Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Wanna see something REALLY scary?...

In keeping with the season,..a tale of horror.

My wife and I had just purchased our very own home in the "Inland Empire".That nebulous area lying at the foothills of the high desert,which over the last 25 years has basically become a suburb of Orange county,which is now basically a suburb of Los Angeles.

Built in the 30's,it was a charming 3 bedroom cottage.Just perfect for my wife and I,.."Audry Rose" our 2 year old daughter,and "Shatzie",our beloved Sheltie-mix mutt.

The following incidents occurred within the first few weeks of moving in...

Like most people,immediately upon getting settled in,I was anxious to check out the attic to see if the previous owners had left behind any vintage clothing...Wouldn't it be cool to find an actual WWII leather flight jacket amongst the usual cache of Mason jars,and old newspapers!!..Oh yes.

I had been rifling through a stack of autographed Gustave Dore lithographs I'd discovered under some Faberge eggs in an old Chippendale credenza (sadly..no leather flight jacket) for about ten minutes, when I became aware of a "presence".

Not one of those malevolent,Amityville,"GET OUT!" kind of spectres,..more like a, "This really isn't a good time for me" type sensation..

I felt like a telemarketer trying to sell timeshares at KOA during suppertime,and the hairs on the back of my neck prickled...Needless to say,..I got the hell outta there!..

"Did you find anything useful up there?..'Cause I gotta tell ya,we're up to our asses in Mason jars"..

"There's a ghost in the attic".

"Fine..Take out the garbage"..

That night,shortly after we retired to our bed,we heard the unmistakable sound of the toilet flushing!

Knowing that Little Audry was fast asleep,I lept from the bed to investigate.

I burst into the bathroom just in time to witness the final "gurgle" of blue toilet water descending the porcelain bowl in triumph,..AND!..The toilet seat was up!..Inconceivable!

I live in a house with two women..Do the math.

"What was that all about?"

"I'm pretty sure the ghost flushed the toilet".

"Fine..Aarrgh!..Your feet are cold!"...

Over the next several nights,this phenomenon occurred like clockwork..Each time I would rise,walk down the hall to the bathroom to that same blue hemispherical "Whoosh",..and put the toilet seat down.
No way I'm gettin' blamed for that!...

Then,..one night...



"There was a man on the couch,..and he floated up in the ceiling!"..

"...wake me if he comes in your room"..


"Oh!..umm,..come sleep with us honey..Daddy'll take care of it in the morning".

Shortly after sunrise the next morning (10 am),I climbed up the ladder,and thrust my head through the claustrophobic opening,into that terrible space.

"Hey!!...WE LIVE HERE!..You can stay if you want,but quit being such a putz!"...yer scarin' the women folk"...

.."And put the toilet seat down when yer done!!...dammit"..

I know without fear of equivocation,that all ghostly activity ceased after that bold confrontation with our resident poltergeist.

Still,..and to this very day,..my ex-wife swears that it was he that continued to leave the toilet seat up for years afterward...


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At 7:27 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

(happy dance happy dance)
I loved that story soooooo much!

At 9:22 PM , Blogger Mom said...

Tee Hee

At 12:28 AM , Blogger more cowbell said...

You know what you've done, don't you? Tomorrow morning, men all over the country will be heard to say, "Honey, it wasn't me ... that ghost keeps leaving the seat up..."

At 4:17 AM , Blogger Nunnie's Attic said...

Ok that was a GREAT story! I love "feeling" you had. I downright guffawed over that. And I caught the reference to The Princess Bride!

And btw, kudos for the having the giomes to yell at "the man behind the curtain."


At 5:50 AM , Blogger Doralong said...

At least he was polite enough to depart. Perhaps not, you'd never leave the lid up, would you?

At 7:57 AM , Blogger Kimberly Ann said...

Great story. I was inspired to toast marshmallows by the light of my monitor.

At 10:39 AM , Blogger Lorraine said...

I had no idea that ghosts could pee.

At 4:23 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Bat- Happy dance back at ya!

mom- ;)

more cowbell- heh heh..exxxcelent!

Julie- Don't ya just love that "Inconceivable!" guy..I cracked up when his buddy told him,"I don't think that word means what you think it means"..

doralong- I'm taking that secret to my grave..BWAHAHAHA!

kimberly ann- Thanks!...more s'mores please.

lorraine- Oh yes..It's a little known scientific fact.
Haven't you ever heard the expression,"spine tinkling"?

At 4:55 PM , Blogger jan said...

It's nice that you got a ghost that flushed.

At 6:11 PM , Blogger rosemary said...

Blue urine? Was he ill????

At 8:02 PM , Blogger Monica said...

thank you fr not scaring monica by making your story funny. i do have to go to sleep eventually and i thank you for making it that much easier.

At 8:31 PM , Blogger Sling said...

jan- Plus!..He didn't eat much,and hardly made a mess.

rosemary- Ill?..no..Dead?..yes.
Probably murdered by his wife for leaving the toilet seat up.

Mon- It was a scary tale of horror!!...Oh hell,..sleep tight.

At 8:07 AM , Blogger the rube said...

do you still have the faberge eggs?

i happen to have a ww2 leather flight jacket and i'm willing to make an even swap.

At 10:07 AM , Anonymous Tater said...

Loved your ghost story, I posted one a while back entitled "the Attic" and you took me right back to my ghost experience. Mine was poltergeist driven as well, but with a rocker rocking by itself, not ghastly tinkling. I think I would have preferred toilet flushing. Much better to have a ghost that is polite enough to flush.

Who wants my left over Halloween Candy? Perhaps I could turn it into a pie?

At 5:32 PM , Blogger Serena Joy said...

LMAO at your terrific ghost story.:-)

At 5:35 PM , Blogger Citymouse said...

i love a good chill... but not by falling into the toilet!

At 6:36 PM , Blogger Sling said...

the rube- Ratz!..I got rid of all that junk in an,"Evertyhing in this box $3.00" yard sale.

tater- No kidding,..my Grandma used to tell us kids all those wives-tale omens!..
A rocking chair rocking when nobody's in it,means someone is going to die!..
Dog howling:Some one's gonna die.
Cricket chirps before sundown:Some one's gonna die.
Muddy footprints on her kitchen floor:Some one's gonna wish they were dead...

serena joy- I misspelled all those words on purpose!...just sayin'. ;)

citymouse- Well that explains why you women NEVER leave the toilet seat up for us guys...

At 8:26 PM , Blogger Serena Joy said...

I knew that.:-)

At 3:39 PM , Blogger booda baby said...

OOoh, that was super good. Not so scary as much as spooky. Most of the fear factor evaporates in the face of toilet lids facing the wrong direction. Did he ever change the toilet paper? And did he get THAT wrong, too?

At 5:13 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Heh heh..After my little girl witnessed that apparition,I figured we were either gonna get along,or get it on..
..and don't you just hate it when the toilet paper roll is on backwards!

At 11:01 PM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

a rude peeing ghost...can't ask for more then that...

At 1:02 AM , Blogger Middle Child said...

See... they respect ya!

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