Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Idol Whiplash..

I wait all week long for Tuesday night,and American Idol.
You just can't get enough of tone deaf,and vocally challenged wannabes debasing themselves on national television...It's almost as good as home made brownies.
Those of you that are regulars already know this.If you don't,then go back and read all of my posts from the very beginning...I'll wait.

What is taking so long??

Sorry,I'm a little perturbed because last night,after I got all snuggled in for some AI,and only 10 minutes into the debacle that lies at the heart of the auditions,I get this rude,"sorry for the inconvenience" disclaimer!

Are you kidding me??

Fortunately,as all of you regulars already know,and the slackers among you may only just now be coming aware of,I keep a bonafide DirectTV wizard in the very next room!..The Lizzard King.

The following is an actual transcript of the conversation that ensued;

Sling- Hey!..Lizzard King!..Come fix my TV!

LK- What the hell are you bitchin' about now?

Sling-(pointing to TV)..Fix it!

LK- Oh,..well they're probably just doing regular maintenance.

Sling- Maintenance??..What?..Are they like,changing the friggin' oil?..or rotating the goddamm tires?

LK- Yeah,Sling..As a matter of fact,that's exactly what they're doing.

Sling- Well,why can't they do this shit on friggin' Monday morning?..Why they gotta do it during American Idol?..Nobody gives a crap if they interrupt Regis and Kelly fer chrissake!

Condescending room mate- It's complicated Sling,..There are factors involved that you wouldn't understand...Satellites,and different colored wires and shit.

Cranky Old Bastard- This is TOTALLY unacceptable!..and I'm holding you personally responsible!..

Side-stepping tool of the establishment- ME??..What the hell am I supposed to do about it?

Cranky Old Bastard- Make me brownies,..dammitt!

Totally awesome brownie maker- What the fuck are you talkin' about?

Sling- Brownies,..you know,..like the ones you made last week.
Only without so many nuts..

My best friend- Fine.

Shamelessly manipulative cranky Old Bastard- Fine!..

Luckily for The Lizzard King,there's another episode on tonight,and I should be able to catch up with the all the disastrous melody mangling,Simon sniping,and Paula apologetics..
That is,unless DirecTV pulls another ill-timed,and so-called,"maintenance" fungle.Then there will be hell to pay!

..I'm thinkin' Peach Cobbler.


EDIT:...

21 Comments:

At 6:23 PM , Blogger Mom said...

It is a proven scientific fact that brownies do make everything better.

 
At 6:29 PM , Blogger sageweb said...

Funny well maybe not so funny but two guys I work with had the same thing happen to them. Me I have directv and nothing happened to mine. Maybe because I was watching the boring ass election results. Oh I love brownies and beer.

 
At 7:17 PM , Blogger cs said...

Did you get your brownies , cobbler or other treaty? Wow, you know how to lay it on thick bubba! Sly devil you are!

More snow coming up here...double chocolate please...

 
At 9:04 PM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

i made 2 batches of brownies,4 small loaves of banana bread,and 2 pecan pies in the past 2 weeks...one batch of brownies had no nuts, one did..we liked the one with walnuts much better...fixing a tv?...i'd rather make more brownies..

 
At 9:51 PM , Blogger Sling said...

mom-This is why I love proven scientific facts!..Even if I have to make them up.

Sage- It's a proven scientific fact that brownies and beer are high in anti-oxidants,good cholesterol,and every vitamin and mineral essential to a long and healthy life!..PLUS!..they help fight global warming!..look it up.

cs- I added an EDIT just for you! ;)

yellowdog G.- ..you gonna eat all them brownies?

 
At 10:22 PM , Blogger Babs said...

Nope Sling, I ate all of JS's brownies and now she gave me a pecan pie. I'm so lucky.

 
At 6:44 AM , Blogger Lorraine said...

I thoroughly enjoyed that transcript and I was about to say more about that and then I noticed that Babs' picture is a monkey and it's staring at me in a way that says "I want your brownies" only I don't have any because Babs ate them all and I'm trying to figure out what to do before he goes crazy. Monkey things do that, you know.

 
At 6:58 AM , Blogger billy pilgrim said...

lizzard king is an angel. you must have been the kindest most generous soul on the planet in a previous life to have the lizzard king drop into your lap in this life.

i'm gonna start to be nice so maybe i might run into a lizzard in some future life.

 
At 8:26 AM , Blogger Doralong said...

How sweet of the LK to tend to you in your Idol-less trauma. Now that's a good friend. If you bitch enough does he do the beer run too?

 
At 10:12 AM , Blogger jan said...

I would give you a synopsis of what you missed on AI, but all of the human debasement kind of blurred.

 
At 4:34 PM , Blogger citizen of the world said...

Is it just me, or were you eating blurry brownies?

 
At 6:07 PM , Blogger booda baby said...

Didn't Shakespeare warn us about these stages of man?

Hey. I was trying to be sympathetic, but since we're the proud/poor owners of the three channels that squeeze in through the marine layer and PBS INVARIABLY sizzle out at exactly the most critical moment because some neighbor needs to nuke something ... (uh.oh. I forgot what I was saying.)

Sorry.

 
At 6:40 PM , Blogger Kimberly Ann said...

Mmm, you had me at brownies...Um, what was I saying? Oh yeah, satellite tv sucks. Love me some cable with DVR. I record all my obscuro stuff and watch it whenever I have a spare few minutes. Like while brownies are in the oven.

 
At 6:43 PM , Blogger Sling said...

babs- Brownies and pecan pie?
You must be a guilt trip master!

lorraine- I had a Capuchin monkey as a pet for years,and I can tell you they will snatch yer brownies in a dead second!..and your mealworms.
They will also pretend to have a cold so they can get high on cough medicine.
Rascally monkeys!

billy P.- Or you can just do like I do,and be such a pain in the ass that people will make you brownies,just to shut you up.

jan- We usually both go on the beer run.
That way we can keep an eye on each other,and the beer.

Citizen of the world- It's not your imagination.The camera was slightly drunk at the time of the photo.

booda baby- There are like 6 wireless networks in my neighborhood,and I notice on weekends when we all try to go online at the same time,I have difficulty connecting.I attribute this to a faulty marine layer.
What was the question?

 
At 6:45 PM , Blogger Sling said...

kimberly ann- oops!..You said the 'cable' word!
Did I forget to mention that my in-house brownie magician works for DirecTV? ;)

 
At 7:37 PM , Blogger more cowbell said...

Oh man --- you are making me want brownies so bad.

Loved the dialogue, very clever. And effective, judging by the pic.

 
At 7:51 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Cowbelle- If only I used these powers for good,instead of brownies.

 
At 9:12 AM , Blogger Kari (GrannySkywalker) said...

My husband loves the early American Idol stuff, too. It's too much like a horrible, bloody, nightmarish train wreck for my taste. I spent the first 4 seasons of A.I. mocking my husband and all his friends for being such suckers for that show. And then he suckered ME in. It was painful for me (lol)...but once I started watching, I was hooked. Until they voted Daughtry off. Then I was too pissed to watch again. Until last year, that is, when I heard Jordin Sparks and Company. Then it started all over again. I'm still contemptuous of all reality shows. But A.I. is my guilty pleasure, my dirty little secret. Crap. You can tell I'm getting old when a lousy description of American Idol rates words like "guilty" and "dirty". I think it's time I re-thought this whole A.I. obsession I've developed. In the meantime, I'd better go take my Geritol...
Later.
Kari

 
At 11:40 AM , Blogger Middle Child said...

WE get the Australian version which is just as crap... but one year it threw up this amazing female singer she was as big a Mama Cass, with a voice like mellow velvet...only about 16, Casey Donovan - and she won against of the chickin wrigglin squawkers doing Britney imitations badly... she won against the neat little boy packages who warbled badly about lost love, and she beat the judges who couldn't sing to save their souls..the judges are nobodies...absolute nobodies and it shows.... but she won the popular vote over and over... they had to give it to her...

then after the Oz one is over we get the U.S. version... its a hoot.

Demand to see the Australian version after yours finishes...double the fun.

 
At 12:39 AM , Blogger Willym said...

Can you get him to do take-out??? My wifi is acting up and nobody at the other end of the line speaks English and brownies or even better Peach cobbler would be great comfort food.

 
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