Friday, November 27, 2009

A Retirement Anniversary!..

I hope all of you folks dwelling right here in The Colonies enjoyed a bountiful Thanksgiving feast yesterday,snuggled all up in the warm blanket of family and friends!
Mom-O and Lizzard King,in perfectly choreographed fashion,whipped up an amazing presentation of holiday favorites,while I played my traditional role of staying the hell out of the kitchen.

Today marks an occasion of a different sort..
Ten years ago on this very date,I was relaxing in my upstairs bedroom,..minding my own business,..when a battalion of armor-clad law enforcement types burst in the front door,and flew up the stairs!
Dont'cha know I was slammed up against the wall with a 9mm pressed against my temple,before I even had an opportunity to make a graceful egress out the second story window.
I had been dealing methamphetamine for several years you see,and they rightly figured it was time for me to retire.

'You guys shoulda called first,..I'da made a pot of coffee!',..I told them.
They just love it when you engage them in witty banter..

In truth,I number this day among those that seem pretty dismal at first,but which eventually prove themselves to be a blessing in disguise.
I went through the system,jumped through all the hoops,dotted all the I's,and crossed my heart never to get embroiled in that sort of nonsense again.
And I haven't..

Just for grins,I looked up the appropriate gift to mark a tenth anniversary.
Turns out,it's aluminum.
Ironic when you consider that 'doin' a foil' was my preferred method of ingestion.
If you don't know what that means,you may number that among your own blessings as well..


Monday, November 23, 2009

Hey!..Look over there!

I've been watching an intriguing social phenomenon unfold for several months now,and I don't really know how to 'splain it.
I guess it's like the way people rush to empty out convenience stores of all their beef jerky,bottled water,and toilet paper,whenever a tropical storm that might become a hurricane comes within 3,000 miles of landfall.

Ever since Obama was elected president,The Partner,and about half a dozen of his closest friends,have been on a frenzied mission to stock up on all the guns and ammo they can lay their hands on...I mean,..all of it!
We're talkin' several trips a week to Mall-Wart,gun shops,and every sporting goods outlet in the county,not to mention weekends spent across state lines at gun shows in an effort to procure every last cartridge of powder bearing mayhem they can legally carry home.

Now,'s the deal...Apparently,once a Liberal became President,the word went out across the land that 'OUR GUNS ARE GONNA BE TAKEN!'..
..It's really a national crisis.
So much so,that stores of ammunition everywhere are being cleaned out as fast as they stock the shelves.
More often than not,the plaid shirted counter person has to inform The Partner that, 'We've had that calibre on order for 3 weeks!'...'Blame Obama'.

I've scoured the interwebs for any pending legislation the Obama administration has put forward in an attempt to deprive us of our 2nd amendment right to keep and bear arms,and came up empty.

As near as I can figure,The manufacturers of firearms and ammunition have been forced to work 'round the clock,and quite naturally,raise the price of their products in order to alleviate this critical 'shortage'..
It occurred to me that perhaps this particular industrial complex may have an interest in promoting this near hysterical arms race.
Could be a profit thing,..but I just don't know.

When I suggested this to The Partner,he dismissed it as just so much more cry-baby Liberal distortion of Obama's socialist agenda.
Then he asked me if I wanted to sign a petition against a proposed new law in California that would require anyone purchasing ammunition to provide fingerprints.
A law being put on a fast track by our beloved governor Arnold Schwartzenegger,...a Republican.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

Size Does Matter!..

Nestled on the horizon south of O-Town,and visible from the main hi-ways leading in and out of our humble hamlet,lie the world renowned Sutter Buttes!

'What makes them world renowned Sling?'...

Hey!..Do I interrupt you guys while you're talking?..Now I've lost my train of thought..
Oh yes,..the Sutter Buttes,named after that John Sutter character who discovered gold in California while searching for a shorter route to India,hold the singular distinction of being the smallest mountain range in the world!
I've nicked a photo of this natural wonder in it's entirety from Flikr,..for your shopping convenience.

Formed 1.5 million years ago from the eroded domes of an extinct volcano,'The Buttes',as we locals refer to them,are a mere 10 miles in diameter.
Compare that to South America's Andes mountains,the world's longest mountain range at 4,400 miles!

'But Sling,..what exactly constitutes a mountain range?..I mean,those just look like a bunch of scraggly hills to me..

Man, people are just intent on irritating me!..I should make you look it up,but I started this geekfest,and I'm gonna finish it.
..Those people that cloister themselves away in the halls of academia in an effort to resolve such questions,have unanimously agreed,(with the delegation from Kansas abstaining),that a mountain is a geologic formation,whose peak reaches a minimum height of 2,000 feet above sea level.

The tallest peak in our little formation,'South Butte',(they really racked their brains over naming that one),rises to the majestic height of 2,130 feet!..Putting the whole pile of rocks squarely in the record books.

Now, all have something to discuss during any awkward lulls in conversation that may occur over Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws..


Monday, November 16, 2009

Happy Monday!..

..Young Jackson likes to freshen up a bit before starting a new week.

Have a great week kids!..

Friday, November 13, 2009

Ask Sling..

Dear Sling,
Well,President Obama has done it again!
He's ordered that five of the men responsible for the terrorist attacks on 9/11 be brought back to the United States,to stand trial for their a civilian court!
Do you know what that means?
That means that they will be guaranteed a public trial,with all the rights and privileges of every one else that commits crimes against the people of the United States!
Oh.My.God..Ladies and gentlemen!
Now we probably won't be able to use much of the information that was developed using illegal torture enhanced interrogation techniques,not to mention that they will have a public forum in which to poison our children's minds with their hateful dogma.
This is typical Liberal shenanigans!
..I mean,I've spent years instilling my own hateful dogma in the hearts of my offspring,and I'll not have some black Muslim foreign Nigerian Socialist body me and twelve of my friends didn't even vote for, undermining all that carefully orchestrated fundamentalist indoctrination.
Why can't we just do the right thing,and take them out into the woods behind Gitmo,have them dig their own graves,and put an unceremonious bullet in the back of their heads?
That would be the American way!

Lush Rimjob

Dear bloated,bigoted,fact twisting,do-whatever-it-takes to instill fear in the weak minded in an effort to advance your own pathetic racist agenda,douchebag,..

In the name of GAWD!..How the fuck is it you can pollute the airwaves with all your unintelligible fucking bullshit about Obama 'Taking away our rights and freedoms',..and then incite people to abandon the entire Bill of Rights when it suits your visceral thirst for vengeance?
Here's a news flash for you..When we circumvent due process,the terrorists win.
..It's just that simple.
And speaking of due process,you incredibly ignorant fuck,if ANY evidence is excluded due to statements made under duress TORTURE,you can lay that shit on the administration that chose to ignore American principles,shred the Constitution,and embark on their own unilateral wet dream...That would be Dickless Cheney,and his hapless underling,Bubba Bush!
As far as your hue and cry against bringing them to the United States to face prosecution in a civilian court being too dangerous for the public good,let me remind you that prior to 9/11,the most devastating terrorist attack on American soil was the Oklahoma City bombing.
Timothy McVeigh was not only held accountable in civilian court,but was successfully prosecuted, found guilty,and eventually put to death.
I guess you didn't have a problem with that,what with him being a white guy and all.
Besides,we have another legal tradition in this country that you've undoubtedly conveniently forgotten.

'Habeas Corpus',..which roughly translates to,'Bring that motherfucker HERE!'..So he can stand on the site of his atrocity,face the judgement of the people he's violated,in the civilized light of day,and present the example of real American justice to the world.
Friend and foe alike..

..and while I'm on a roll,..tell your girlfriend Hannity to go fuck himself,and raise his own little bastards.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009


I caught this little Harlequin clown coming in for an awkward landing in The Partner's pool..

Oh, looks like he can walk on water,..

..but the end result was somewhat less than graceful.

Any landing you can swim away from,is a good one I suppose.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Off The Grid..

We got one of those advisory type letters from P.G.&E. a couple of weeks ago,informing us that the whole of O-Town would be without electricity from 10:00 pm Saturday night,until 6:00 am Sunday morning.
It seems they are going to perform some much needed repairs to the substation,so naturally I'm thinkin,' 'Stimulus Money!'..

No joke...They're tearing up and re-paving just about every road and highway in the county,and now updating our little grid,all under the auspices of the Stimulus Package.
So,if you've been wondering where all that money has been going,I'm pretty sure several billion dollars of it have been funneled right here into the thriving necropolis of O!

Navigating the county roads has been something of a giant pain-in-the-ass of late,what with detours directing us many blocks out of our way,..but I can live with the inconvenience if it helps to improve our general situation.
..Just like I can live without electricity during the small hours of the morning.
I'll just go to bed a little early,and when I wake up,the flashing *12:00* on my alarm clock will herald in a new day of freshly refurbished juicetricical.

..Didn't happen.

'It's still dark outside',I assured myself,..'probably not six a.m. yet'...and I went back to sleep.
By the next time I squinted my eyes open,not only is my alarm clock decidedly not blinking,but,..but,..'It's pitch-light outside!'..
I check my battery operated,simulated antique, 'Coca-Cola' wall clock,and it's fully 9:00 AM!..
..They lied!!

WTFuck am I gonna do!?..This is catastrophic!

'I need to do my weekly laundry!'
'My DVR has failed to record my beloved 'Meet the Press'!'..
'I got NO internet!!'...
'Holy Flyin' Crap!..*clutches chest*..'I CAN'T MAKE COFFEE!!!'...

Who,(*or is it whom?..I never can get that straight), do I call?..Exactly WHO,(see asterisk), is responsible for this atrocity??.
How am I supposed to survive this?,..this?,..oh,..wait...
The power just came back on.

It's a bright and beautiful Sunday morning,..and life is good in Sling's Domain!


Wednesday, November 04, 2009

FOX News Update!..

O-Town,Ca.- ..In a crushing blow to the Bleeding Heart Liberal Democratic party,and the Socialist President Barack Obama in particular,the O-Town city council has appointed world renowned Republican taxidermist,Harvey Schmendrick,to the lofty post of County Coroner!..
When asked to comment on the impact of this monumental victory for real American Conservatives across the nation,Harvey replied,..'So,..necrophilia is still just a misdemeanor in this state..Right?'..


Tuesday, November 03, 2009

While NatGeo will only accept one submission per month for their 'Your Shot' campaign,they do provide a 'Gallery' where you can upload as many photos as you wish.
As they are uploaded to the site,they appear HERE,and scroll away as fast as submissions come in.
A visit to the site will give you an idea of the stunning abilities of the amateur photographers roaming around out there,and why it's clear I'll need to seriously up my game!
While they are there,(about 30 minutes),people visiting the site can rate the pics..Naturally,not every picture garners a rating,and you can't rate your own photos.
Ratings range from 0-5 stars.
..I've uploaded 22 into my gallery,and these seem to be the viewer favorites so far.
..Click to embiggen.

5 *****'s..
I took this on the Feather River during an unusually tranquil moment in the Spring runoff .

This is a personal favorite..I like the 'Monet' thing goin' on.
The Partner is dismayed at the condition of his beloved above ground swimming pool,what with Fall dumping it's load without mercy..I think it's all a matter of perspective.

I hate this picture!..But,several folks took the time to weigh in.
I am looking forward to those sweet-sweet California oranges ripening
in a few weeks..

..Too much sepia.
This is an exterior shot of the 19th century Chinese Temple,right here in O-Town.

'Kilroy was here!'..Go figure.

The ratings have no influence on which photos the NatGeo editors pick for inclusion in 'The Daily Dozen',or which will eventually make it to publication,but I'm finding the input useful in deciding which ones I might submit in the coming months..