Monday, October 15, 2007

I have way too many responsibilities..

A few weeks ago,I decided to go ahead and build a bird feeder for the little family of Sparrows that occupy the rafters of our shop.
It's about 6" wide,and 10" tall,perfect for mom and pop,and their lovely brood.


This arrangement went on just fine for awhile,but apparently one of the little winged beasts put out the hue and cry,because now I've got Sparrows descending in great Hitchcockian legions,devouring the entire contents of the feeder in a matter of hours.
Oh,..that whole,"Eat like a bird" thing?...It's a total crock!
The little raptors eat like friggin' locusts!..
Hell,..they even eat the locusts that have themselves just pounded down an entire cash crop...So there you have it.

Every break I'm going out to fill the feeder,under the constant scrutiny of those beady little eyes,with that menacing glare that Sparrows are famous for..Well,..at least they should be famous for it.
Point being,I'm out of friggin' bird food!
Now I have to go to Wal-Mart,and throw down for some more Sparrow mix.I needed Q-Tips and foot powder anyway,..but still.

I considered for a moment,bringing the cat to work that she might disperse the crowd,but Gizmo doesn't even guard her own food dish from those thieving Blue-Jays.
Why should she?..The dish magically replenishes itself while she sleeps after all.
Which reminds me..I need to add worthless cat food to the list.

I'm pondering this whole Sparrow-worthless cat scenario as I enter my bedroom upon returning from work.
..The message light is blinking on my answering machine!
Wow,..nobody ever calls me.
And indeed,no one has.
Some telemarketing parasite has used up all the time on my machine with some inane pitch designed to hook me into applying for a second mortgage.

I DON'T EVEN OWN THIS DAMM HOUSE!..
That's when it occurs to me,that I'm working my ass off primarily to support hordes of ravenous birds,one ungrateful feline,and on the off chance that there's something left over,I'll pay the phone bill so that my phone can enjoy leisurely conversations with every random dialer in the Western Hemisphere...

It's Monday,..and life is up to it's ass in commitments in Sling's Domain.








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25 Comments:

At 6:50 PM , Anonymous jan said...

I can lend you my four little house dogs who have reduced the magpie population in the vicinity to where they are on the endangered list. But you'd have to swear that I live in Malaysia.

 
At 8:21 PM , Blogger more cowbell said...

Are you good with electrician stuff? I can pay with birdfeed.

"The little raptors eat like friggin' locusts!" hahahaha

 
At 9:58 PM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

when I first started feeding the birds I would buy one 20 lb of birdseed for $2.99 a month....Now I'm up to 4 20lbs of bird seed for $3.99 a month..which is like $17+ buckeroos...I have 3 feeders up...used to just toss it in the yard ..then it was a bowl...now I have 3 feeders...and you know what? the bird seed that falls on the yard? will germanate...and it's thick...really thick..and then it dies..and then when you go to dig it up ..? it's full of maggots...Annie killed one and brought it in the house 2 nights ago...I cheered..

 
At 3:17 AM , Anonymous tater said...

Sling, dontcha know there is no such thing as providing a free lunch? You get all warm hearted helping out that street thug sparrow, then it's calling all it's homies. Pretty soon they're dealing cracked seed out of your rent free apartment, flashing flock signs, and giving you the insolent 1,000 yd stare from their beady little eyes. Just wait until the 66th street Watts Crip squirrels find out you've set up on their turf, buddy. I think you are in way over your head...

 
At 6:24 AM , Blogger Serena Joy said...

I might consider trading you some of the pigeons that live on my roof for your sparrows. They make the worst messes. I'm not sure what they eat, but they're very plump.

 
At 9:00 AM , Blogger Doralong said...

This would be the helpful thing about having bears roaming about the vicinity.. no feeders;) Can't have the big furry dummies viewing the house as a food source after all. And then next thing you know the deer and squirrels are fighting it out in the front lawn over sun flower seeds.

Yes I am a mean woman that won't feed the sparrows.

 
At 10:25 AM , Blogger Lorraine said...

Now I've got "Feed the Birds, Tuppence a Bag" going through my head. Thanks.

 
At 11:48 AM , Blogger Auld Hat said...

Hitchcockian legions.

I.Loved.That.

Also, if I had your number I would call you. Honest and for true I would.

 
At 1:54 PM , Blogger booda baby said...

I am sorry that out of all the bird choices, you got sparrows. Jeeeeze. Although, we had a few gorgeous Orioles - stunning and fabulous in their Oriole-frocks - that ate the hell out of our garden. Which makes a gal kind of think in terms of oh-fuck the Orioles. So I guess it doesn't matter what kind of birds they are, they're greedy sonsa bitches.

 
At 4:40 PM , Blogger Sling said...

jan- Thanks...4 more mouths to feed. ;)

more cowbell- Actually,I'm a pretty good electrician.I once did all the wiring for...wait a minute...I see what you're saying.
*AN ELECTRIFIED BIRD FEEDER!*
Brilliant idea!..Thanks!

yellowdog G.- 20 pounds for $3.99!..Jeez,I'm gettin' screwed at $5.99 for 3 pounds...crap!

tater- Dude!..It's just like that!
It's like,"Blood in..Blood out"..
I"m thinkin' about changing my name and moving to another town.

serena joy- Just how plump are they?..I mean,Pidgeons have to taste better than sparrows,..right?

doralong- Damm...Bears and deer and squirrels and sparrows...It's gettin' like Noah's Ark up in here.

lorraine- C'mon,..admit it.
You have that song in your head all the time..

Hat-
Oh.Thank.You. :)
We'll be chatting then...

booda baby- On the plus side,we have soaring Buzzards and frenetic Roadrunners as well.
Woodpeckers and owls and Magpies,Oh my!
So now I must confess,I love my sparrows,'cause they love me back.

 
At 5:23 PM , Blogger the rube said...

say what you want about us dogs. we might crap on your lawn and drop water all over the floor after drinking out of the toilet.

but we are a grateful species.

 
At 5:29 PM , Blogger Sling said...

the rube- Thats what I'm talkin' about right there!
You think them damm birds are gonna fetch me my paper?..Hell no.
Now I have to go feed the cat...She gets quite cranky when she wakes up to an empty food dish.

 
At 9:55 PM , Blogger Kimberly Ann said...

Birds.../shudder

 
At 10:51 PM , Blogger Lorraine said...

MOST of the time. When "Funny Little Frog" or "In a Big Country" aren't. SHAH!

 
At 11:23 PM , Blogger Middle Child said...

You should see what a mob of Galahs, a flock of Rainbow Lorikeets, an extended family of friendly Maggies and sundry motley lots of pigeons and Doves can get through in a day... talk about bringing home the wages in a wheelbarrow because of inflation...I need a silo methinks full of sunflower seeds and other tasty nibbles... and it is a bit scary when they bash up against the windows

 
At 7:56 AM , Blogger Mom said...

Families can be so ungrateful.

 
At 8:36 AM , Blogger booda baby said...

no! Where'd you get roadrunners from? (Yah, I know that begs the reply: You stupid twit. I live on a road.) I just saw my first amazing, unearthly one a few months ago and have been treating myself to the delusion that they're super duper rare. So how come you get so many? Are there enough to send some down here?

 
At 8:41 AM , Blogger Monica said...

dude, what if they were dogs? my beloved dog (RIP) used to open the door and let her doggy friends from the neighborhood into the house while we were sleeping. Eventually we had to start locking the door so she would invite them all into the backyard. i think the word got out that nooper was the head of our houseold and all the dogs wanted a piece of the action.

 
At 10:00 AM , Blogger more cowbell said...

Electrified Bird Feeders?! Whoa, that's not exactly where I was going. You think I want the bird gods after my ass? See, I've got this Old Motherfucking House, and the other day I smell this burning plastic smell and ... yeah. So if anyone who knows their way around an electrical outlet is ever up in Seattle ... yeah, lifetime supply of birdfeed.

On the other hand, if you could attract chickens or turkeys, ZAP! Dinner. Blackened chicken. What the hell, blackened pigeon. Sparrows seem like they'd just crisp right up into charcoal.

 
At 10:15 AM , Blogger Citymouse said...

i feed the birds the ends of the bread that the kids wont eat.
And now it is wednesday-- happy hump day!

 
At 6:51 PM , Blogger Sling said...

kimberly ann- The worst part is coming back to work after the weekend..It's like,"How could you do this to us??"...

lorraine- Great...Now I've got "Funny little Frog" stuck in MY head!

middle child- I love that saying,"Bringing home the wages in a wheelbarrow"!..Never heard it before,but it so makes sense. :)

mom- Yeah,but at least you can claim them as dependents.
I can just hear the IRS now,.."So,about this $3,000.00 deduction for birdseed..."

booda baby- So now I have to tell you a story..
I have actually captured 2 roadrunners barehanded.They are quite docile creatures,about 14" high,indiginous to most of the Western U.S.
I would then gather my friends,take them out to a fied,and turn them loose.
THEY HAUL ASS!! on foot,the minute you release them...Great fun!

monica-Dogs get a pass because thay are the most faithful and appreciative of all beasts..(Oh,..I'm gonna get mail).

more cowbell- Oops..I'll disconnect the power first thing in the morning.
But seriously,sounds like you are drawing too much power from your outlets(plural)..Try unplugging appliances that aren't being used..Coffee pot,toaster,blow dryer..Like that.
Your wiring should probably be updated,but I think this will help.

citymouse- The ends of the bread are mmy favorite part!..Stupid birds.

 
At 1:28 PM , Blogger Middle Child said...

"bringing home the wages in a wheelbarrow" came from the late 1920's or very early 1930's when inflation was so bad in Germany (pre Hitler he fixed that all up!) that money was worth so little people literally had to bring home wages in a wheelbarrow...I have seen photos of this..

 
At 7:42 PM , Blogger CS said...

Ha ha ha! I have surely been there. Doesn't matter if you rent or own, you take on quite a moral burden once you start feeding the little bests.

 
At 10:19 AM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

jeez, where are you getting your feed?...I go to our local harware and think it is not ace, but the other one..damn can't remember their name...but they are way cheaper then even walmart...they went on sale once 3 for $10, I was in hog heaven...ha

 
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