ASK SLING

Dear Sling;
My husband and I are having a most distressing time finding a suitable pet for our darling 6 year old son,Schmendrick
All of the little companions we've purchased for him seem to come to an untimely end within a few days of bringing them home.
The kitten,..somehow managed to find it's way into the microwave when it was set on "Extra Crispy".
The hamster,..strangled to death on the drawstrings of the Venetian blinds in an apparent suicide.
The goldfish,.,accidentally crushed between the pages of Dr. Suess' "One fish,two fish,red fish,dead fish".
Little Schmendrick loves his pets,and is anxious to begin taking care of a brand new "Friend".
Can you suggest a pet that might be a bit more sturdy?

Yours Truly,
Queen of Denial

Dear,Wake up and smell the carnage;
WHAT THE??...have you lost you mother fucking mind woman!!
Didn't you ever consider the ramifications of giving birth to evil incarnate when you became the concubine of Beelzebub??
Anyway,..I'm here to help,so here is my advice.
I'm pretty sure the problem is that you have been putting too much responsibility on such a young child.It can be difficult to care for creatures that have such delicate constitutions.
I heartily recommend adopting a fully grown,recently captured in the wild,Badger..Or better yet,..Wolverine!..They are already able to fend quite well for themselves and will adapt easily to their surroundings if you lock them in a quiet room with little Schmendrick for a few hours,and allow them to "Bond"...You will hear the happy sounds of spirited camaraderie shattering the silence within a very few minutes!
Did I mention I have puppies?....