Monday, August 28, 2006

ASK SLING

Dear Sling;
My husband and I are having a most distressing time finding a suitable pet for our darling 6 year old son,Schmendrick
All of the little companions we've purchased for him seem to come to an untimely end within a few days of bringing them home.
The kitten,..somehow managed to find it's way into the microwave when it was set on "Extra Crispy".
The hamster,..strangled to death on the drawstrings of the Venetian blinds in an apparent suicide.
The goldfish,.,accidentally crushed between the pages of Dr. Suess' "One fish,two fish,red fish,dead fish".
Little Schmendrick loves his pets,and is anxious to begin taking care of a brand new "Friend".
Can you suggest a pet that might be a bit more sturdy?

Yours Truly,
Queen of Denial

Dear,Wake up and smell the carnage;
WHAT THE??...have you lost you mother fucking mind woman!!
Didn't you ever consider the ramifications of giving birth to evil incarnate when you became the concubine of Beelzebub??
Anyway,..I'm here to help,so here is my advice.
I'm pretty sure the problem is that you have been putting too much responsibility on such a young child.It can be difficult to care for creatures that have such delicate constitutions.
I heartily recommend adopting a fully grown,recently captured in the wild,Badger..Or better yet,..Wolverine!..They are already able to fend quite well for themselves and will adapt easily to their surroundings if you lock them in a quiet room with little Schmendrick for a few hours,and allow them to "Bond"...You will hear the happy sounds of spirited camaraderie shattering the silence within a very few minutes!
Did I mention I have puppies?....

10 Comments:

At 8:07 PM , Blogger Cassandra said...

Cool, wolverines! A wild boar might work too or a grizzly bear.

 
At 8:56 PM , Blogger Citymouse said...

I think we should bring back the pet rock, being the long haired hippie chick that I am!

 
At 12:46 AM , Blogger Grish said...

I hope that's not what your putting on the box as your trying to give the puppies away...:P

 
At 10:02 AM , Blogger Lorraine said...

Badger! Badger! Badger!

 
At 4:19 PM , Blogger Sling said...

jane-wolverines are cuddly little buggers aren't they?

City Mouse-I had a pet rock for years!..but one day my parents sent it to "The Farm".

grish-Not to worry buddy!..I'm puting;
(practically rabies)
FREE PUPPIES!!

lorraine-Stop Badgering me!

 
At 5:47 PM , Blogger Allan said...

How about a Giant SnakeHead Fish? It's quite the under-rated monstrosity but IMHO would make a lovely 'animal companion' - it can walk on land, catch live prey and is a great conversational ice-breaker.

 
At 10:34 PM , Blogger Grish said...

Hey Sling, How are you liking the blogger beta anyways?

 
At 4:01 PM , Blogger Sling said...

grish-Publishing is a lot faster.Spellcheck hilights questionble words all at once,instead of feeding them to you one at a time..I like that.
In order to use the features I really want I have to upgrade my template.They tell you that when you do this,you will lose most of the changes you've made.I'm assuming that means I'll have to rebuild my link list,and reinstall all my little bells and whistles.I'm going to do it,as soon as I garner enough motivation. :)

leo-Republicans and serial killers,..Cut from the same cloth no doubt.

 
At 8:21 PM , Blogger yellowdoggranny said...

i think i sense the growth of a new serial killer..get that boy a snake..a long fat hungry snake

 
At 6:33 PM , Blogger apositivepessimist said...

I always thought the gift of a feral pig was a goer.

heh I too owned a pet rock...I still have it somewhere a gift from our yank exchange student. he knew I couldn't kill it. perfect.

 

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