Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Wrath of the Post Office..Episode IV.

My ever continuing battle with the Post Office has raged on,subsequent to my last installment.
Ten days turned into two weeks,..turned into sixteen days,without a trace of the lost checks to be found.
Finally,and at last,I contacted all the parties involved in an effort to void the errant instruments,and issue new ones in their stead.

..No problem.

All it took was three phone calls,(which sucked up 72 minutes of pre-paid cell phone time),to convince them that the checks had been lost to the nether regions of Post Office hell,and that I was indeed who I claimed to be,..and could they please FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD kick me down their replacements!!

Yesterday,I received the affidavits necessary to set the wheels of recompense in motion.
Two pages of ass-covering legalese wherein I pledged allegiance to Mammon,god of banking,that the checks have been lost,stolen,or destroyed,..and that if by some miracle they should ever find their way to my new address,I would not under any circumstances attempt to cash them!
They have assured me that the whole matter will be set aright at the speed of a Post Office worker on Vallium,...within ten days.

Well don'cha know I filled them suckers out lickity-split,put them into my mail box this very morning,and dutifully raised the little red flag that alerts the postman to outgoing correspondence in need of immediate attention!

Diligent civil servant that he is,he retrieved that precious plea just two hours ago in accordance with his daily duties,so that it is now winging it's way off to fulfill it's noble mission!

...Guess what he delivered at that self-same moment,none the worse for wear,.embossed with little yellow stickers advising me to 'notify sender of new address'?


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Sling Trek II: The Wrath of the Post Office....

There's a black hole,..right here in the center of O-Town!
A perpetually swirling vortex of unfathomable chaos,where the immutable laws of physics collapse upon themselves,and the inter-dimensional barriers between our familiar plane of existence,and theoretical parallel universes are breached.
A gravitational nightmare from which matter,light,..and the U.S. Mail cannot escape.

..and it's all my fault.

I initiated this catastrophic phenomenon when I recklessly submitted a 'Change of address' form to the Post Office.
This set in motion a chain of events whereby ALL my mail was sucked into the bureaucratic abyss for a period of no less than 10 days!
..No letters..No statements..NO PAYCHECKS!!

Still,and inexplicably,..it was no problem for the wizards at the Post Office to somehow circumvent the insatiable cosmic behemoth,and forward this 'Change of address Confirmation' letter to my new address..

So it would seem that the great black hole of O-Town is beginning to loosen it's grip,and that finally,time,space,and my income will return to their proper functions.

The only thing left is to solve the riddle of the 'Addressee Paradox'.

The confirmation includes the explicit instruction;..'If the information contained on this page is incorrect...please call 1-800-ASK-USPS'..

The Addressee Paradox poses the question:..If the information contained in the letter is incorrect,..how did I receive it?

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Next to an acute attack of searing stomach cramps..

..I like moving best.

I love traveling,and really love living in different places from time to time,..but that whole process of pulling up stakes,stuffing every nic-nac-paddy-whackin' thing I own into poorly labeled boxes,and hauling it over to the new digs,..not so muckin' fuch.

It's that German/Capricorn/anal-retentive portion of my programming that reviles at the disarray and confusion,however brief,that quite naturally accompanies the endeavor..
(Pauses to rearrange mousepad precisely 5/8 inches from,and parallel to laptop)..

Happily,the thing is done,and I'm now properly ensconced in my new corporate headquarters, still located right here in O-Town!

PLUS!..as an added bonus,..I have a genial new room mate,whom I shall hereafter refer to as 'Smee'!

'Wazzat?',..you ask...'Smee??'

That's what I said!..Our conversation went something like this;
Sling: 'I'll be blogging about you..What would you like your blog moniker to be?'
Smee: ..'Smee!'
Sling: 'You want it to be,..Smee?'
Smee: 'Yes,..I want it to be Smee'.
Sling: 'No you don't'..
Smee: 'Yes I do'.
Sling:..'Fine then'.

No doubt,there will be many and varied yarns to spin around Smee,and his two Beagle hounds,..Amy,and Allie!

Not to worry,..I'll still be visiting the Lizzard clan as well,..so that will help curb some o' that pesky separation anxiety we're all bound to experience..