Sunday, June 10, 2007

Now that's just spam...

I don't have anything to really write about,and I know if I don't post something everyone will just stop visiting,and go someplace else...It's a blog eat blog world after all.
Okay,..I don't actually believe that,but still,I figure as long as people are going out of their way to drop in,they should get to see some new words from time to time.
I love words.I love how they can inform,and inspire,and entertain.What I don't especially care for,is how some advertisers toss them about as if we were all lining up,anxious to try sticking our tongues on the frozen flagpole of their bullshit...
"Step right up ladies and gents!".."And send us your scrap gold!"..Have you seen this commercial?
My..Scrap..Gold.
Oh yeah!..I keep it in the kitchen drawer,along with my disposable gem stones,and those little widgity things that I save because they look like they belong to something important,but I don't know what.
"Wait one second there mister!".."How do I KNOW my scrap gold will arrive there safely?"
"Just call this number,and we'll even provide you with this "virtually indestructible" envelope!"..(I just invented using air quotes within actual quotes,.but I digress)..
So,..exactly how do you guys open this virtually indestructible envelope?..I mean,..Do you place it in the corporate cyclotron,and hurl plutonium atoms at it 'till it reaches critical mass,and bursts open in a blinding flash of light??..Or do you use,..I don't know,..A LETTER OPENER!!
I just don't think they've thought this through.
Still,even this assault on my wits is not as exasperating as those soft porn pitches for "Vasomine".
I know you've seen this one,and if you're like me,felt compelled to shower afterward.
Skinny blond chick,dripping sex,coos into the camera,"My man doesn't NEED a prescription,..He uses Vasomine!"..(cut to short,middle aged guy at the bar,about to get lucky)..
Now,this wonder of science Vasomine is a topical ointment.(or so I'm told..work with me here dammit!)..So here I am,applyin' this goo like there's no tomorrow,when it suddenly occurs to me,"Hey!..Not only do I not need a prescription skinny blond chick,..I don't even need YOU!".

I'll be here all week...

17 Comments:

At 6:49 PM , Anonymous jan said...

"sticking our tongues on the frozen flagpole of their bullshit..."

I am SO nominating this for Blog Metaphor of the year!!!

 
At 9:41 PM , Blogger Auld Hat said...

check check...can we bring the volume up Bob? ch-ch-ch...check...
(that's me preparing you for the road. SLING! big lights)

 
At 12:12 AM , Blogger more cowbell said...

Oh yeah: as if we were all lining up,anxious to try sticking our tongues on the frozen flagpole of their bullshit... Genius! Ditto Jan AND The Hat!

 
At 8:58 AM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

mwaIcnttwk...
ok..Now that I have my tongue freed from their frozen flagpole of bullshit..I can speak freely...
what were we talking about?
I love coming here..u funny

 
At 1:11 PM , Blogger Monica said...

I've said this before but you definitely have a way with words. Are you a talkative drinker by any chance? Must be quite entertaining.

Anyway, when doing quotes within quotes, you use a single quotation mark 'sling'. My proofreading tip of the day. I'll be here all week.

 
At 7:13 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Jan-I've already given myself the "Sling's domain great American citcus of fine blog metaphors" award..complete with official seal!
Thanks for visiting! :)

Hat-The best part about taking my show on the road,is that I can cash my paycheck on the bus home..

More Cowbell-Genius??...Nah..Idiot Savant maybe.

Yeller dog G.-How many times do I have to tell you to keep that thing in yer mouth?..and you know I love having you over for tea and vasomine.. ;)

monica-Here's a random Sling fact..I only ever blog when I've been drinking,and I rely a lot on my bartending days for inspiration.

I swear,I didn't know the single quotation mark rule..I like it! :)

 
At 5:37 AM , Blogger the rube said...

one of those slick talking word masters sold me 3 pocket fishermen.

and i never caught one fecking fish.

 
At 7:30 AM , Blogger Princess Banter said...

Dude -- I think I just got totally overthrown being the queen of randomness (you can be king). Love it though! Love every single bit of it... never stop ;)

 
At 11:40 AM , Blogger jp said...

And this is what he comes up with on a day when he doesn't have anything to say...

I'm going back to the flagpole now.

 
At 1:22 PM , Blogger Citymouse said...

but you didnt even talk about how you can buy homes with no money down--- just pay me $999 for my program that shows you how!

 
At 1:24 PM , Blogger CS said...

"I don't have anything to really write about" - never a deterrent for the devoted blogger! I seem to be missing the good commercials - vasomine, scrap gold. I did one recieve a prize in the mail of a "genuine semi-precoius gemstone" which seemed to be some hardend black gunk in a round-ish shape. But the best part was that it came with a "jeweler's display case" - which was a little ziploc baggie.

(Monica scooped me on the quote-within-a-quote tip.)

 
At 3:25 PM , Blogger rosemary said...

Nothing to say Sling.....you are simply genius. Have not seen the Valvoline one...may need to stay awake later.

 
At 5:42 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Damm...I come home from work to all these wonderful comments!..I'm feelin' virtually indestructible long about now. :)
P.S. Why the hell does everyone but me know about this quotes within quotes rule??...that's messed up.

 
At 9:28 AM , Blogger apositivepessimist said...

I am digging some of yer ads here. Especially like the bloke that says…”my wife doesn’t think I’m as disgusting as I once was”…he’d lost 30 pounds or whatever via some diet network.

Like a bad smell I’ll always come back.

WhaHuh “quote within quotes” rule. There’s a rule???

 
At 12:12 PM , Blogger Allan said...

If it's on TV , it's true. Where are my fabulous prizes?

 
At 6:41 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Apos-..and see how happy he is that he's not so disgusting to his wife!
This makes perfect sense to him.
..and yes,there is a proper way to use quotes within quotes..I'm SO bummed because I thought I invented it.. ;)

allan-To receive your fabulous prizes,simply send $19.95 to Sling's Domain,(to cover shipping and handling),and I'll respond in some way..sooner or later..eventually.

 
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