Monday, July 16, 2007

...let me count the ways.

I'm taking a sick day today,and I'll tell you why.

Because I'm a friggin' idiot!..That's why.

Hopefully that clears everything up and,..Wazzat?..You want ALL the details of my stupidity?
Crap..You guys are relentless.
A'ight.
Yesterday afternoon,The Lizzard King and Little Newt went to go swimming down at Feather River,so I decided to take a pleasant bicycle ride over to Mall-Wart,and pick up some personal hygiene products.
Oh sure,it's 98 degrees out,but it's only about 3 miles round trip.Should be a piece o' cake.
And it was.
I arrived back home,a little sweaty,anxious to pound down a cold beer.
Setting down my bags,I reached into my pocket to fetch my keys...my keys..My fuckin' KEYS!!
Oh,..not to worry.I didn't lose them.
They are resting quite safely,on the coffee table, IN MY BEDROOM!
I never,ever,forget my keys..only this time,I did.

Well hell..I'll just stash the packages on the porch,pedal on down to the river,and borrow LK's keys.
No way am I waiting on the porch,in this heat,for him to decide to mosey on home.Besides,it's only about another 3 or 4 miles round trip.

So..Mr,"We'll be at our regular spot"...Where the hell are you?
Nowhere to be found...and it's hot..and I'm starting to feel my age.

I'll bet he went to his brother's house!(Are you beginning to sense a pattern here?) Yep,..another mile or so,only to discover that nobody is home...
I don't feel very good.
Well,if he's not here,and he's not at the river,he certainly MUST be home by now!
Strike Three.

Okay,I get it.I should've stayed here and waited.
I'm parched,and nauseous,and my skin is feelin' a little clammy.
All the symptoms of being an incredible moron.
..at least the water from the hose has that piquant flavor of hot vinyl,and garden soil.
As I'm quenching my lust for H2O,I happen to look up,and notice that the bathroom window is open!
Which is handy,because I didn't have to go far to puke after squeezing through that tiny-ass opening,over the sink,and face-first onto the linoleum.

So,this morning,I'm still feeling a little pekid,but I'm pretty sure this will pass.
I jump on the Spirit of Oxnard to head to work...
Flat tire..

You know what?...Screw it!!
..and that's why I'm taking a sick day.

Labels:

22 Comments:

At 11:33 AM , Blogger Lorraine said...

Oh, goodness. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. And watch the Food Network. Hydrate some more. Nap. Hydrate. Pee. Hydrate. Have some applesauce cake.

Take care, dude.

 
At 11:56 AM , Blogger Serena Joy said...

Mother of God! I'd be taking a sick day, too. You poor thing. It's bad enough getting locked out in good weather. I tend to hurl if I have to be outside more than 5 minutes when it's above 90, so I feel for you. Crank up the AC and feel better!

 
At 12:25 PM , Blogger Sling said...

I'm pretty much over it kids.I just didn't feel good enough to walk to work.
You know,I felt really dumb for not checking the windows first.We never,ever,leave them open..Only this time,we did.

 
At 4:03 PM , Blogger Auld Hat said...

Just the Universe's way of reminding you to keep your shirt off. What? The Universe could totally say that. Don't act like it couldn't. And before we start passing judgement around here let's just remember that I am not the one skipping work. (clinks ice tea in your honor)

 
At 4:19 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Rack Lady-OH YEAH??..well,that's all I got.
Let's ALL have some tea and applesauce cake.

 
At 5:19 PM , Blogger Monica said...

all that AND you had to endure wal-mart. you deserve a day off for sure.

 
At 5:29 PM , Blogger Sling said...

monica-See!..This is what I'm sayin'.

 
At 6:06 PM , Anonymous jan said...

You deserve a physical AND mental health day off after a day like that. I'd say that could happen to anyone but then I'd be lying.

 
At 6:52 PM , Blogger more cowbell said...

What a great story -- I hope you're able to laugh about it now, because I already am. What? That's some funny shit. I'm glad you're ok and that you didn't actually get heat stroke or exhaustion or whateverthehell it is.

I skipped work today too. Well, no, actually I worked from home. I worked in my pajamas on my couch. You can laugh if you want.

 
At 7:55 PM , Blogger Allan said...

Add me to the list of not-going -to work today people! Good company.

 
At 8:07 PM , Blogger Sling said...

jan-Yeah..I like to think I'm in a class all by myself. ;)

more cowbell-hell yes I'm lughing!...at the pajamas,I mean.

allan-It's a pretty exclusive club.Hey!..We could get T-shrts!

 
At 9:40 AM , Blogger rosemary said...

Let's be practical here.....drink some gatorade not a ton of water. Let's take a nappypoo, eat some juicy fruit and take another nappypoo...get a new tire or whatever is done with tires...Jp got all new ones so maybe it is time to check those little squiggles on them. There, we feel better...how about you Sling? How are ya feelin?

 
At 11:18 AM , Blogger Danielle said...

Oh Sling,
The heat and bike riding is no joke. I gotta echo Gatorade instead of water, take it from a desert dweller.

Take it easy.

Take one bottle of Gatorade for every beer, dude, kay.

Much love.

 
At 5:25 PM , Blogger Sling said...

rosemary-lol...I'm feelin' fine kid!
The tire is fixed with a self-sealing innertube,so I'm ready for the next goathead.

danielle-1 bottle of Gatorade for every beer??
They sell that stuff by the Keg?

 
At 8:36 PM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

you have my permission to not only take the day off....take the week off..what a horror...hope you are feeling better....

 
At 8:50 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Yellowdog G.-..I'll tell 'em the Goddess said so. ;)

 
At 8:21 AM , Blogger jp said...

I remember being a kid and it was nothing to spend entire days outside when it was this hot.

Now I can barely make it from the air-conditioned car to the air-conditioned lobby without melting into a puddle of myself.

 
At 9:57 AM , Blogger the rube said...

i feel your pain.

if i had a dollar for every time i locked myself out, i'd go have a top notch dim sum lunch.

did the ride to the river involve going up any hills? those feckin hills can be a bugger on a hot day.

 
At 11:02 AM , Blogger CS said...

Oh, yeah, I've done it. More times than I can count, in fact. A good enough reason to take a day off and recoup. Hope you got lots of rest and water. And the cold beer you were hoping for.

 
At 5:00 PM , Blogger Sling said...

JP-I just kept thinking I'd find him at the next stop,so I didn't bother to hydrate like I know I should.
"Puddle of myself"..Heh,heh.

Rube-Most of O-Town is pretty flat,but even a slight grade is tough when you're over extended.

CS-Got a nice frosty mug in front of me,even as we speak. ;)

 
At 9:51 PM , Blogger Middle Child said...

Wow! I had heatstroke when I was 12 and I still remember how sick I was.after spending the whole summer day outside playing, ...my head felt like it would burst and I vomitted over and over... Hope you feel better now.

Hope you enjoyed the day off...sometimes if you are not too sick they are the best days.

 
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