...let me count the ways.

I'm taking a sick day today,and I'll tell you why.

Because I'm a friggin' idiot!..That's why.

Hopefully that clears everything up and,..Wazzat?..You want ALL the details of my stupidity?
Crap..You guys are relentless.
A'ight.
Yesterday afternoon,The Lizzard King and Little Newt went to go swimming down at Feather River,so I decided to take a pleasant bicycle ride over to Mall-Wart,and pick up some personal hygiene products.
Oh sure,it's 98 degrees out,but it's only about 3 miles round trip.Should be a piece o' cake.
And it was.
I arrived back home,a little sweaty,anxious to pound down a cold beer.
Setting down my bags,I reached into my pocket to fetch my keys...my keys..My fuckin' KEYS!!
Oh,..not to worry.I didn't lose them.
They are resting quite safely,on the coffee table, IN MY BEDROOM!
I never,ever,forget my keys..only this time,I did.

Well hell..I'll just stash the packages on the porch,pedal on down to the river,and borrow LK's keys.
No way am I waiting on the porch,in this heat,for him to decide to mosey on home.Besides,it's only about another 3 or 4 miles round trip.

So..Mr,"We'll be at our regular spot"...Where the hell are you?
Nowhere to be found...and it's hot..and I'm starting to feel my age.

I'll bet he went to his brother's house!(Are you beginning to sense a pattern here?) Yep,..another mile or so,only to discover that nobody is home...
I don't feel very good.
Well,if he's not here,and he's not at the river,he certainly MUST be home by now!
Strike Three.

Okay,I get it.I should've stayed here and waited.
I'm parched,and nauseous,and my skin is feelin' a little clammy.
All the symptoms of being an incredible moron.
..at least the water from the hose has that piquant flavor of hot vinyl,and garden soil.
As I'm quenching my lust for H2O,I happen to look up,and notice that the bathroom window is open!
Which is handy,because I didn't have to go far to puke after squeezing through that tiny-ass opening,over the sink,and face-first onto the linoleum.

So,this morning,I'm still feeling a little pekid,but I'm pretty sure this will pass.
I jump on the Spirit of Oxnard to head to work...
Flat tire..

You know what?...Screw it!!
..and that's why I'm taking a sick day.