsome rogue he is today,..with a bright and endearing Little Newt of his very own?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUDDY!

I love it when the Artichokes are in bloom!

2010-07-27T17:18:00.000-07:00

Two asses..
I'm told they stand like this so that they can swipe flies from each other's faces with their tails.

I've been trying to get a pic of the LifeFlight chopper for awhile,but usually I can't get my camera ready in time..

This was a fortunate freeze frame shot,..albeit from a little more distance than I would have liked.

This handpainted fellow has a wingspan of about 6 inches!

I like this one..It's peaceful.

You're not paranoid,if they really are watching you.

This is that scraggly Crepe Myrtle we planted last Fall.

Nice to see it 'took'.

I didn't get a single decent photo of the O-Town fourth of July fireworks,but I did get a shakey shot of the traditional red,white,blue,and some shade of tan with this one.

Can you spot the newly hatched little fledge in this pic?

The lady that owns this succulent has had it for 3 years,and this is the first time it has flowered!

It doesn't look real..

It wasn't lightning,or wind that took these limbs down,but hydraulic pressure!

In the excessive heat we've had this summer,water and sap rise so violently that the tree literally explodes.

Gizzy never moves..At least,days will go by and she'll be in the same spot the whole time.

So,I'm guessin' this mouse must have crawled in her mouth,and commited suicide.

..Probably the last time Rasputin drinks any more of my cheap brown liquor..

I've been spending every spare moment since Arizona governor Jan Brewer signed SB1070,working to get the damn thing repealed.

Federal judge Susan Bolton heard arguments against it last week,and could issue a ruling at any time.

It is scheduled to go into effect on Thursday..

SB90210..

2010-07-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

I am sure it will come as no surprise to any God fearing American living in today's world,that America is under attack by a ruthless,and here-to-fore unchecked segment of the population. Ravenous hordes of malevolent intruders upon our shores,whose sole intent is to drain our resources,inflict their foreign lifestyle upon our citizens,maliciously disrupt our way of life,and reject the moral principles our country's founding fathers put in place over 200 years ago.
Yes,..I'm talking about the clear and present danger posed by the demonic group of marauders known as 'teenage girls!'..

Who among us has not been subject to their persistent rebellion against the values we hold so dear?
Not a days goes by that yet another report of Robbery,Assault,or perpetration of random hate crimes by adolescent females doesn't dominate the news.
And yet,the Federal Government,either by neglect or design,has failed to address these ever increasing incidents of,..umm,..SCOFF-LAW-ERY!

Which is why I'm introducing SB(Sling's Bill)90210,or the 'Shit-teenage-girls-do-that-really-pisses-us-off -law' to the Bloggertown legislature,in a desperate attempt to curtail this onslaught,and restore some measure of stability to our beloved culture.
Under this law,anyone found to be a teenage girl may be detained,deprived of their cell phones,and turned over to the INS for processing,and eventual deportation to boarding school in Switzerland.

Quite naturally,there will be some resistance from bleeding heart Liberals who will claim that enforcement of SB90210 will lead to gender profiling.
Nothing could be further from the truth,because included in the Bill is the strictly worded instruction that,'Enforcement Officers may not use gender as the basis for determining whether or not the subject is a teenage girl,..but may rely only on 'that niggling feeling',..or the persistent manner in which the little bitch kept looking at me,while holding her fingers in the 'L' sign to her forehead'.

Still,and from time to time,it is understood that the occasional mis-identification may occur during massive sweeps of areas known to be frequented by teenage girls..
Such as with Gays,Transsexuals,Cross-Dressers,and Justin Bieber.

While this may result in the temporary distress and inconvenience for some,I think the important thing to remember,is that it will have absolutely no affect on me...

Sometimes,..I really crack myself up.

2010-06-22T11:45:00.000-07:00

Like most Bloggers,..I initially started my blog because I figured it would be a great way to pick up babes.
Once it became evident that babes in cyberspace have standards,just like they do in real life,I decided to shift the focus of my efforts toward a more noble endeavor.

..Winning Valuable Prizes!.

Most recently,..and to my delight,..Craggy Island's most celebrated Blogger,Shrinky,posed a 'Caption these Photos' challenge on her wonderful blog, 'Shrink Wrapped Scream'.

Well,..I chose to try my hand at putting a few words in the mouth of Shrinky's handsome hound 'Jake',..and I WON!!

'Wow, the shoreline drops off pretty quick..Wait right there Shrinky,..I'll go get help'.

I could not be more pleased,because the Grand Prize is a copy of Darlene Duncan's beautifully illustrated,and delightfully versed children's book,'Keen Colory Critters'!..

Thanks so much Shrinky for the fun contest,..and tip o' the lid to Chewy on the charming book!

No doubt,the little Slinglets are gonna love it!

Dont'cha know it's Tuesday,..and life is good in Sling's Domain..

Friday Memory Dump..

2010-06-18T15:42:00.000-07:00

Look what followed Mom-O home!
He's all fluffy,and ornery,and made of cake...
We don't actually name the cats.
Fat-Cat,and Bailey are just names I use to distinguish them on my blog.
I shall be calling this little fellow 'Rasputin',..after my favorite Aunt on my mother's side..

More of the happy fact that O-Town is a cornucopea of low-hanging fruit.
These Qeene Anne Cherries yielded enough to fill two ample baskets for the residents of Winston Gardens,as well as a generous issue for my co-workers,and myself.

This is Sam,the gay Parrot..

The whole time I was pruning the owner's Ornamental Plum tree,he kept telling me, 'You're Pretty!'

...I figured the least I could do was showcase him on Scribbles.

The O-Town Air National Guard (OTANG),..on the job!

..Missed it by that much.

You can't tell from the photo,but he's carrying a small child in his beak.

Fungus ain't no joke.

We had to cut this tree down due to it's unfortunate infestation.

'You gonna eat all them Maggots?'..

There was quite the bonanza in our community dumpster.

This scrub Jay was willing to fight over 'em.

Vertigo..

Bullet Points...

2010-06-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

I really haven't abandoned my blog.
I'm,..umm,..multitasking!
There's just been such a buttload of crap transpire of late in the world,that I'm finding myself a little short staffed.

I'd like to hire a co-ed Asian cheerleader assistant,but so far,the only applicants I've had are construction workers,ex-Toyota salesmen in polyester suits,and half a dozen unsavory types that list Bernie Madoff as a personal reference.

In any case,..these things have been on my mind..

'The Oil Spill'..Three words that will henceforth be the standard by which all future incredible examples of corporate hubris,and political malfeasance will be compared...Just like everyone knows that in the lexicon of pharmacopoeia, 'The Pill' signifies the single most important medical advance since Hippocrates first advocated the use of leeches for the treatment of 'ephemeral humours',we now have an unambiguous phrase to define the irretrievable fuckery the human race is capable of inflicting on the environment..
I'm not exaggerating when I say that I'm having serious physical manifestations of pain every time I think about this unforgivable thing we have done to our planet,and the fact that the ramifications of this catastrophe will surely outlive me
well into the senior years of my grandchildren.
..I picked a fine time to stop smoking crack.

Speaking of progeny,..I think about mine every day..Changes in their circumstance,and my recent re-connection with my youngest son occupy my thoughts to the point of distraction on a regular basis..Everyone is fine,mind you,but here I am,and there they are,..and ain't this a bitch that the distance imposed by miles and years conspires to keep them from my embrace.

For the sake of easy reference,I will list my observations to the passage of Arizona's immigration law SB1070,.. in alphabetical order;

A) WHAT THE FUCK??!!
B) Who are these people that are so willing to codify their bigotry,that they will happily strike so many guaranteed protections from the Bill of Rights?
C) Boy howdy,and ain't every sleazebag Republican politician racing to jump on the so-called 'illegal immigrant' problem. 'They're taking our jobs!'..They're draining our economy!'..'WE WANT OUR COUNTRY BACK!!".. ..What's this 'WE' shit,..white-man? I swear to God..The first time somebody asks me or my kin to provide proof of citizenship,there's gonna be five of us going to jail...Me,and the four uniformed thugs it takes to drag me there!

**On the brighter side**

Today is voting day in the Primaries for California,and several other states as well!..
Dont'cha know that I got up bright and early,shaved my ugly mug,splashed on some Old Spice,and toddled my happy ass on down to the O-Town municipal auditorium and tractor supply store,to cast my vote for sanity in our time.
Yes..Even I know the difference when it bites me in the ass.

Darling Daughter Update..

2010-05-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

Darling Daughter: 'Ok Dad, so first I was confronted by a 12 foot trannie, a hobo took a shit in the lobby, my apartment is the size of a jail cell,and this hooker was walking her dog in 10 inch heels.
...'But you CAN see the Hollywood sign from my balcony'.

Sling: ..'You have a balcony?...COOL!'.

Darling Daughter has packed up her entire operation,and moved to HOLLYWOOD!
She has recently been employed to manage this lovely building on Sunset Boulevard.

This is the view from her balcony..I don't see the Hollywood sign.
..Perhaps it was out for a lube,and oil change.

The building is across the street from the celebrated tattoo studio featured in the series, 'L.A. Ink'!
The owner assures her that she will be seeing many celebrities milling about the premises,..and apparently,the occasional dog wearing ten-inch heels..

Tyler Anne will be turning thirteen years old on her next birthday.
At which time,I will be packing her off to a convent in Silesia,where she will be sequestered away making porcelain figurines of the twelve apostles until she turns thirty..

In this photo taken immediately after being apprehended for joy-riding,and the subsequent high speed chase down the San Diego freeway,young Master Jackson poses for his fans.

..The Torrance Fire Department has declined to press charges.

Depends on how you spin it..

2010-05-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

If you're like me,and let's face it,..who isn't?,..you've come to enjoy gathering up the family,crowding together on the couch,setting the coffee table with a bowl of pork rinds and a bottle of Tobasco brand hot sauce,and watching the live video feed of the monumental oil spill roaring forth from the sea floor in the gulf of Mexico.

The younger ones amongst you may have curiously inquired,..'HOLY FLYIN' SHIT!!..How is this gonna affect all those rare and wonderful creatures that inhabit that delicate environment??'..

Well,not to worry!..As you can see in the screen shot I took this very morn,a magnificent Eel glides gracefully within a few feet of the ~~catastrophic consequences of the unbridled greed and hubris of short-sighted corporate ASSHOLES!~~ gently flowing stream of Earth's bounty.

Clearly,this nimble fellow remains unaffected by his circumstance..
If anything,his freshly lubed exterior will allow him to more easily slip those relentless gulf stream currents,allowing him to better compete with his so-called 'pristine' counterparts!

..I hope this encouraging development has helped to set your mind at ease.

Turn around..

2010-05-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

Now here's a young man I haven't seen in far too long!..

The last time I saw young master Mark,he was just a toddlin' lad.
Six years old,with striking blue eyes,and a curiosity that knew no bounds.
He and I fell out of touch,in that inexplicable way in which circumstances alter cases.
..That's all on me,of course,for what's a mere boy to do?

Well,don'cha know that friends times friends on Facebook,and we reconnected just 4 days ago!

Mark turned seventeen in March.
He's on the Varsity swim team,and the Varsity water polo team.
His immediate goals are to graduate from college,and join the Peace Corps.

Mark is my son..

I never told you that story?
..I'll have to rectify that.

I clicked 'Like',..because Facebook doesn't have a 'HELL YES!' button..

2010-05-18T19:44:00.000-07:00

WHEW!!..I really needed to step away from Facebook for awhile. Now I see how folks can get hooked on farms,and the Mafia and such.
My own daughter is sending me Instant Messages (via Facebook,of course) and chastising me in that tone she has just like her mother's,even when I know for a fact I put the toilet seat down..
..'Dude!..You need to blog something!'..

Fine then..

We've been having what I call 'scheduled weather' this month.
Each week,beginning on Monday,and ending on Friday,it's either been hot and sunny,or cold and rainy during the entire work week.
I don't remember what it's been like on weekends,because I don't have to worry about how to dress for work..Maybe the weather takes weekends off.

This week's schedule calls for cold and rainy,(and yes,..6o degrees in California is COLD!)..It's during these times that we landscaping types like to catch up on some of the indoor projects we've been setting aside for just such an occasion.
So yesterday,we made toys!..

Have you ever heard of 'Oklahoma Horseshoes'?..It's a surprisingly addictive game,the object of which is to toss a 2 3/4" flat washer into a hole drilled in the target ramps you see my co-workers assembling above.
Tossing your washer from about 12 feet,if it stays on the ramp it's worth 1 point..If it partially covers the hole it's 2 points..A 'ringer' (sinking your washer fully into the hole) is worth 3 points.
Quite naturally,great amounts of alcohol consumption is involved.

********In Other News********

It's going to be a bountiful fruit crop this year,..right here in Sling's Domain!
I fully expect to triple last year's harvest.
Oh,the following 'before' pictures may not look like much now,but come summer I'll be gorging on the citrusy goodness of the very finest produce NorCal has to offer!

Baby Oranges..These suckers will be 4" in diameter,and extremely easy to peel and segment.

Mom-O gets all the credit for tending these Blackberries.
She's been cultivating them in a pot for a few years with meager results,but it looks like this year is off to a much more encouraging start..

I submit that the wines of Northern California rival the very best wines in the world,and I'll tell you why...
Soil,sun,rain,and the most remarkably delicious grapes you'll ever taste!
Comes the 100+ degree days of summer,and a chilled bowl of these is like heaven on a cloud*..

*I was gonna say they're like having little orgasms in your mouth,..but thought better of it...

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T20:19:00.000-07:00

'If I could build a sailing ship,
I'd take the helm,and chart a trip.
The world to plunder,I'd fill it's beams,
With joy,and wonder,and all your dreams.

If I could build a chest secure,
an ark of holding to endure,
I'd gather all your secret fears,and bind them for a thousand years.

And if I could build a house that could,
be filled with all your hopes,

..I would'.

Sling..

I hope all the moms out there in Bloggertown had a wonderful day today!

The weather o'er these past couple of weeks has been nothing less than spectacular!
Lots of sunshine,and moderate temps have brought out some of the best nature has to offer.
And so,I find my self in need of unloading a fewhere in Sling's Domain..

I thought of my dear friend Yellerdawg when I took this..She has a fondness for clouds,you know.

These Canadian kids were spotted having a great time,relaxing on the mighty Feather River.

I ran into my buddy Peair down by the river,and he let me knock a few golf balls as far as I could..
His honest critique of my style?
'It's a golf club,..not a baseball bat!'
I've never swung a club in my life,short of miniature golf,so I had to to practice looking off in the distance for this picture,even as the ball ended up landing five feet in front of me.

I'm told by the nice lady that grew this that it's called a 'Red-hot Poker'.
I don't know about that,but as long as she keeps making The Partner and I peanut butter cookies,she can call it whatever she wants.

This red-headed character is one of a couple species of Hummingbirds that hang out at our Winston Gardens complex..
He's fairly large for a Hummingbird I think,and not too shy about letting me in for a close-up.

Yep..It's parade season here in O-Town.
I swear,these folks will use any excuse to march down Main Street,drink beer,and eat chili...Not that I'm complaining.
Yesterday was 'Feather Fiesta Day"..Next comes 'Perry Mason Day',in honor of Earle Stanley Gardner having gone to high school here in O-town,
..and I'm so not kidding.

Lizzard King's little niece Abby,waiting for the parade participants to throw some candy her way..

..The End.

BUSTED!..by the Facebook police.

2010-05-04T14:31:00.000-07:00

You know how great monolithic bastions of social propriety get their silks all knotted up whenever you defy their draconian rules by going about the business of being yourself ?..

It's like that.

Okay,..it's not really like that.

Facebook has rules in place for good reason.

Harassment,intimidation,and hate speech have no place in civilized discourse,no matter what venue that discourse takes shape.

And so,for that very reason,I was given the bum's rush by Facebook for meeting hatred with hatred over at 'One Million Strong against the Arizona Immigration Law SB1070'..
(Which now has over 1 1/4 MILLION members in little over a week,..btw).

At first I thought,'Hell..I've been kicked outta better places than this!'
Then I thought,'Dammit..I really like this place!'
When I'm not embroiled in the constant battle for truth,justice,and the American way at some socio-political fan page,I've really come to enjoy the day to day updates and musings of all my Facebook buddies.

And THEN I thought,'FUCK!..Now all my friends are gonna get that 'account disabled' message,and think that I broke up with them!'

They'll delete my blog from their Blackberrys,tear up the photos of us marlin fishing off the coast of Kansas,..and clean out our joint bank accounts!!

Fortunately,I was able to establish a 'new' persona on Facebook,utilizing a dormant email account I keep handy for just such an occasion.
Yeah,..I so saw this coming one day.
Even as we speak,my beloved friendships are being re-established,and some measure of balance has been restored.

Having successfully set those wheels in motion,I must now away to engage all those Neanderthalian haters spouting their ignorance over at 'Against SB1070'.
..There's a few things I wanna tell 'em.

Does this couch make me look fat?

2010-05-01T14:02:00.000-07:00

Holy.Flyin'.Crap.
Literally..

I've was bit by some malicious intestinal ninja yesterday,that put me entirely off my feed.
Even the thought of eating sent waves of nausea rolling through my guts,sending me,yet again,rushing to the bathroom to ,well,..sit down.

I told you that story,so I could tell you this one.

Odd as it may sound,it wasn't all that bad.
I couldn't eat,or smoke,or drink cheap brown liquor,but I did get to spend an entire day vegging on the couch,lounging all snuggly in my pajamas,and covered up with my favorite Afghan..the blanket kind,..not that stunning green-eyed chick that was on the cover of 'Life' magazine a few years back..But I digress.

I guess I'm sayin' that it was all reminiscent of those times,as a wee lad,that I'd stay home sick from school,watching cartoons,sipping 7-Up (it's medicinal,you know),and ~~surfing porn sites on the internet~~ coloring in some brand new color books my mom bought me for just such an occasion.
Maybe it sounds wierd,but it was,..comforting.

I don't know exactly how to 'splain that,but I do know this!
Come bedtime,physically drained as I was,I fell into the deepest,and most recuperative sleep I've experienced in years.

It was the sleep of the innocent,and Lord he'p me,it was worth it.

How to identify an Illegal Immigrant..

2010-04-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

I've been following the progress of Arizona SB1070,which was signed into law by governor Jan Brewer on Friday.
The gist of this abomination,is that the police in Arizona will now be empowered to demand proof of citizenship from any one of whom they have 'reasonable suspicion' of being an illegal immigrant.

Well isn't that lovely..

As a natural born citizen,I had to wonder exactly how it is one might have cause to reasonably suspect a person of being in this country illegally?
Fortunately,Arizona Representative Brian Bilbray appeared on the Chris Matthews show to enlighten us with his criteria,in an effort to clarify those tell-tale signs that might betray a person's questionable immigration status.

Follows,his well framed guidelines:

1) You can tell by their hair..

2) You can tell by their clothes..

3) You can tell by their shoes..

No doubt,this information will prove to be indispensable to Arizona's dedicated law enforcement officers,and I'm grateful for his concise evaluation.

Of course,I'll have an easier time explaining to my two-year old grandson Jackson the intricacies of alien identification under this ill-conceived piece of legislation.
All he has to do,is look in the mirror..

Tuesday Memory Dump..

2010-04-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

If it weren't for I wouldn't have jack-shit to post today.

I caught this cold blooded little fella sunning himself early enough in the morning ,so that he wasn't inclined to run off before I got near enough to get a nice close-up.He lives under a loose board on a bench at one of our Ministry of Geriatric Housing complexes,so I see him out and about on a fairly regular basis..

This antique car club gets together from time to time over at the historic Lott home,right here in O-Town.
It's easy enough to convert the photo to black and white,and then apply a sepia filter in Photoshop to get a nice,nostalgic effect..

I have no idea why I never noticed it before,but our Dogwood first blossoms in these lovely pink flowers at the advent of Sping,and then begins to leaf.

This phenomenon probably isn't news to most folks,but I find it pleasantly odd.

My daughter,suspicious of little Erin's unusually quiet activity,went outside to investigate and found her embroiled in the construction of this very wonderful contraption!
A sort of designer trebuchet,no doubt intended to employ against that snotty little brat next door,and her stupid 'Barbie's Dream House'.
..A fine example of our familial German engineering gene,made manifest in my 8 year old grand-daughter!

A fashionably spotted Ladybug,and her Gentleman bug consort,caught in an intimate embrace..
We are not above a little graphic imagery here in Sling's Domain.

Speaking of bugs..What the hell kind of malevolent multi-legged menace deposited these gruesome looking eggs on MY Grape leaves??
They don't belong to those Ladybird Beetles I know,..'cause I looked it up.
They have since been dispatched with extreme prejudice..

This is what I have to contend with whilst shaving..Fat Cat crouched in the bathroom window,and the neighbor's pitt bull 'Rex' glaring at me disapprovingly,as if my personal hygiene has rudely intruded on their conversation..I don't know what they're so pissed about,since they clearly have a more interesting social life than I do..

C'mon!..Put some effort into it!

2010-04-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

I was spending my evening as usual,stalking my Facebook buddies,and eating Sardines on Chicken-in-a-biskits,when I came across the lovely Christine's status update wherein she laments over the deluge of anti-Obama e-mails she receives from one of her relatives.
She didn't get into the specifics of type,but my thoughts went directly to the abundance of Obama jokes that have permeated the interweaves since his inauguration.

We've all seen them a hundred times..
Watermelons growing on the White House lawn.
Obama shining Sarah Palin's shoes..
Obama riding a camel,and wearing a Turban..
You get the idea.

Obviously,and immediately,they tend to repulse folks of good conscience by virtue of,..well,..their complete lack of virtue.
Still,and right up there in my top two criticisms,is the disappointing fact that they simply are not funny!

I've come to the conclusion that Conservatives,by and large,absolutely do not have a clue as to how to put the 'fun' in funny.
Let's face it..It doesn't take a 'Dr. House' to take one look at John Boehner's strained countenance,and attribute his malevolent behavior to the fact that this is a man that hasn't had a decent bowel movement in decades.

I mean,..damn..Lighten up homie.

I truly enjoy a good joke but,where's the flavor?..where's the nuance?..where's the craftsmanship that goes into constructing a genuinely humorous scenario??

And so,..in a bi-partisan attempt to take up the half-assed slackedness of my Right Wing contemporaries,I offer up the following on their behalf.
You don't have to agree with the premise,to get a grin out of some o' these...

********Obama Jokes********

Based on his performance in office so far, President Obama should do just fine on his future tax returns.. After all, he will be able to write off his second term.

The Obama economy is so bad,..that the CEO of Wal-Mart was seen shopping at Wal-Mart.

Under Obama,everyone in America will be working for the government.. Democrats will be on the payrolls and Republicans will be on the tax rolls.

Due to Obama's lending agreement with our creditors,.'Made In America' stickers will now be manufactured in China. (Now that's funny right there!..I don't care who ya are).

"I thought it was one of those heartwarming infomercials.. It had a wonderful ending. In the final scene,Barack Obama is adopted by Angelina Jolie." ~Dave Letterman.

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"
McCain takes a breath and then replies, "Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book." God looks down and then says, "You can sit to my left side."
So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?" Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, "I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long." God again looks down and this time says, "You can sit to my right side."
Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"
Obama smiled and replied, "I think you're in my seat."

Just sayin',..you might want to copy these down,to interject the next time you find yourselves surrounded by the juvenile offerings that seem to pass for humor amongst the staid Republican'ts.
...You'll be the hit of the Tea Party.

A Public Service Announcement..

2010-04-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

WARNING!: Do not leave your Polliwogs unattended!..

..Tiny Frogs will come and eat them.

The Lush Rimjob Show!..

2010-04-10T17:05:00.000-07:00

..already in progress.

Modern Marvels!..

2010-04-07T19:53:00.000-07:00

Long before we had cars that ran on electricity,we had cars that ran on,umm,..electricity.
When I was just a toddlin' lad,and from time to time,my mom would scoop me up and spirit me,along with my big sister,downtown on the streetcar to spend countless agonizing hours filtering through every goddamm ladies rack at J.J. Newberry's,clucking over acres of fabric and accessories while my bones ached to just get to the toy department before I reached puberty,..FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD!! go shopping..

Any trepidation I may have felt over the inevitable epic search for that perfect frock,was temporarily assuaged by the boistrous ride to the city on that marvelous conveyance!
I'd sit in my seat,breezing through traffic at the blistering speed of 12 miles per hour,and wonder at the cornucopea of technical whizbangery going on about me while I calculated the advantage of Silly Putty,versus the Slinky.

Bells and whistles,(and not the metaphoric kind),..and the crackling sparks of that doohicky,that connected to the overhead thingamajig,that mimicked perfectly the immense power source that propelled Buck Rodger's space ship across the universe!
Lord he'p me,..I did love it so.

Sadly,the Los Angeles streetcar lines,like milkmen and the Helm's truck,have passed into history.

This was on my mind...

NEXT WEEK: 'If you don't leap off the escalator at Newberry's a split second before you reach the platform,..it will snatch your toes,drag you down into the gears,shut down the entire operating system,and your Dad will have to pay for it!'

Happy Easter Bubbles!..

2010-04-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

Lu 24:3 And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.

Happy Easter!..A blessing on all your houses.

Wherein Sling commits a 'Limbaugh'..

2010-03-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

Yep..I know I said in an earlier post that this would be my last week working for the O-Town Housing Authority,but it turns out I'm gonna have to back-peddle,re-group,switch gears,and otherwise cover my ass with a retraction.
I received the following e-mail from Toni over at Experience Works on Monday:

'Sling,..you are on the “hot” list for an office placement but that won’t happen over night. I know Nancy is hoping you can work over there in her office. There are some places opening up and I will keep you posted. We will want you to stay with the housing authority til then'.
Toni

See!..I've even compounded my transgressions by editing out my actual factual name,and inserting a totally-conjured-up-out-of-thin-air pseudonym in it's stead.
How have I fallen so low?

I know what you're thinking..
'But Sling,(or whatever your name is),..We trusted you!..And now we discover that you have taken that trust,and manipulated us into believing in your lies!'

To which I will respond by posting this cute picture of my cat to make you go 'AWWWW!',..in an effort to beguile you from the irrefutable fact of my misdeed.

I will now continue to proceed as if the entire incident never took place..

Not another political rant..

2010-03-25T17:18:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong..

I'm not done enumerating all the possible permutations of gobsmackery the Republiscams and their post-lobotomized teabag ladies-and-gentlemen can devise in their most self-satisfied wet dreams,..It's just that over the past few days,their adolescent antics have temporarily anesthetized my ability to proffer all but the most basic,and succinct observation..

Fuck..Me..Runnin!'.

Stymied,as I was,at what logical course of action to pursue under these surrealistic circumstances,I concluded that there was only one desperate solution to my 'What-in-the-name-of-holy crap-motivates these incredible idiots?' dillema.

BARBECUE!..

Our illustrious team leader,Joe,patiently monitors the progress of the tri-tips,and skinless chicken breasts..

A thing of beauty is a joy forever!

The Partner does his carnivorous happy dance!..

Peair (L),..John (R),..and myself (not pictured),stand aside while everyone else does all the work.

My plan is to marry the lovely Melissa (L),..have her babies,..and wind up the respondent in a messy divorce over my torrid affair with Tina (R).

..But I haven't yet worked out all the details.

You can't buy this in stores!

It's Thursday,..and life is fat and happy in Sling's Domain.

You know Spring has arrived in O-Town..

2010-03-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

..When the R.T.P.S.L. (Really Tiny People's Soccer League) begins Spring training.

It was the best of times,it was the worst of times..

2010-03-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

You know,..somebody really should use that line in an essay,..or maybe a pamphlet or something..

My tenure at the O-Town Housing Authority will be drawing to a close at the end of this month,and I'll be moving on to something else.
..That's a good thing.

I spoke with Toni over at Experience Works yesterday,(who replaced the infamous Bobbi some few months back,for those of you that have a clue what the hell I'm talkin' about),and we both agreed that it's a good time for me to diversify my 'training'.
We didn't discuss any specifics,but apparently there's an ongoing infusion of funding for the program,so I'm optimistic about connecting with a host agency that will offer oportunities to develop some marketable experience in this recessive economy.

I'd really like to post something on my resume that involves ~~sitting at a computer all day blogging,and surfing porn sites~~ using those computer skills I've aquired 'lo these many years,but for which I lack any documented academic credits.
..We'll see.

In the meanwhile,I still have around 3 billion dollars in unemployment extensions to draw from,so I shouldn't have to resort to selling my good kidney any time soon.

I imagine I'm going to miss working with The Partner,who really is a likeable character,..as well as the tenants I've come to know over the last year.
Those old-timers tend to have a lot more on the ball than they let on,until they get to know you.

Still,I most assuredly will NOT miss all that synapsis interruptus that comes from the constant exposure to the delusional railings of Rush Limbaugh,Shaun Hannity,and their legions of intellectual Succubi over at FOX news.

Seriously,..I could literally feel myself growing stoopid.

Happy Spring Forward!

2010-03-14T06:10:00.000-07:00

Thursday memory dump..

2010-03-11T11:57:00.000-08:00

I've refrained from blogging too much about the weather here in O-Town this winter tide,because most everyone in Bloggertown has been buttcheeks deep in snow,the whole rest of the planet has lurched three inches off it's axis thanks to continental drift in both hemispheres,and all we've had to contend with 'round these parts is ~~100 years~~ several consecutive weeks of rain.
..Kinda makes it difficult to go for the sympathy vote,you know.

Lately however,and with enough predictability to give rise to hope at the prospect of Spring,there has been an increasing number of balmy days in which to accumulate the following portfolio of

You ever try to get a close-up of a bee going about the business of taking her seasonal pollen inventory?
They are notoriously uncooperative..

..Not so,this handsome amphibian.
Stirred from hibernation the very day this was taken,he graciously allowed me to pose him at my leisure without any outward sign of trepidation.
Obviously,unaware of the fact that he tastes just like chicken.

Raindrops on water..

..and whiskers on kittens.

..You're really not supposed to look directly at the sun,but the juxtaposition of sun and contrail possessed a geometric quality I found appealing.
I centered it in my viewfinder until it went black,snapped the shutter,and dodged great flying spots before my eyes for about an hour afterwards.

A study in the aerial skills of flying rats..

I really don't like 'breasts'..
I mean,..quite naturally I have an abiding admiration for actual breasts in theory and practice,and line up second to none when it comes to the aesthetic appeal of their form and function.
I'ts the damnable articulation of the word that really chaps my hide!
Those final three hard consonants in a row invariably transform the pronunciation into 'breast-ises'..(Probably the very reason we invented the word 'tits' to begin with).
I still have nightmares of those few times I was obliged,by circumstances,to utter the phrase,'Okay kids,..it's time to sit at our desks,and put masks on our breasts!'..

..Wasp-ises

Have a great weekend kids!..

EDIT: Damm..I'm using a new blog editor that ginormisized my pix!..I'll format them better next time.

Aint this a bitch..

2010-03-07T13:20:00.000-08:00

The landlord is finally doing something about our miserable bathroom,and has hired a two-man crew to do a long overdue makeover.
That's not the bitch part..The bitch part,is that it's taking FOR.EV.ER!
Here's the progress over the first three days..

..Nothin' like stepping out of the shower,onto a luxurious piece of cardboard covering semi-rotten floorboards.
Did I say shower?
..I meant bathtub.

Don't get me wrong,I enjoy a nice leisurely bath as much as the next guy,but I don't take baths to get clean,I take them to relax,and unwind.
I'm really not a huge fan of coming home after a hard day's manual labor,and soaking in my own filth before bedtime.

By Thursday,the fellas had completed putting in a new sub floor.
Notice anything missing?..

By Friday,I was at last able to take a decent shower!..

Oh,..that missing item isn't really missing.
..It's been sitting in the kitchen for several days now,along with the new linoleum,which is all boxed up out of frame.

To be perfectly fair,the fellas are doing a good job.
It's just that they're doing it two or three hours at a time,and of course,they don't work weekends.

Maybe by the end of next week,I can stop shaving out of the toilet..

Ruht Roh...

2010-03-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

Obama: 'I think we should have health care for everyone!'

Republicans: 'OH MY GOD!!..Obama's Trying to take over this country with his Nazi,Socialist,Muslim,Commie,Chicago style,..(inhale)..Hitler,Charles Manson,and Jack the Ripper will kill your grandma,ACORN,birth certificate,radical Nigerian agenda!'..

Obama: 'I think it's time we stopped torturing prisoners at Gitmo,shut down that disgraceful facility,and try those criminals in American courts'.

Republicans: 'RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!..Obama is letting all the terrorists in the the world move into your spare bedroom,rape and murder your daughters,use up all your cell phone minutes calling Osama Bin Laden,and drink all your beer!'..

Obama: 'I think we should take serious steps to alleviate global warming'.

Republicans: 'LIES,LIES,LIES!!..It snowed seven inches in Fargo North Dakota just last week!..in the winter time..Proof positive that global climate change is a left wing MYTH!'..

Obama: ..'I think I'll have the tuna melt'..

Republicans: 'SWEET JESUSJOSEPHandMARY!!'..Obama is going to murder all the Dolphins,turn Wisconsin into a penal colony,and make it a capital crime to be caught in possession of PB&J!!'

Half a million unemployed,..Medicare recipients,and thousands of Federal employees: 'We really could use the money..You know,..to LIVE!'

Republican Senator Jim Bunning:.. 'TOUGH SHIT!'

..It might actually be humorous,if I weren't surrounded by people who listen to these insane diatribes,and nod their heads knowingly,.. as if it all makes perfect sense.

We can explain this,..officer.

2010-02-25T11:10:00.000-08:00

This time of year,it's not unusual to see columns of smoke rising hither and yon all over the county,what with folks clearing their fields in preparation for Spring planting.
But,when The Partner and I noticed white billows wafting from the woods along hi-way 70,we thought it would be prudent to investigate...Maybe some transient had left a campfire unattended,you see.

We pulled over to the side of the road,grabbed our shovels,and headed some 200 yards across the glen to the edge of the woods.
We were both surprised to discover that someone had been burning a pile of leaves,in a cemetery that neither of us knew existed!

The sign read,'Private Cemetery..Keep out',..but as everyone knows,it's okay to trespass if part of the fence was already down when you got there.
There were only about a half dozen markers,with dates reaching back to the birth of General Rob B. Moore in 1790...I assumed from the dates that Rob had probably been a General during the Civil War,but a Google search proved fruitless.
Perhaps he served in some kind of supply-line capacity,far removed from the battlefield glory his contemporaries were garnering,but I just don't know.

Even in broad daylight,there was a Gothic atmosphere surrounding this obscure corner of God's little acre..

Turns out,this sylvan setting had been the site of the original County Seat,back in the day.
(Would you classify that sentence as alliteration,or illiteration?).

I was snapping pics when The Partner called out,'Hey Sling..check this out!..Looks like there's been grave robbers here and,..'

..We both looked at each other in that way people do,when light suddenly,and simultaneously dawns on wandering fools.
I mean,..here's Igor and Renfield,standing in the middle of long hallowed ground,..brandishing shovels!

Too bad the local constabulary didn't show up right about then.
That would have been perfect..

Mr. Morse and John Q...

2010-02-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

It's probably evident from many of my posts,that I have a real love of history,and especially for the history of wherever I happen to find myself living at the time.

The Partner,who has lived right here in O-Town for sixty years,has proven to be a valuable resource when it comes to enhancing my appreciation for the color and flavor of the area.

During a recent conversation at his kitchen table,he asked me if I would like to take a look at some documents he'd retrieved from an old house he was remodeling over 30 years ago,most of which were over 100 years old!..Count me in!
He brought out a ragged shoe box,and set it on the table for me to peruse at my leisure.

It soon became apparent that I was looking at pretty much all of the paperwork that several generations of the family Morse sought to keep secure.
There were deeds to several pieces of property in Kansas..A lovely stock certificate from 1906..

..as well as an invoice for carpeting from 'Thos. Bicknell..Undertaker and dealer in Furniture and Carpets' (Don't you just love the entrepreneurial spirit),dated July,1894.

I loved this letter from a debtor to Mr. Morse in 1903..
'Dear Sir..I have delayed writing to you thinking each week would put money in my hands to pay your note,but so far it has not been so..I had a good crop of oranges,but prices realized were very low,and it seemed impossible to meet it..If you can let it go another year,I shall surely give it early attention,and pay it in full'.

I was enjoying my little voyeuristic look into this life past,however mundane,when I unfolded this!
..Hello!
'The United States of America..To all to whom these Presents shall come,Greeting'..Lord he'p me,that kind of talk makes me a little wet.
I did a quick search for the date..April 1st,1825!

Apparently,Grand Patriarch Morse had purchased some public land in 'The Detroit Michigan Territory' from the U.S. government.
Reading on,the document proceeded to lay out the specific boundaries,that the purchase price had been paid in full...Like that.

Then I came to the line which read,'In testimony thereof,I,..John Quincy Adams'...HOLY CRAP!
And there it was,in the lower right corner,in his own hand.

I have no doubts about it's provenance,given the wealth of the Morse family documentation contained in that unassuming shoe box.
Still,..I lickity-split on over to the interweaves to do a little research.
I found three samples of this very sort of transaction,the best of which,dated 1828,is pictured below,and offered up for sale at $1350.00.

I tried really hard to convince The Partner that this should be preserved in a more suitable fashion,but for reasons that are unfathomable to me,he wasn't very receptive to the idea.
So for now,a lovely and historic piece of Americana lies dormant,in a shoe box,in a closet in O-Town..

A Graffiti Tour of the City of Angels..

2010-02-14T23:40:00.000-08:00

The best I could do,was to take the images my Grand daughter took on a brilliantly conceived field trip to the belly of the beast,and offer them up for your enjoyment.
..Follows,a collaborative effort.

Props go out to;..

Photos: Tyler Anne,(excluding the ones in which she appears)..and Jessica Ann.

Concept: Jessica Ann,..who understands the value of the experience.

Photographic equipment supplied by: Johnny..

Editor: Sling.

Music: 'A Stor Mo Croi',..by William Coulter.

If you want,we can dump the kids off at school on the way..

2010-02-11T16:50:00.000-08:00

Joe the Boss- 'I need you guys to go to Gridley,and pick up a load of refrigerators to dump off at Holbrook's Appliance Store in O-Town'.

On the road..

Sling- 'Loading and unloading is gonna be a bitch'.

The Partner- 'Loading them will be,but Joe said to just dump them off'.

Sling- 'I don't think that's what he meant..Don't we have to arrange them nicely somehow?'

The Partner- 'Nope..Joe said it's all arranged'.

Sling- 'Okay fine'.

..At Holbrooks.

The Partner- 'We brought y'all a load of refrigerators from Housing Authority..Where d'ya want 'em?'

Holbrooks Guy- 'Uhh..Oh yeah..Just dump 'em over there'.

Did I mention,we have an actual dump truck?..

Holbrooks Guy was totally cool,..and even laughed about it!.
By the time we arrived with our second load,he had three of his crew out there with hand trucks to help properly unload them.

It's Thursday,..and this was the most fun I had all week,in Sling's Domain.

And the winner is!..

2010-02-08T12:53:00.001-08:00

The competition was fierce during yesterday's Superbowl.
The players were all at the top of their game,and a few surprise moves kept me on the edge of my seat.
But,..in the end,..the best commercial won,and Betty White walked away with this year's Superbowl Commercial MVP!

Betty is,in my opinion,a National Treasure!

Remember her classic line to the Sheriff in 'Lake Placid'?..
'If I had a dick,..I'd tell ya to suck it!'

..That's a classy broad right there.

Break time..

2010-02-05T10:44:00.000-08:00

Even though my trusty camera is always strapped to my hip at work,I miss a lot of good shots because I'm too busy,..you know,..working.
So,until and unless I can re-negotiate my contract to allow me to drop my shovel or chainsaw at a moment's notice,I'm mostly relegated to taking pictures during break times. Nothing especially notable about the following ,..but they caught my eye during some lulls in the action..

..I got the real sense that The Partner and I were occupying this disgruntled tenant's parking space.

Fortunately,we did some extensive tree pruning at all our facilities before the 50-60 mile an hour winds struck a few weeks ago,so there was minimal damage for us to clean up in the aftermath.
Some of our neighbors weren't as lucky!

There were scores of fallen trees all over O-Town,none of which belonged to us.

They call this a Blue-Jay in this part of the world.
They're not as resplendent as the crested jays I'm accustomed to,but they can kvetch just as loud..

Sometimes we'll take lunch at The Partner's house when were working in his neck o' the woods.
This orchard,across the street from his house,was locked in ice just a few weeks ago.
Since then,it has been carpeted in brightly flowered wild mustard..I really like the contrast here!
This particular orchard has generated an ongoing argument between the partner and I..

'What kind of trees are they?',.I inquire

'They're Prune trees'..

'You mean Plum trees?'

'No..They grow Prunes'

I guess those are raisin vines growing along my back yard fence..

Still,..I gotta love the guy.
He generously kicked me down an entire case of red wine that had survived one of his gun club get togethers,made up of equal parts Cabernet Sauvignon,Merlot,Zinfandel,and Pinot Noir!
..SWEET!!

Have a terrific weekend kids!..

In Praise of Alleys..

2010-01-31T13:50:00.000-08:00

I think,in general,alleys tend to get a pretty bad rap.
Alley cats,..Tornado alley,..like that.
But I've always been fond of them.
Not just as handy ~~escape routes~~ shortcuts through town,but for the fact that by their largely unattended nature,they can often give us a nostalgic glimpse into times past.

Shortly after the world became round,O-Town thrived as the center of gold mining operations in the Feather River valley.
Grizzled prospectors would stumble into town in order to stock up on supplies,raise a little hell,and solve crimes.
By neglect and design,one small well-trodden passage upon which these pioneers navigated our bustling hamlet,has been more or less preserved in O-Town's historic 'Miners Alley'..

The Birdcage theater is still in operation..I wish they hadn't dressed up the back stage entrance,but what'cha gonna do?..

This is more like it!..Even a task as mundane as bricking over a window,was worth giving a little artistic flair by the 19th century mason assigned to the task.

Long shots were a little hard to come by,what with it being an alley and all..

..But this one is very representative of the architecture of the day.

I can imagine the miners conducting their official business downstairs,before heading upstairs to conduct business of a different sort.

This is a favorite of mine.

'Eats..Beer & Liquor'..

Don't confuse the '1966' with the year it was built,..it's the address.

I suppose I can understand the original intention behind the two murals in the alley.
They may very well represent some typical activities of the era,but I can't help feeling that they just end up detracting from the historical flavor of the place,which is best left on the palate of the traveler.

Of course,there's always the possibility of encountering unsavory characters when exploring dark neighborhood alleys,..but I figure anyone that runs into me,can take their chances like everyone else..

'They need to stop acting like every day is election day'..

2010-01-27T11:30:00.000-08:00

..I wish I'd said that,but I didn't.
I heard it from a commentator on one of my habitual news shows,and it sums up perfectly the machinations of both parties in Congress, (Okay,there are three parties if you count Independents,..but nobody can count on them), during the first year of the Obama administration.

Naturally,I'll be laying most of the blame for the total absence of progress on any front squarely on the Republicans,whose diametric opposition to any kind of reform anywhere is clearly nothing more than an infantile,'We got our asses kicked ,so we're gonna take our ball and go home!' response to the American people's overwhelming demand for change.

Change..Change we can believe in.
Now there's a concept that brings me to my next point.
Democrats,..what part of 'Majority' don't you pussies understand?

We had it,..the people mandated it,..and all you could think about was your next photo-op,and what impact a handful of lunatic 'tea party-ers' might have on your chances for re-election.
..You make me wanna puke!

The Health Care Bill has been butchered beyond recognition by the cowards in Congress,and the transparent influence of corporate insurance.
Where is my public option?..Well,that would force the insurance companies to give up their monopoly on health care wouldn't it?
Lord knows we,(and by 'we',..I mean Joe Lieberman), wouldn't want to risk losing all those campaign contributions from The Hartford,even though that particular part of the Bill stood the best chance of lowering costs,and providing some measure of security to a population struggling to,..you know,..LIVE!
(Don't even get me started on Nebraska Senator Nelson's blatant extortion for his 60th vote on the Health Care Bill,or the mind boggling Supreme Court decision that corporations are 'citizens'..

WTF???

If you incumbent Democrats are worried about losing seats in The House and Senate in November,..stop worrying,and let me set your minds at ease..

You.Are.Going.To!

..It's the nature of things.
Politics seeks it's own level,..and even I knew when we won the majority in 2008,that some form of balance would be restored when the mid-terms rolled around in 2010.
What really chaps my ass,is the way you've squandered a rare opportunity to genuinely effect change,for fear of political backlash from the few,at the expense of the very many voices that put you in office.

President Obama will be giving his State of the Union address tonight..
I expect it will be eloquent throughout,uplifting in well crafted moments,..and impotent in it's overall affect on the realities of the dismal state we presently find our union experiencing.
At least,..as long as our elected officials put party politics,and their own personal interests,ahead of the welfare of the people who elected them.

UFO-Town..

2010-01-22T12:22:00.000-08:00

Lizzard King and I were sitting in a booth at our favorite greasy spoon,when I noticed this unusual disk-shaped object that appeared to be hovering over the dam in the cloudy skies above O-Town!
It's flashing lights,and resonant hum began to frighten the birds and..Oops,..steak and eggs are here...
Gotta go.

Have a great weekend kids!

Bible Whiplash...

2010-01-18T11:21:00.000-08:00

You know how you spend the better part of your life reading the Bible and at first the chapters seem like a collection of stories from days gone by but the more you read it the more clear it becomes that it's a brilliantly conceived lesson plan designed to raise us up not just as individuals but as a truly blessed species and over the years you slowly begin to recognize the power and truth in the simple words of the Beatitudes and light begins to dawn on what the Parables of Jesus really mean and how their wisdom is every bit as relevant today as it was two-thousand years ago so that you just naturally assume that all those words highlighted in red mean what they say and from those words spring the message of Hope and Peace and Brotherhood..
..and then some ~~DICKWEED!!~~ self-proclaimed prophet who professes to know the mind of God uses the power of the pulpit to promote his own special brand of hate and prejudice by proclaiming a horrendous natural disaster to be God's judgement on an entire population of largely innocent men women and children before a glassy-eyed throng of like minded minions who smugly congratulate themselves on their obvious righteousness even as their fellow sapiens lie dying in the rubble of the devastated streets..and now all you really wanna do is snatch 'em up by the hair on their head and kick their asses all the way from here to Megiddo in a decidedly un-Christian fashion?
..It's like that.

If you nail two things together,that have never been nailed together before,..someone will buy it.

2010-01-14T12:59:00.000-08:00

..This was advertised on my Yahoo sidebar.

It seems that some world renowned designer has toiled laboriously to bring me this aesthetic wonder,at the unprecedented discount of 80%!!
I don't even care what the price of my exclusive membership might be..I must possess it!

...anyone out there know what the fuck this thing is?

I think it's about time we got ourselves a new family tradition..

2010-01-11T23:15:00.000-08:00

Mostly,those things we pass along from one generation to the next by way of tradition,tend to foster a sense of unity,continuity,and the comfort that comes from being part of the familial collective consciousness.
By ritual and rote,we attempt to establish patterns of behavior designed to propagate our singular branch of the family tree,and secure our place in the scheme of things,

'That's how it's always been done!'..

Well,..crap.

Darling Daughter informed me this past weekend,that in keeping with a long standing family tradition,..my eldest son was sentenced to 1 year in County Jail.

Yep..Sooner or later,and for as many generations as can be accounted for,every male member of the Sling household has pissed off exactly enough people to warrant some form of incarceration.
...You'd think that was a counter productive trait,if it weren't for the evidenciary argument that we continue to thrive!

I mean,under these all to familiar circumstances,we quite naturally forego the typical throwing up of hands,and rending of garments that many families might experience.

Instead,..we'll note the time and date of conviction,and calculate the actual time our kin will reside in limbo,within a very small margin of accuracy.
(Take the imposed sentence,subtract time served during adjudication,factor in 'good time',and the end result falls between 6-9 months..,or transfer to a half-way house in 4 months,with a 'sentence completed' in 8 months).

..I've had tooth aches that lasted longer than that..

In the meantime,We'll write the occasional letter,and put a few sheckels on his books so that he can purchase his personal hygiene products,enjoy a warming cup of 'Top Ramen' from the canteen,and have a cache of 'Jolly Ranchers' to trade for that extra carton of milk at breakfast.

..It's a family tradition.

Goodbye,Old Friend...

2010-01-08T15:20:00.000-08:00

Hello new friend!

For five years,my faithful old HP laptop served me well.
Lord knows,..it endured a dozen catastrophic system failures,as well as whatever abnormal wear and tear I chose to inflict on it,(like drowning it in beer twice!),and still,..it soldiered on.

Technology has soldiered on as well,so I determined it was high time I upgraded my computron,and invest in a newer,faster,sleeker,..younger model!
Thanks to a HUGE discount through Lizzard King's DirecTV Department of Perks,I received my flashy new HP lapper via UPS just yesterday!
..More than twice the hard drive space,and six times the RAM as Old Faithful,as well as a buttload of bells and whistles I'm still exploring.

..Like the way cool effects I can get on the built-in web cam!..

I was fond of Windows XP,and resisted Vista as long as I could,..but now that Windows 7 is out I figured it was time to jump in with both feet.
I find the best way to learn a new operating system,is to just click on everything in sight in an attempt to discover 'What's this button for?'..

No doubt,I'll be in Techno-Weenie heaven for the next several days..

Sling's Predictions for 2010..

2010-01-04T20:20:00.000-08:00

Has there been any official word yet,on what exactly we're supposed call this year?
I mean,is it twenty-ten,or two-thousand ten,or ought-ten?..Maybe we could do like they do with hurricanes,and just call it 'Bob'.
I think that would make learning history a lot more user friendly.

'Why,..I remember back in February of Bob when'...

Oops..I'm beginning to see the flaw in this system.
April,May,June...Springtime would sound too much like bed time at 'The Walton's' house.
...'Goodnight June-Bob'..

I'll work on it.,..but in the meantime,I'd like to offer up a few of my predictions for the coming year.

SCIENCE:
Primitive life will be discovered on one of Jupiter's moons!
..World leaders will gather in Geneva,to discuss the possibility of using this new life form as slaves,..or food.

TECHNOLOGY:
Engineers at Cal-Tech will announce a breakthrough new 'easy open' medicine bottle.
..So easy,even a child can do it!

POLITICS:
Mark my words..Ann Coulter will say something bat-shit crazy.

ENTERTAINMENT:
Advance ticket sales among middle class white people for the Elvis/Michael Jackson comeback tour,will be donated by concert promoter Simon Cowell to completely wipe out the national debt of 12 trillion dollars.

INTERNET:
I will have my Facebook account disabled for violating their 'Terms of Service' policy,after I tell an incredible asshole to go fuck himslf.

Here's to a Happy and Prosperous New Year Kids!

You can't buy this in stores!..

2009-12-31T10:43:00.001-08:00

What is there one can really say,when providence and circumstance conspire to keep you from spending five consecutive Christmas's with the most very important people in your life?
Nothing,..I suppose.
All you can do is cherish those times that do present themselves,file the love away for future reference,and call upon the memories in the small hours of your regret.
...It's truly a good thing!

Follows,..a select photofolio.
Mostly,like the saying goes,each picture conjures up a thousand words.
Captions are for the sake of brevity.

********Cast of Characters********

Grandma,Grandpa,..and each and every one of the Little Slinglets.

Little Jackson,and his strapping Dad,Octavio.
Thanks,and thanks again for the handsome lad!

Erin practicing her make-up skills on Grandma.
Dont'cha know she received the ultimate beauty kit,fit for a tween!

Erin presents a meal with her usual flair..

I.LOVE.THIS.PIC!..Olivia and cousin Jackson share a humorous secret.
Personally,I think they are articulate beyond their years,but I can only imagine what unheard comment passed between them at this moment and,..wait,..I have a booger in my nose.

Tyler Anne,in a 'Hey!..Look up!' moment..
Do you remember when her Grandmother was 12??..Probably not,since I met her when she was 14.

My eldest son's daughter,Olivia.
It took all of a minute for her to jump into Grandpa's lap.
I had only ever seen photos of her until this occasion.
I wish you could make out her startling blue/green turquoise eyes in this picture.

Okay..I cheated and took a picture of a picture of Erin,caught in serious contemplation..

Me and Jackson..I think that couch makes me look fat.

Like most Christmas family gatherings in Bloggertown,..eventually,..some one ends up with an octopus stuck to their face.

********Christmas day********

Interior view from the patio...where we do our mandatory smoking.

I participated in the annual Team Gingerbread (Graham cracker) house building contest for the first time!..Erin and I came in the top three!

..Daughter and Grandma took first place..(fixed).

.. and Octavio and Tyler took second.

********My Birthday********

Did I mention it was also my birthday?..No??..I'll wait while you smother me with hugs and kisses.............

Jackson's Papa somehow managed to buy me the perfect gift.

Who knew cheap brown liquor comes in actual glass bottles?

The shiny hip flask will come in useful,..no doubt.

Those squiggly Christmas lights were a happy accident.

MINE!!..All mine!..

Darling Daughter went the extra mile to cover both Christmas,and my birthday..

I have only had three birthday parties in my life,..what with all thoughts turning toward Christmas.

..That's okay by me.

Capricorns,you see, have two cast-in-bronze traits..

1) We don't like to be the focus of great amounts of attention,..and,..

b) We don't believe in astrology.

This is my homemade 'Birthay' cake!..

Fortunately,..Darling Daughter is gorgeous,...and doesn't need to know how to spell.

Road Trip Part I...

2009-12-29T18:00:00.000-08:00

A lot has changed over the years,as regards traveling via the Greyhound bus.
It used to was,that an extended trip consisted of seemingly endless hours of mind numbing boredom waiting for your particular bus to arrive,combined with the last minute chaos of watching your luggage slammed into the bowels of the beast,while you scrambled to find a seat,..any seat,..that;

a) Provided easy access to the restroom.
2) Wasn't behind that kid that just loves to adjust his seat allllllll the way back,so that your knees are thrust up into your chest for four goddamm hours,..and,
c)..Please..Oh please Lord,..don't let that fat sweaty guy in the 'I'm MORE than a Christian..I'm Apostolic!' T-shirt pick the seat next to me!..OH NO!..He's looking this way!...(put on my best anti-social face)..
CRAP!!.
..'No,..that seat isn't taken,...helpyerself'.

..These days,modern Bus stations are located in charming neighborhoods..

..And provide both full service amenities,..

As well as a refreshing ambiance to soothe the road weary mind...

Okay...Things haven't really changed all that much,..but it's all part of the adventure!
The true world traveler knows to keep his eye on the prize,which in my case was the bar-none,absolute best Christmas ever!
I have upwards of eleventy-seven pictures to go through and edit,so that I can properly document my most wonderful holiday at Darling Daughter's.
...I'm shooting for Thursday.

Here Comes Sling-O-Claus..

2009-12-23T11:50:00.000-08:00

The day has finally arrived!
My work day is done,my laundry is spinning warmly in the dryer,and all that remains is a little last minute packing before my long awaited trip down south to Darling Daughter's house.
I've been assured that all and sundry relatives that don't risk violating their probation will be in attendance to help celebrate Christmas day,as well as the untimely birth of yours truly.

Here is my round-trip itinerary,in case anybody asks you where I was last seen..

I want to extend my most sincere wishes for a very Merry Christmas,to all my beloved friends in Bloggertown!!...

To make a short story long..

2009-12-18T13:15:00.000-08:00

We still solve crimes on Wednesdays,..occasionally spilling over into Thursday.

Every morning,all of us Housing Authority types meet at the shop to gather our wits before shuffling off to do our various chores.
I was off this Wednesday past,so I didn't get to hear about all the drama that went down until Thursday morning.

It seems my lovely co-worker 'Red' had left her car unlocked for just a few minutes to go into the shop,only to discover upon returning to her vehicle that her purse,and pink canvas lunch sack had been stolen!!
She immediately called the police,and while she and the Partner were waiting,another co-worker,'Jason',arrived.
They relayed the story to Jason and he said,'Hey..I just passed a guy goin' that-a-way with a pink lunch bag!'..

Lickity-split!,..Red and The Partner jump in the truck,and sure enough,spot the felonious butt-plug a few blocks away.
They trail the guy from a respectable distance,while relaying his whereabouts to the police dispatcher.
Eventually,the perpetrator enters a corner market,and while he's still inside,the cops arrive in the parking lot.
Well,within a few minutes he comes out of the store,and the cops accost him in possession of Red's lunch bag,and savings account book!
..But no purse.
Turns out,the guy had just been released from county jail only hours before,which confirms my theory that jails are just chock-full o' geniuses..

For two hours after the scoundrel's arrest,Red and The Partner scoured the neighborhood,searching hither and yon for Red's purse,..but to no avail.
Poor Red is devastated,..not just over the loss of all her ID and checkbook,but for those few personal mementos she carried by way of remembrance.

Like I said,I was absent from this dramatic turn of events,so I was happy to go along on a second search during our lunch hour on Thursday.
Red,The Partner,and I split up,and re-covered much of the area that had been previously examined.
...Zero...Zip...Nada.

It was getting time to go back to work,when The Partner says,'Sling,..why don't you go over to Hammond park,and check the trash cans in the restrooms.
Hammond park is about 400 yards away,on the other side of a great fallow field,and it seemed to me an unlikely place for a respectable thief to take inventory of his swag,..but what the hell.

..You kids see where this is going,..right?

I toddle my happy ass on over to the park,and check the trash can in the women's restroom,(Hey,..the door was propped open),only to discover that it is absolutely empty..
Then,I cross around the building to inspect the trash can in the men's restroom..

..HOLY..FLYIN'..CRAP!!

It's all there!
Red's purse,ID,make-up,mementos,checkbook,bizarre marital aid,(just kidding Red),..and even a half empty box of Ricola cough drops.
Minus only the less-than-ten-bucks she had in her wallet.

Needless to say,I was appropriately smothered with great quantities of hugs and kisses from Red,over the safe return of her belongings..
Plus!..As an added bonus!..Homemade chocolate chip cookies this very morning!

Of course,you all know what this means.
Yep...It means that it's Friday,and once again,..good triumphs over evil in Sling's Domain.

A Timely Reprint..

2009-12-15T18:50:00.000-08:00

I know there is Evil.
It crouches in the dark,with a terrible patience.
'Till the scent of innocence fills it's nostrils,
and opportunity draws it from it's lair.

I know there are Demons.
They understand our weakness,
and tempt us from desire with feigned compassion.

I know there is pain,and loss,and injustice.
By virtue of having been up and down upon the Earth,
and walking to and fro' in it.

I know there are Angels.
That illuminate the darkness,
sustain our haggard spirits,
and retrieve us from icy waters.

There are always Angels..

Sling's got a ticket to ride!..

2009-12-11T10:25:00.000-08:00

I may have given the impression in my last post,that O-Town was still enjoying a crisp Fall landscape.
..NOT!
We've been huddled against record low temperatures (17F.-27F.) for the last several days,and it's pretty much taken it's toll.

Fortunately for the owner of this Walnut orchard,the season's harvest has already been brought in.
..The ground is covered for acres in glistening crystal spheres.
Automatic sprinkler systems created these curious ice sculptures overnight!

..I don't know if the trees look creepy,or beautiful.
I think beautiful.

Even a weed takes on an interesting silhouette,when it's locked in suspended animation..

Those industrious kids that put that world famous California citrus on our tables,may not have fared as well.
The Mandarin Oranges,my personal favorite,ripened early enough,but Grapefruit and Navel Oranges still have a week or so,and some losses are expected.
..We'll just pass the costs on to your morning Orange juice.

********In The Woots and Hoos News!********

Christmas is ever joyous for me wherever I celebrate..Still,I've been absent from
the hearth of kin on this occasion for the last five years, and quite naturally miss being surrounded by sleepy-eyed Slinglets come Christmas morn.
This year,I'll be hauling my happy ass down south to spend the holiday with Darling Daughter,and the entire Brood!..
I'm holding the round-trip tickets (via Greyhound) Darling Daughter sent me,even as we speak.
Plus!..As an added bonus!..She's promised to throw a super soiree in honor of my having managed to circle the Sun yet another year,without getting hit by a bus...THANK YOU BABY!

It's Friday,and it may be as cold as a witch's tit outside,..but life is warm and fuzzy on the inside in Sling's Domain..

Fall Around O-Town

2009-12-07T16:40:00.000-08:00

We have a preponderance of fiery red maples here in O-Town..They're among my most favorite.

This is the view from my front porch..Kind of a blustery day,but the color palette is very pleasing.

No zoom here!..This little grey squirrel allowed me to approach within a few inches,..

..before bounding off into a nearby tree,in search of a suitable place to lay her eggs.

It's a little hard to tell,but the morning dew has turned to ice on this hardy rose.

'I'm not cleaning that up!'

This magnificent fungus sprouted up within 24 hours of a heavy rain storm!
It's a little bigger than a basketball,..more like the size of those red rubber 'dodgeballs',like the one Tommy Kratzmar hit me in the face with back in 3rd grade,and made me cry..In the 5th grade,I threw a rock at him and knocked him off a cinder block wall,causing him to break his arm..So it all turned out quite nicely in the end.

..Top view of above fungus.

I'm counting this as Fall color.

Empty nest syndrome..

A typical O-Towner,in traditional garb.

Unfinished Draft..

2009-12-04T17:15:00.000-08:00

Like most bloggers,I write a lot of things under the influence of cheap brown liquor,..and then save them as a 'Draft'.
Viewed in the harsh light of day,and after a hearty breakfast of scrambled eggs,sausage,hash browns,wheat toast,..and coffee,....we recognize a certain nebulous quality of intent that just doesn't quite make the cut.

Do you do like I do,and spend five minutes writing a post,and two days editing it?
..Fuck that shit.
Follows,a recently unearthed draft,in unedited form..

There's been a fable going around among generations of mindless believers,that I think needs to be put to rest once and for all.
The delusion that there is some kind of unseen force prevalent in the universe,that holds sway over our daily lives.

Whole cultures wake to it's supposed power,revolve their livelihoods around it's purpose,and worship at it's altar with unwavering determination.
Still and all,this omnipotent entity remains invisible,as if the fabric of it's being relies entirely on the acceptance of it's existence,as a matter of faith.

Well,I think it's high time we,as sapiens,discarded these mystic notions of an invisible and ever present spectre.
Let us all,in unison,stick our car keys in the light socket,and prove once and for all that ELECTRICITY does not exist!
..Can I get an 'Amen'!

(Kool-Aid will be available in the lobby)..

Up the Down Staircase..

2009-12-01T08:23:00.000-08:00

Young Jackson will be turning two years old this coming week!
Even now,the precocious little guy possesses a keen set of reasoning skills,and hand-craftiness..
..(sorry about the sideways video).

Darling Daughter is 33 years old..

..They say genius skips a generation.
Have a great week kids!

A Retirement Anniversary!..

2009-11-27T12:30:00.000-08:00

I hope all of you folks dwelling right here in The Colonies enjoyed a bountiful Thanksgiving feast yesterday,snuggled all up in the warm blanket of family and friends!
Mom-O and Lizzard King,in perfectly choreographed fashion,whipped up an amazing presentation of holiday favorites,while I played my traditional role of staying the hell out of the kitchen.

Today marks an occasion of a different sort..
Ten years ago on this very date,I was relaxing in my upstairs bedroom,..minding my own business,..when a battalion of armor-clad law enforcement types burst in the front door,and flew up the stairs!
Dont'cha know I was slammed up against the wall with a 9mm pressed against my temple,before I even had an opportunity to make a graceful egress out the second story window.
I had been dealing methamphetamine for several years you see,and they rightly figured it was time for me to retire.

'You guys shoulda called first,..I'da made a pot of coffee!',..I told them.
They just love it when you engage them in witty banter..

In truth,I number this day among those that seem pretty dismal at first,but which eventually prove themselves to be a blessing in disguise.
I went through the system,jumped through all the hoops,dotted all the I's,and crossed my heart never to get embroiled in that sort of nonsense again.
And I haven't..

Just for grins,I looked up the appropriate gift to mark a tenth anniversary.
Turns out,it's aluminum.
Ironic when you consider that 'doin' a foil' was my preferred method of ingestion.
If you don't know what that means,you may number that among your own blessings as well..

Hey!..Look over there!

2009-11-23T19:25:00.000-08:00

I've been watching an intriguing social phenomenon unfold for several months now,and I don't really know how to 'splain it.
I guess it's like the way people rush to empty out convenience stores of all their beef jerky,bottled water,and toilet paper,whenever a tropical storm that might become a hurricane comes within 3,000 miles of landfall.

Ever since Obama was elected president,The Partner,and about half a dozen of his closest friends,have been on a frenzied mission to stock up on all the guns and ammo they can lay their hands on...I mean,..all of it!
We're talkin' several trips a week to Mall-Wart,gun shops,and every sporting goods outlet in the county,not to mention weekends spent across state lines at gun shows in an effort to procure every last cartridge of powder bearing mayhem they can legally carry home.

Now,..here's the deal...Apparently,once a Liberal became President,the word went out across the land that 'OUR GUNS ARE GONNA BE TAKEN!'..
..It's really a national crisis.
So much so,that stores of ammunition everywhere are being cleaned out as fast as they stock the shelves.
More often than not,the plaid shirted counter person has to inform The Partner that, 'We've had that calibre on order for 3 weeks!'...'Blame Obama'.

I've scoured the interwebs for any pending legislation the Obama administration has put forward in an attempt to deprive us of our 2nd amendment right to keep and bear arms,and came up empty.

As near as I can figure,The manufacturers of firearms and ammunition have been forced to work 'round the clock,and quite naturally,raise the price of their products in order to alleviate this critical 'shortage'..
It occurred to me that perhaps this particular industrial complex may have an interest in promoting this near hysterical arms race.
Could be a profit thing,..but I just don't know.

When I suggested this to The Partner,he dismissed it as just so much more cry-baby Liberal distortion of Obama's socialist agenda.
Then he asked me if I wanted to sign a petition against a proposed new law in California that would require anyone purchasing ammunition to provide fingerprints.
A law being put on a fast track by our beloved governor Arnold Schwartzenegger,...a Republican.

Size Does Matter!..

2009-11-19T10:45:00.000-08:00

Nestled on the horizon south of O-Town,and visible from the main hi-ways leading in and out of our humble hamlet,lie the world renowned Sutter Buttes!

'What makes them world renowned Sling?'...

Hey!..Do I interrupt you guys while you're talking?..Now I've lost my train of thought..
Oh yes,..the Sutter Buttes,named after that John Sutter character who discovered gold in California while searching for a shorter route to India,hold the singular distinction of being the smallest mountain range in the world!
I've nicked a photo of this natural wonder in it's entirety from Flikr,..for your shopping convenience.

Formed 1.5 million years ago from the eroded domes of an extinct volcano,'The Buttes',as we locals refer to them,are a mere 10 miles in diameter.
Compare that to South America's Andes mountains,the world's longest mountain range at 4,400 miles!

'But Sling,..what exactly constitutes a mountain range?..I mean,those just look like a bunch of scraggly hills to me..

Man,..you people are just intent on irritating me!..I should make you look it up,but I started this geekfest,and I'm gonna finish it.
..Those people that cloister themselves away in the halls of academia in an effort to resolve such questions,have unanimously agreed,(with the delegation from Kansas abstaining),that a mountain is a geologic formation,whose peak reaches a minimum height of 2,000 feet above sea level.

The tallest peak in our little formation,'South Butte',(they really racked their brains over naming that one),rises to the majestic height of 2,130 feet!..Putting the whole pile of rocks squarely in the record books.

Now,..you all have something to discuss during any awkward lulls in conversation that may occur over Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws..

Happy Monday!..

2009-11-16T06:37:00.000-08:00

..Young Jackson likes to freshen up a bit before starting a new week.

Have a great week kids!..

Ask Sling..

2009-11-13T20:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Sling,
Well,President Obama has done it again!
He's ordered that five of the men responsible for the terrorist attacks on 9/11 be brought back to the United States,to stand trial for their crimes..in a civilian court!
Do you know what that means?
That means that they will be guaranteed a public trial,with all the rights and privileges of every one else that commits crimes against the people of the United States!
Oh.My.God..Ladies and gentlemen!
*Wheeze..Harrumph!*
Now we probably won't be able to use much of the information that was developed using ~~illegal torture~~ enhanced interrogation techniques,not to mention that they will have a public forum in which to poison our children's minds with their hateful dogma.
This is typical Liberal shenanigans!
..I mean,I've spent years instilling my own hateful dogma in the hearts of my offspring,and I'll not have some ~~black~~ ~~Muslim~~ ~~foreign Nigerian Socialist~~ body me and twelve of my friends didn't even vote for, undermining all that carefully orchestrated fundamentalist indoctrination.
Why can't we just do the right thing,and take them out into the woods behind Gitmo,have them dig their own graves,and put an unceremonious bullet in the back of their heads?
That would be the American way!

Sincerely,
Lush Rimjob

Dear bloated,bigoted,fact twisting,do-whatever-it-takes to instill fear in the weak minded in an effort to advance your own pathetic racist agenda,douchebag,..

In the name of GAWD!..How the fuck is it you can pollute the airwaves with all your unintelligible fucking bullshit about Obama 'Taking away our rights and freedoms',..and then incite people to abandon the entire Bill of Rights when it suits your visceral thirst for vengeance?
Here's a news flash for you..When we circumvent due process,the terrorists win.
..It's just that simple.
And speaking of due process,you incredibly ignorant fuck,if ANY evidence is excluded due to statements made under ~~duress~~ TORTURE,you can lay that shit on the administration that chose to ignore American principles,shred the Constitution,and embark on their own unilateral wet dream...That would be Dickless Cheney,and his hapless underling,Bubba Bush!
As far as your hue and cry against bringing them to the United States to face prosecution in a civilian court being too dangerous for the public good,let me remind you that prior to 9/11,the most devastating terrorist attack on American soil was the Oklahoma City bombing.
Timothy McVeigh was not only held accountable in civilian court,but was successfully prosecuted, found guilty,and eventually put to death.
I guess you didn't have a problem with that,what with him being a white guy and all.
Besides,we have another legal tradition in this country that you've ~~undoubtedly~~ conveniently forgotten.
'Habeas Corpus',..which roughly translates to,'Bring that motherfucker HERE!'..So he can stand on the site of his atrocity,face the judgement of the people he's violated,in the civilized light of day,and present the example of real American justice to the world.
Friend and foe alike..
..and while I'm on a roll,..tell your girlfriend Hannity to go fuck himself,and raise his own little bastards.

Duck!!..

2009-11-11T14:25:00.001-08:00

I caught this little Harlequin clown coming in for an awkward landing in The Partner's pool..

Oh,..it looks like he can walk on water,..

..but the end result was somewhat less than graceful.

Any landing you can swim away from,is a good one I suppose.

Off The Grid..

2009-11-08T09:17:00.000-08:00

We got one of those advisory type letters from P.G.&E. a couple of weeks ago,informing us that the whole of O-Town would be without electricity from 10:00 pm Saturday night,until 6:00 am Sunday morning.
It seems they are going to perform some much needed repairs to the substation,so naturally I'm thinkin,' 'Stimulus Money!'..

No joke...They're tearing up and re-paving just about every road and highway in the county,and now updating our little grid,all under the auspices of the Stimulus Package.
So,if you've been wondering where all that money has been going,I'm pretty sure several billion dollars of it have been funneled right here into the thriving necropolis of O!

Navigating the county roads has been something of a giant pain-in-the-ass of late,what with detours directing us many blocks out of our way,..but I can live with the inconvenience if it helps to improve our general situation.
..Just like I can live without electricity during the small hours of the morning.
I'll just go to bed a little early,and when I wake up,the flashing *12:00* on my alarm clock will herald in a new day of freshly refurbished juicetricical.

..Didn't happen.

'It's still dark outside',I assured myself,..'probably not six a.m. yet'...and I went back to sleep.
By the next time I squinted my eyes open,not only is my alarm clock decidedly not blinking,but,..but,..'It's pitch-light outside!'..
I check my battery operated,simulated antique, 'Coca-Cola' wall clock,and it's fully 9:00 AM!..
..They lied!!

WTFuck am I gonna do!?..This is catastrophic!

'I need to do my weekly laundry!'
'My DVR has failed to record my beloved 'Meet the Press'!'..
'I got NO internet!!'...
'Holy Flyin' Crap!..*clutches chest*..'I CAN'T MAKE COFFEE!!!'...

Who,(*or is it whom?..I never can get that straight), do I call?..Exactly WHO,(see asterisk), is responsible for this atrocity??.
How am I supposed to survive this?,..this?,..oh,..wait...
The power just came back on.
..nevermind.

It's a bright and beautiful Sunday morning,..and life is good in Sling's Domain!

FOX News Update!..

2009-11-04T22:40:00.000-08:00

O-Town,Ca.- ..In a crushing blow to the Bleeding Heart Liberal Democratic party,and the Socialist President Barack Obama in particular,the O-Town city council has appointed world renowned Republican taxidermist,Harvey Schmendrick,to the lofty post of County Coroner!..
When asked to comment on the impact of this monumental victory for real American Conservatives across the nation,Harvey replied,..'So,..necrophilia is still just a misdemeanor in this state..Right?'..

2009-11-03T11:35:00.000-08:00

While NatGeo will only accept one submission per month for their 'Your Shot' campaign,they do provide a 'Gallery' where you can upload as many photos as you wish.
As they are uploaded to the site,they appear HERE,and scroll away as fast as submissions come in.
A visit to the site will give you an idea of the stunning abilities of the amateur photographers roaming around out there,and why it's clear I'll need to seriously up my game!
While they are there,(about 30 minutes),people visiting the site can rate the pics..Naturally,not every picture garners a rating,and you can't rate your own photos.
Ratings range from 0-5 stars.
..I've uploaded 22 into my gallery,and these seem to be the viewer favorites so far.
..Click to embiggen.

5 *****'s..
I took this on the Feather River during an unusually tranquil moment in the Spring runoff .

4****'s..
This is a personal favorite..I like the 'Monet' thing goin' on.
The Partner is dismayed at the condition of his beloved above ground swimming pool,what with Fall dumping it's load without mercy..I think it's all a matter of perspective.

4****'s..
I hate this picture!..But,several folks took the time to weigh in.
I am looking forward to those sweet-sweet California oranges ripening
in a few weeks..

4****'s..
..Too much sepia.
This is an exterior shot of the 19th century Chinese Temple,right here in O-Town.

4****'s..
'Kilroy was here!'..Go figure.

The ratings have no influence on which photos the NatGeo editors pick for inclusion in 'The Daily Dozen',or which will eventually make it to publication,but I'm finding the input useful in deciding which ones I might submit in the coming months..

Relax..I've done all the work for you.

2009-10-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

What with All Hallow's Eve nearly upon us,I've been scouring the interweaves in search of,..yep,..Christmas music!

You know how you really love a particular song,but you don't know the title and all you have to work with is the lyrics of the refrain,so you type those into 'Search' a hundred and seventeen times over the last couple of years and all you come up with is great quantities of songs that just aren't the one you're looking for,and then one day you're doing something totally unrelated to your search and a commercial comes on the TV with that very tune and you quick-like-a-fox rewind the TiVo and there is the actual title,so now you can type in six little words and lo-and-behold! up pops every variation of that beloved hymn known to humanity,and now you have to spend three days sifting through all those interpretations looking for the definitive version?
...It's like that.

In all fairness,I just don't think this music can be performed badly.
I listened to every thing from Junior High Christmas pageants,to soaring flocks of pristine nuns against the solemn timbre of ginormous pipe organs,and they were,each and every one,inspirational on some level.

In the end,I chanced upon Mr. Zacharron's performance of a Mike Marshall arrangement..
..Guess which one is stuck in my head.

'Angels we have heard on high'

Face Plant...

2009-10-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

First of all,..Little Jackson is O.K!..
I always like to preface incredible tales of survival with that disclaimer,so people don't get all twitterpated and stuff.
(Can 'Twitter' sue me for copywrite infringement?...Screw 'em!)..

It seems young Master Jack was exercising on the kitchen counter,(been there),and fell ass-over-tea-kettle backwards,(done that),..and in an heroic attempt to perform a graceful dismount,landed squarely on his face on the tiled floor!
..Quite naturally,this rattled his cage pretty good.

Lickity-split,Darling Daughter hit the 911 speed dial,and our would be gymnast was transported post-haste to the hospital,via ambulance,where it was determined that;..

He had suffered a minor concussion.
..Those two goose eggs on his 'noggin will heal in no time!,..and,..
He had a chocolate candy bar that his mom had forbidden him earlier in the day,squirreled away in his diaper against just such an emergency!..

..You just can't keep a hard-headed and resourceful Germexican down!

Words of Wisdom..

2009-10-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

Soupy Sales died Thursday,at the age of 83.
Maybe you grew up with the likes of Red Skelton,Abbott and Costello,W.C Fields,Lenny Bruce,Rusty Warren,..
Sorry,..I digress back to those pre-pubescent days when there were things that I just knew were a tad askew.
Things that seemed painfully obvious,but were never really spoken of in polite circles.
Still,..if you listened...

'Words of Wisdom'

Give it a shot..

2009-10-21T17:01:00.000-07:00

I have a new hobby!

Well,it's more like a goal.

Actually,..it's more like a fantasy,whose attainment is a goal I'm making my new hobby..Anywhiz,..

I fully intend to get a photograph of some sort published in National Geographic Magazine!

'What manner of madness is this!?!',..you ask.

First of all,..you guys talk funny.

But,I do understand your incredulity.

Turns out,NatGeo actually solicits reader submissions for their 'Your Shot' photo campaign!

Each weekday,(Monday-Friday),they select a 'Daily Dozen' from the buttloads of reader submissions,to post on the above underlined link.

From these,two photos are selected to be featured in their monthly issue.

The helluvit is,you may only submit one photo a month.

So,..I guess my first objective is to make the Daily Dozen.

I don't know how many submissions they get each month,..But I do know this!

..Twelve a day,times five days a week,times four weeks a month,divided by two,(Subtract the nine,..carry the seventeen),..makes the odds of getting published 1 in 120!!

That's way better than the odds of winning the lottery..(Although, there's no actual talent involved in winning the lottery,..but we won't let that deter us).

I like to think I can take a 'pretty' picture..

Maybe sometimes,..an 'artsy' picture..

..Even the occasional 'whimsical' picture..

Now,if I can just manage to take an iconic picture,..I'll be up to my ass in the fame and adulation that having a photo published in NatGeo quite naturally deserves!

That's why I'm calling this whole endeavor a hobby..It's not anything I could do to earn my daily Sheckels,but there's an enormous amount of satisfaction in the effort.

More Cockle Warming stuff..

2009-10-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

Some of you may recall the the announcement I made last August,of the sad passing of Mom-O's sister,Christine.
Numbered among the friends and family Chris left behind,was her beloved little Chihuahua,Roscoe.

It's sometimes the nature of things when someone passes,priorities being what they are,that the decease's pet tends to get a little lost in the shuffle.
Often,the only sensible thing to do is to transfer the animal to a local shelter,in the sincere hope that it finds a loving home.
Such was the eventual circumstance of Roscoe's dispensation.

Fast forward two months...

Mom-O is waiting in her doctor's office for a perfectly routine appointment,and picking up a copy of the O-Town Gazette she is startled to see,prominently featured on the front page,...
..ROSCOE!

Roscoe's new owner,Mr. B,is a Veteran of the Vietnam war who recently suffered a debilitating stroke.
Forced into having to essentially re-learn the most basic skills,(like walking and talking),..Mr. B. began to sink into a rather profound depression.
After a time,concerned friends convinced him that perhaps a pet would help brighten his spirits.

Mr. B. had no more than walked into the shelter when he and Roscoe spotted each other,and the bonds of friendship were permanently sealed.

..'When Lorraine Green,executive director of the SPCA,put Roscoe in B's lap,a smile broke across his face,and he kept laughing when he looked at the dog..When asked why he picked Roscoe from all the other dogs,he smiled and pointed to the small Chihuahua,..'Right there!', B said,'That's him!'..

I can't help but think,for those of us who dearly miss Christine,as well as for Roscoe and Mr.B,..the healing process can rightfully begin.

Livin' Large!...

2009-10-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

The Partner and I look forward,..every Wednesday,..to our free lunch!

A couple of our tenants are involved with the 'Feed the People' program at a local church,and they encouraged us to stop by about 5 months ago.
..We haven't skipped a Wednesday since!

The program is designed to insure that the low income,and homeless on the 'Southside' of town (every town has a Southside) receive at least one nourishing meal a week.
All that is required is to walk in,take a seat,..and one of several cheerful souls will bring you the meal du jour,along with an ice cold glass of kool-aid,and some sort of pastry for dessert...Today it was peach pie!

No one is turned away,and no one goes away hungry because seconds are eagerly offered,and 'Would you like to take something home with you?' is always their final inquiry as you prepare to leave.

The meal itself is,quite naturally,a simple one.
Chicken and rice with gravy and a dinner roll...Beef or pork enchiladas with refried beans,a salad,and home made salsa...Like that.
Still,we've never had the same meal twice!
At least,not thus far.
PLUS!..As an added bonus,..there's entertainment!

Who doesn't like to hear a haunting version of 'Greensleeves',performed faithfully on the harp while enjoying a hearty beef stew?

That's the good life right there!

No,The Partner and I aren't indigent by any means.
One hand washes the other,as best it can.
So,it's understood that we'll each make a donation to the pickle jar that sits inconspicuously on the kitchen counter every time,and as long as we're in the neighborhood,we may as well load a small cache of donated items in the truck,and deliver them to the thrift store they operate across town,if needs be.
Hey,..It's on our way.

Speak of the Devil..

2009-10-09T16:50:00.000-07:00

..and up pops a reasonable facsimile!

Clipping the heels of my most recent lamentations over the dismal lack of rantable rants,..comes now,the announcement that Barack Obama has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize,and the woefully predictable Republican response.

If ever there were a more clear indication that the one and only goal of the Conservatives is to subvert any forward motion of this country in an effort to permanently ensconce their beloved reactionary ideals,(that being the dominant installation of white male,Anglo-Saxon,Christian fundamentalist,fear mongering,'Run for your lives!..There's a Negro in the White House!',..in every niche of power conceivable),..this is it.

I mean...Who would have ever imagined that the United States losing a bid for the Olympics would generate standing ovations from all those self proclaimed 'Real Americans?
Their justification?..
Well,..it's because that uppity Obama character has no credibility on the world stage!

A half-fortnight later,..and they're apoplectic over the 'embarrassment' of President Obama's having garnered what is arguably the most prestigious award on the planet,because his 'star power' in the global community took priority over more deserving candidates,and therefore has no real value to this country's diplomatic status.
(There will be a brief pause in this post,..while I puke).
'Ahem'...

To those that would insult the collective intelligence of every American citizen with their diametrically opposed points of logic,I can't help but feel compelled to point out,..'IT'S THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE YOU INCREDIBLE FUCKING MORONS!!'..

Obama himself,humbled at the announcement,acknowledged that he would not accept this turn of events as something that he had earned,but as a mandate to continue to represent America as an earnest participant in the efforts to bring peace to all peoples,..everywhere.

Did the Nobel committee have a political agenda here?
You bet!..
The Peace Prize,(as opposed to say,prizes for medicine or physics),has frequently looked forward.
Mikhail Gorbachev,for example,received the award in 1990 not for what his 'Glasnost' policy had already accomplished,but for how the profound effect his enlightened approach would,(and eventually did),have on the world's political stability.
Okay..We didn't necessarily turn our swords into plowshares,..but we most certainly did turn our bomb shelters into root cellars!
Way to go Mike!

..My point,assuming I have one,is that if Barack Obama were to cure every disease known to humanity,..the very far right-wingnuts would denounce him for his Socialist attempt to take over health care...

I feel better now.

Titles That Didn't Make It..

2009-10-07T18:05:00.000-07:00

I'm suffering an alarming dearth of blogging material lately,a side effect of things seeming to go fairly well,..I think.
Blogging about things that really piss me off is one of my most enjoyable activities,and when life is rolling along at an amiable pace,it makes it hard to get motivated.

So,..I decided to go back through my drafts,and see if there was anything I started that I might draw upon.
What I found was mostly just a bunch of titles that I intended to write stories around.
Like most bloggers,I always come up with a title first,and then make up stuff to go with it.

..Which is exactly what I've done here today!

Follows,..

****Sling's list of titles that didn't make it.****

10 Things Every Woman Should Know About Male Menopause.

I See Dead People!!..wait,..nevermind.

Those Marks Are From Guys Touching Her With Ten-Foot Poles.
~~Titles That Didn't Make It.~~

O-Town..Land O' Plenty.
Does This Look Infected To You?...and,

Spotted Owls Taste Just Like Dolphins!

They all sounded pretty good at the time,but lost their appeal once the Vicodin wore off..

Holy smoke!!..

2009-10-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

You know how,whenever you hear multiple vehicles with sirens blaring come to a screeching halt in front of your house,your initial reaction is to bolt out the back door,over the fence,and down the alley to make your getaway?
We've all been there.

Well,..I managed to suppress that urge long enough to look out my bedroom window,and this is what I saw!

The house next door is a duplex,and when the young mother of two smelled smoke coming from the other apartment,she rounded up the kids,high-tailed it into the street,and called the O-Town fire department...Good girl!

I love these kids!..I'll bet it didn't take 'em three minutes from the time they received the call to get on the job.

Everyone was safe and sound outside,but the husband didn't know that when he showed up,(I guess that info wasn't forwarded to him for some reason),so his first thought was for his two babies.

All this transpired yesterday afternoon..
The cause of the fire?..The other tenants decided to cover up that unsightly floor heater with a more attractive throw rug,and then leave for a couple of days.
..I kid you not.
Sometimes,I really wonder why it is we allow some people to vote,..and drive cars..

I guess the punishment should fit the crime..

2009-09-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

Criminal charges will not be filed against 18-year-old college freshman,Danmell Ndonye, who falsely accused five men of raping her in a dormitory bathroom at Hofstra University.

I had to read that twice.

I mean,..this little spoiled twat,in a classic case of bimbo's remorse,decides it would be a lark to ruin the lives of five guys she eagerly gang-banged in a dormitory restroom,and basically gets to walk away with little more than a half hearted,'Tsk-tsk..Shame on you'..

Never mind that these guys' entire futures were put into the nightmarish limbo that naturally follows the mere accusation of this particularly heinous crime..

Let's forget about the fact that she had no qualms at the prospect of them quite likely spending the next twenty years in prison if convicted.

Did I say 'if '?...Let's face it...Once Little Miss Munchhausen put on her well practiced 'helpless victim' routine for the jury,homeboys might as well lay in a lifetime supply of Vaseline.

As it rightfully turned out,the precious darling had to recant her story when she was confronted with a cell phone video that showed her happily lapping up (pun fully intended) all that desperately sought after attention,..exonerating all of the accused beyond question.

At first,I was outraged by the decision to merely give her 250 hours of community service for her unconscionable attempt at false witness,but I guess that it makes a measure of sense.

I mean,..the whole world knows she's more than qualified to service her entire community!

Just ask the fellas over at Hofstra U..

Whatever..

2009-09-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

Black Cat is strictly an inside cat.
Under no circumstances is he allowed outside,and we have discussed this with him on numerous occasions,so there's no doubt that he understands his restriction.
Still,and on two recent bouts of rebellion,he's zipped out the front door before I even had the chance to say,'Holy crap!..Mom-O is gonna kick my ass for letting you out!'.

Back in the day,I would have snatched him up by his furry ass,slung him back through the front door,..across the foyer,..and gliding somewhat less than gracefully over the kitchen linoleum,all the way back to the laundry room..
Just like my dad taught me not to run blindly into the street.

But,in these politically correct times,I must opt for chasing him down the driveway in my skivvies at 5:00 a.m,coaxing him gently into allowing me to retrieve him,('Such a good kitty-kitty'),and then relegating him to a corner of my bed so he can contemplate his misbehavior during a dutifully enforced 'Time Out'..

..that'll teach 'im.

Last day of Summer...

2009-09-22T12:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday,being the last day of Summer and all,the partner and I decided to mark the occasion by planting two Oak trees in the common area of one of our complexes.
Purchase order in hand,we lickity-split on over to 'Bob's Horticultural Pavilion and Topless Bowling Alley' to hand select these healthy specimens!

By the way,..the term 'common area' is Housing Authority jargon for 'vacant lot'..

No,..The Partner isn't doing all the work...Trust me.

They may not look like much now,but they will no doubt offer a pleasant respite from the Summer sun for generations of O-Townians to come.

After all those Oak cabinets I built,I'm especially pleased to be able to put back a little something in return.

Now,I told you that story,..so I could tell you this one.

My six-month contract with the Housing Authority,through the auspices of 'Experience works',officially ends on the 30th of this month.
..Yep,..Wednesday next.
At that time,the rules and reg's state that I must say 'adios' to this job,and re-enter the program in some other capacity as a 'trainee'.
Well,..this never made any sense to me.
I mean,you spend half a year getting to know your job,and making friends and such,and then you're just supposed to unceremoniously pull up stakes!
..'Twas ever thus.

Turns out,there is a brand spankin' new supervisor of the program,so I decided to take advantage of the amorphous nature of the present bureaucracy,and throw a wrench into the system.
This very morning,I made an unannounced and in-person call on Stacy,the new
honcho,with the intention of making my case for extending my contract with Housing for another six months.
I've been preparing my argument for a couple of weeks now.

1) I know every nook and cranny of our complexes,..not to mention having developed a good working relationship with my fellow employees,as well as the tenants.

2) As a groundskeeper,a whole different set of tasks present themselves during the Fall and Winter,than those in Spring and Summer,..so it would serve to round out my overall skills..
This is the point of the program,after all!

3) What the hell kinda sense does it make to jerk me out of the system,only to drop some other schmuck in there that needs to be indoctrinated from scratch?
..Seems awfully inefficient to me.

4) The Partner,and his/our supervisor both asked me to make my most earnest pitch for continued employment!
Frankly,..they love me there.

Armed with this strategy,(which included well formed counters to any anticipated objections..I didn't attend all those sales training sessions back in the 80's for naught),and with all my ducks securely in a row,..I went to Stacy's office,and introduced myself.

Stacy: 'Nice to meet you,..What can I do for you?'

Sling: 'Well,..my six months at Housing ends next Wednesday and..'

Stacy: 'Oh!..How have you liked working there?'

Sling: 'I like it very much!..In fact,I came here to discuss the possibility of me extending my contract for another six months because..'

Stacy: 'Sure!..That'll be great!'..

Sling: '?!?!?!?...umm,..k'.

Stacy: 'Just continue showing up for work,and I'll put all the paperwork through'.

Sling: ........

Stacy: '..Uhh..You can go now'..

I LOVE it when a plan comes together!

If I had a hammer..

2009-09-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

..I'd smash something right about now!

I'm checking my news feeds..You know,..link to link to link to ,..'What the fuck??'

Mary Travers died Wednesday,at the age of 72.

No,..'We interrupt this program to bring you a special report!'

No huddled masses,yearning to grieve free.

No helicopters..

No six-hour media homages...

As part of the 6o's folk trio 'Peter,Paul,and Mary',..her soothing vocals spoke to a generation of the futility of war,and the injustices suffered by minorities in this country.

Her music was absolutely instrumental in changing the hearts and minds of people all over this miserable planet toward a more tolerant stance,and had a profound effect on my own ideals in particular.

I guess you had to be there...

'If I had a hammer'

I fully intend to be inconsolable,..for a time.

Manly Things..

2009-09-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

If the highlight of my Summer was the visit with my grand kids,then this impromptu trip to Fort Bragg comes in a close second.
The Partner,his friend RB,and I headed out on the four hour trek right after work,passing Clear Lake long about midway.

..Smoke on the water.

My proximity to this brown Gull didn't seem to phase it one bit..

These two ladies,on the other hand,were decidedly perturbed at my intrusion..

The Partner's trailer is snuggled comfortably in the woods,about a half mile from the ocean.We settled in that first night with a hearty stock of Budweiser,and played a very fun board game. (The name of which escapes me..did I mention the hearty stock of bud?).

The point of the game is to correctly answer multiple choice solutions to different survival scenarios.

Did you know that Willow bark can cure a headache?..Or that you can drink your own urine if you have no water? (Apparently,it's perfectly sterile when it first comes out,but tends to collect bacteria pretty quickly thereafter).

RB kicked our asses two games in a row to become the 'Sole Survivor',and was quite pleased with himself.

I decided right then and there that if we were ever stranded on a desert island without any food,..I would eat him.

The next morning,we went down to the shore so Partner and RB could do some diving for abalone,and other sea going edibles.

I didn't have my own gear,but I was more than happy to enjoy the beautiful coastline of Northern California,and document the whole operation.

..it's harder than it looks.

They'll stay within about a hundred yards from shore,where the water is at about ten feet deep.

In spite of some early morning fog,the weather and the water were comfortably warm.

The Partner displays his bounty!..

The limits on Abalone are fiercely monitored..Three a day,per person.

You don't wanna mess with those kids over at Fish and Game..Poaching is very nearly a capital offense in these parts!..

The fellas managed to each get their limits in about an hour.

Six Abalone,two ocean perch,and a type of sea trout called a 'Greenling'.

This ain't no downstream Oyster!..that Abalone is nearly ten inches..(seven inches is the minimum you can keep).

The flesh of this Greenling is blue,but turns white when it hits the frying pan.

My reward for hanging out onshore!..The Partner had these beauties filleted in no time,and packaged for me to enjoy at home.

We did take some time to go down to the marina,so the guys could purchase some fresh Albacore (Tuna)..You can see folks on the dock lining up to buy those tasty critters at $2.00 a pound..

This handsome beast was waiting patiently for whatever scraps the crew might toss overboard.

I may not have been able to go snorkeling,but I damn sure was gonna try my hand at ocean kayaking!...YES!!

Me and my Kayak..You can see by the grin on my face that I'm about to have a Yak-Attack..

Warning!..This ain't for the faint of heart!
Manly men,doing manly things,on the high seas!
..and floating and stuff.
Mendocino is an absolute bonanza of sea caves!
Sorry about the unsteady camera work,but I was filming with both hands,and trying not to get deep-sixed. (That's manly sailor talk for falling off the boat).
The voice you hear at the beginning is RB's.

We finished off the day by taking in a movie!
Normally,I don't go to the theater.If there's a movie I want to see,I just wait for it to come out on DVD.I had to think back to remember the last movie I saw in a theater?...'Jurassic Park'!
Naturally,we decided on a guy flick..'Inglorious Basterds'.
Check it out..I'm sitting there watching the movie,..minding my own business,..when all of a sudden Brad Pitt starts yelling at me!
I kid you not..One of those Inglorious Basterds has the same surname as mine!
..Some nefarious ancestor,no doubt.

All in all,it was a most satisfying adventure!
Thanks for taking me along for the ride Partner!..

Road Trip!...

2009-09-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

I had planned on catching up with comments and such,but I got a last minute invite to spend the weekend on the beach in Fort Bragg this weekend..So I'm outta here! ..in about 20 minutes.

I won't have internet access but I'll try to come back with some pictures,a few exploits,and maybe a fabrication or two.

Have a great weekend kids!

Such a deal!..

2009-09-07T11:10:00.000-07:00

I was running low on my beloved tobacco yesterday,so I lickity-split on over to Sal's liquor bonanza and tobacky emporium to purchase a new box.
I tossed it on the dresser when I got home,and it sat there 'til I needed it this morning.

Well,..when I broke the factory seal and unwrapped it,this is what I found..

NOTHIN'!...

I guess I really can't complain though..I mean,..I did get 15% more nothin',..absolutely free!

Quite naturally,..I wondered how they managed to cram all that extra nothin' in that little box?

Surgeon General's Warning:..

2009-09-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

..This song has been known to cause diabetes!

Some words are just fun to say.
Quintessential,effervescent,peritonitis,and Valvoline spring immediately to mind.
They're lyrical and evocative,and roll trippingly off the tongue in a most satisfying fashion.
Plus!..As an added bonus!,..they tend to sound like what they mean.
(Okay,..in my youth,I naturally assumed Valvoline was some sort of marital aid).
..Know what I mean?

Anyphonetics,..the word Madrigal has been a long time favorite of mine that I have neglected to ever use in a sentence,here in the pedantic verbosity that is Sling's Domain.

Technically,(not that we're married to technicalishness up in here),Madrigal is a style of romantic music made popular in Italy during the Renaissance,that generally involves two or more vocalists.
No doubt,my good friend Willym could cite numerous classical examples.

For my purposes,I've opted to use the lesser definition;..
'Romantic poetry suitable for setting to music,used to designate certain expressive solo songs'.

I think one of the most charming contemporary efforts,(and definitely in the running for 'Most saccharine tune I've ever heard'),was written by that talented kid,Randy Sparks,and performed here by the late John Denver.
There's an especially savory violin interlude long about the 3:16 mark,that makes me grin with the contented satisfaction of The Cheshire Cat every time I hear it.

'Today'

..'I'll be a dandy,and I'll be a rover.
You'll know who I am,by the songs that I sing.
I'll feast at your table.
I'll sleep in your clover.
Who cares what the 'morrow shall bring'..

I think the world would be a whole lot better place,if people talked like that more often!

The price of bacon...

2009-09-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

Hey..some of you may remember the post I did way back in July,when Darling Daughter and the Little Slinglets came up to O-Town for a visit.
The Partner invited us to his homestead to pick a share of his garden,and introduce young Jackson to the resident pig.

Well,..he actually makes his barn available for members of the FFA,(Future Farmers of America..Duh.),to house their livestock.
This,he does from a sense of civic responsibility.

Those kids over at the FFA are working hard to breed and raise high quality animals,which they will eventually sell for profit in the hopes of making a few sheckels,while setting a high standard for their chosen field of animal husbandry.

Here's the photo of Jack and the pig..

Dont'cha know that the O-Town County Fair just ended this weekend.
The pig, (a Boar), went up for auction,..and that fine example of porcine genetics ended up going to the lucky bidder for a mere,..

**$12,000.00 FREAKIN' DOLLARS!!!**

I absolutely kid you not!
..I think that's pretty cool.

..like it was only yesterday.

2009-08-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

Numbered among some of my fondest memories,is when I was a young man back in the 1930's,traveling across the country with my partner in crime,and pulling off brilliantly executed 'Stings'.

Oh,..what fun we had getting the gang together,and scamming ruthless mobsters out of thousands of dollars without them ever realizing they had been stung!
We always managed to stay one step ahead of the law and,..wazzat?..That was a movie?..Are you sure??

Well,..then how come I distinctly remember playing Scott Joplin's 'The Entertainer' on the guitar while we were setting up the unsuspecting 'mark'?
..I even have an old kinescope of me performing the tune for my fellow Grifters!

You'll notice I'm using nylon strings for their smooth and mellow,..huh?..who?..Chet Atkins??..

Fine then...

Next week,..I'll tell y'all about how I was the first guy to fly solo across the Atlantic,earning me the nickname 'Lucky Sling'!

Tuesday Scribbles 'Caption Me!' Contest..

2009-08-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

I really get a kick out of those 'LOL Cats',and 'Stumbles' that float all over the interwebs,and which my dear friend Yellowdog Granny is so adept at seeking out for our blogging convenience.
So,..since I don't really have anything of consequence to blog about,I thought I'd rummage through my giant stainless steel vault of scribblage,and offer a few up to my millions of readers to caption at their leisure.
I like these,..

#1: Bailey..

#2: Rex,..the neighbor's pitty bull..

#3: Ratz!..

Oh,..there is no prize for the best captions.
I'll probably just mass produce my favorites in poster form,and make a bazillion dollars!
..This shouldn't have any impact on you guys.

Sunday Surgery..

2009-08-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

The Silver Bullet has been on the waiting list for a double tubectomy for three days now,and I just couldn't put it off any longer.
Yep..We don't mess around up in here when it comes to flat tires,we go ahead and get two at the same time!

No matter how careful you are,those insidious 'goatheads' will seek you out,and bury themselves in your inner tubes.
I don't see any evolutionary advantage to this seeming self-sacrifice,so I can only assume they do it for joy of the sheer aggravation it causes.
..I can sorta relate to that.

It's a relatively safe operation,one I've performed successfully many times..

So,why postpone the inevitable for three days?..

Because I hate,hate,hate getting grease on my hands!
Hate..Despise..Loathe..Abhor.

I don't know what it is about grease,but if it's on my hands,(or HORRORS!,under my fingernails),..I feel filthy all over!
Defiled even.

Don't misunderstand,..I'm not one of those unfortunate,obsessive compulsive germophobes that needs to wash his hands every thirty seconds.
Hell,I've even been known to stretch the 'five-second' rule to a full eight seconds without giving it one second's thought but,..

'ARRGGHHHHH!..Lord he'p me,..I can't breeaatthhhhe!'..

The Silver Bullet came through the whole operation famously,and was back on the road immediately after the procedure.
I,..on the other hand,..will need to locate a gallon of industrial strength cleanser,some 60-grit sandpaper,and a wire brush before I can properly function.

This joint could use a little humor..

2009-08-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

..and what better place to start,than with those zany kids over at the New York State Supreme Court?

In a decision handed down earlier this week,New York Supreme Court Judge Joan Madden ruled that Canadian born model,Liskula Cohen,has a right to pursue litigation against the anonymous blogger who posted her photo on the website,..'Skanks of New York'.
The good folks over at Google,who support the blog hosting service,Blogspot.com,complied with an order to provide Ms. Cohen with the e-mail,and IP address of SoNY's owner.
(I harbor no ill will toward Google,by the way.
A court order is a court order,and that's a rant for another time).

No doubt,the question that all of you will quite naturally be asking yourselves right about now is,..'Oh my Gawd!..How is this unforeseeable turn of events gonna affect Sling??' ..

Well just settle down dammit!..Jeez,..you people are so high strung.

Let us not forget that the litmus test for whether or not statements can be deemed slanderous,libelous,or defamatory,is if they can be shown to be demonstrably untrue!
So,under the circumstances,I'll just have to make a few minor adjustments in the tenor of my blog..

I'm pretty sure I'm covered when I call Rush Limbaugh a 'Morbidly obese,pusillanimous draft-dodging drug addict,with a profoundly over-inflated ego,and hygienic proclivities that lean toward the malodorous'.
..Because,..you know,..that's a given.

I will however,need to scour my archives and delete any references to George Bush as that 'Irretrievably Fascist religious fanatic,with the mental prowess comparable to that of a lone spear of boiled okra,whose eight year reign of terror was directly responsible for the catastrophic collapse of the world's economy!'

..The last thing I need,is an unruly mob of irate farmers suing me for defamation of okra.

In passing..

2009-08-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

It's with a great measure of sadness that I note this day,the most untimely passing of a dear friend,and member of my extended family here in O-Town.

Yesterday,after a lengthy struggle with the myriad of ailments that often accompany diabetics,Christine Scott lost the good fight,and let loose the ties that bind to friends and family.

That she was lovely on the outside will be readily observed,but it was the beauty of her nature that truly endeared her to everyone that knew her.

She freely gave the best of herself,bringing out the best in others.

..She only ever saw the best in me.

I'll need some time to reconcile with The Lord,the patent unfairness of one such having been deprived of all the tomorrows that should have belonged to them by virtue.

Sleep tight Christine..

Must see TV!..

2009-08-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

Rachel Maddow is making her debut on the panel of NBC's 'Meet the press' this weekend!

She'll be going head-to-head against former House Majority leader Dick Armey,an architect of the ostensible 'grass roots' movement against health care reform,who was moved to resign as chairman of the 'Freedom Works' foundation after Rachel called him,..out loud and in public,..over his involvement in the disruptive machinations of the Republican efforts to kill any manner of serious health care legislation.
(At least,that's my best understanding of recent events)..

I gotta tell ya,I have an ongoing crush on the lovely Ms.Maddow.
She's bright,(Bright?..I'm talking Rhodes Scholar!),..funny,and cute as a button.
..She's the girl of my dreams!

Sadly for me,(and,when push comes to shove,..it really is all about me),..she's a dedicated lesbian,and not likely to become heteroflexible any time soon.

The program airs Sunday at 8:00 AM Pacific Standard Time,..umm,..0800 Greenwich Mean Time?,..and I don't know what the hell I'm talkin' about half the time.
But I do know this!
..It should be fun to watch.

Ratz..

2009-08-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

Les Paul,who pioneered the development of the solid body electric guitar,paving the way for the future of Rock n' Roll,died yesterday at the age of 94 from complications due to pneumonia.

I don't think it would be hyperbole to say that anyone who has ever attempted to wrestle every last strain of nuance out of their git' fiddle,owes Les a special note of gratitude for his innovation,and inspiration.

Chet Atkins drops in on Les briefly in today's Friday Jukebox Video!
..That sort of thing almost never happens to me.

'Birth of the Blues'

This ain't nothin' new Rush,..but how would YOU know?

2009-08-10T18:20:00.000-07:00

We're aren't much for going to the doctor in my family.
Growing up,Pops had two standard responses to all those bumps,bruises,headaches,and minor traumas young misbehavers are likely to incur;

'Rub some dirt in it!',..or my very favorite,
'It'll feel better when it stops hurtin',..and he was right.

Consequently,it takes some pretty serious circumstances to get me to make the move to actually ask for help from the medical community.
In the last 30 years,I've gone to the hospital three times.

The most recent was for a professional opinion on a rather nasty staph infection that I'd had treated at a local clinic.(Okay,maybe that counts as a fourth time,even though the whole thing took about 10 minutes).
In any case,I went to the local community hospital and was instructed to wait for an available physician.
EIGHT-I-KID-YOU-NOT-HOURS-LATER!..The doctor called me into the exam room,looked at my wound,and said,'That's coming along fine'...
He put a fresh gauze bandage on it,and sent me on my way.
...The next week I got a bill for over $800.00.
Ain't private health care great!

The two previous times I crawled into a hospital were each for the same thing.

Both times,I had been enduring the excruciating pain and vomiting that quite naturally occurs when trying to pass kidney stones for over 24 hours.
Both times,the admitting Nurse took one look at me,and rushed me straight into the exam room.('Don't worry about the paperwork,..We'll do that later!')
Both times,I was being examined by a Doctor in less than three minutes.
Both times,I received a quality of care and attention I still find remarkable to this very day.
The total cost for treatment,prescriptions,and follow ups?
..$0.00 dollars.

That's because I'm a veteran,and both times I went to VA Hospitals.
I'm pretty sure that falls under the category of 'Government run health care'.

Maybe if you had ever actually served your country Rush,..you'd know that.

Ask Sling..

2009-08-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

Dear self,..

I think I'm having a depression.
I mean,..I watch all those 'Good morning O-Town',and 'Wake-up with talking heads' shows during my time off,and I'm pretty sure I have all the symptoms.

Trouble sleeping some nights,..or wanting to sleep all day..

Lack of motivation,..and an apathetic tendency to let my vintage collection of 'TV Guides' just gather dust in some obscure corner of the basement,without pouring over the entire decade of the 60's in my ever continuing quest to find a photo of Barbara Eden in her genie outfit where she shows her navel.
Oh yes,..even that has lost it's appeal.

Plus!..When I see all those commercials telling me that two out of three people being treated for depression,still suffer from symptoms of depression,I don't even have the energy to question the mathematical advantage of treatment,..I just get more depressed.

**Sigh**

..I guess I just need a little heartfelt sympathy.
You always seem to give such thoughtful and well considered advice,so I asked myself,..'What would Sling do?'..

Yours truly,
Alter Ego..

*********************

Dear whiny-ass-shut-the-fuck-up-and-grow-a-pair.. self,

Holy Flyin' Jesus Christ on a Popsicle Stick!!..
Don't I have have enough crap to deal with,without having to respond to your self-indulgent,pseudo-introspective,'poor little me',..nobody likes me,everybody hates me,why don't I eat some worms BULLSHIT??

What?..You don't think the whole world has a knot in their stomachs the size of Cleveland over the friggin' state of the things here in the very infancy of the twenty-first century??
I'm payin' five bucks for a goddamm pack of cigarettes fer chrissake!..and do you hear me bitching?..

Okay,..you do.

But still,my point is that I don't have the time or inclination to untwist your precious little tidy whiteys,..so nut up and deal with it!

Anygivemeafuckingbreak,..I'm here to help,..so here is my advice;

STOP TOUCHING YOURSELF!..It isn't helping your self-esteem any..

And here's a Friday Jukebox Video to help cheer you up.
..I can't freakin' believe I'm indulging you!

'I'm yours'

A friend with weed,is a friend indeed!

2009-08-04T16:45:00.000-07:00

Residents of the O-County Housing Units accept it as a matter of course that various and sundry county workers will be enjoying free access to the exterior property,in order to properly maintain the grounds.

The neighbors adjacent however,aren't subject to that sort of mandatory traffic,and will often put up their own privacy fences in order to enjoy outdoor activities,such as nude sunbathing,in some measure of discretion.

I respect that privacy,and as a duly authorized county employee I'm honor bound to limit myself to my tightly restricted areas of responsibility.
..But when I accidentally slipped behind the cyclone fence,onto the air conditioning unit,and across the sturdy limb of an old Oak,..this is what I saw!

Sadly,..no sunbathers.

You can't buy this in stores..

2009-08-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

The trip down south to Darling Daughter's was precisely as wondermous as I anticipated it would be!
Quite naturally,you may very well expect tons o' pictures documenting the experience.
...Too bad.
As much as photographs serve to freeze-frame precious moments in time,I think I'd like the legacy I leave my Grand babies to have,..I don't know how to 'splain it,..a more spiritual connection between them,..and myself.
Something they can see in themselves,and their offspring, that they might someday say, 'That comes from your Grandfather Sling!'..

And so,with this in mind,I wrote and performed the original tune 'Calliope'
shortly after my second Granddaughter's birth.
It was my intention to give her something of myself that belonged to her,that she might hand down in heirloom fashion.
Yet another selfish bid at immortality on my part,..but there it is.

I had done the same sort of self-aggrandizing for my eldest Granddaughter Tyler Anne some few months after she was born,and was able to snag it on film during this visit.

An original poem*,transcribed in calligraphic form for her first Christmas,which I'd like to cast here in cyber-bronze for future reference.

*Notes on the technical details...(I'm such a German).

I chose for the decorated capitals,my best interpretation of the 'Celtic' style of calligraphy.
The lower case lettering and flourishes are by design of my own hand,varying somewhat from the more rigid 'Old German',or 'Black letter' style.
By way of 'secret code',characters in green will be found to spell out her first name,'Tyler'.

..following in the third stanza with 'Anne',and providing the solution spelled out in it's entirety in the final stanza.

The yellow roses are a family tradition,passed down from my maternal Grandfather.
They represent 'The Yellow Rose of Texas'.
(Not being a particularly religious man himself,this tune was played at his funeral)..

Done on 16" x 22" parchment,using ink and colored pencil,the project took approximately 16 hours.
Hopefully,..my primitive attempt at actual art will be forgiven.

Follows,the poem;

'Whose little girl are you?'

'When you were small,oh,three feet tall',
cotton dress a checkered blue.
You'd greet all and sundry passers by,
with toothy grin and sparkling eye.
They'd ask,'Whose little girl are you?'

Your jacks and jump rope off to play,
'My daddy's little girl' you'd say.
Proud daughter of my youth.

Kind strangers know,
a child's heart grows,
love guided,pledged to truth.

Then summers long,
grown bright and strong,
in veil,and lace,I knew.
Two lives thus twined in hope and joy,
you'd vow to take that handsome boy,
when asked,
'Whose little girl are you?'..

Yet hand to hand,sweet Tyler Anne,
when Grandpa first holds you.

I'll hold you to my chest,
you'll smile,then squeek.
I'll give your little nose a tweek and ask,
'Whose little girl are you?'..

Now,I have to come up with something unique to hand down to young master Jackson.
A Grandfather's clock is really just a cabinet with clockworks installed right?
..I may very well be getting too old for this stuff.