In keeping with the season,..a tale of horror.
My wife and I had just purchased our very own home in the "Inland Empire".That nebulous area lying at the foothills of the high desert,which over the last 25 years has basically become a suburb of Orange county,which is now basically a suburb of Los Angeles.
Built in the 30's,it was a charming 3 bedroom cottage.Just perfect for my wife and I,.."Audry Rose" our 2 year old daughter,and "Shatzie",our beloved Sheltie-mix mutt.
The following incidents occurred within the first few weeks of moving in...
Like most people,immediately upon getting settled in,I was anxious to check out the attic to see if the previous owners had left behind any vintage clothing...Wouldn't it be cool to find an actual WWII leather flight jacket amongst the usual cache of Mason jars,and old newspapers!!..Oh yes.
I had been rifling through a stack of autographed Gustave Dore lithographs I'd discovered under some Faberge eggs in an old Chippendale credenza (sadly..no leather flight jacket) for about ten minutes, when I became aware of a "presence".
Not one of those malevolent,Amityville,"GET OUT!" kind of spectres,..more like a, "This really isn't a good time for me" type sensation..
I felt like a telemarketer trying to sell timeshares at KOA during suppertime,and the hairs on the back of my neck prickled...Needless to say,..I got the hell outta there!..
"Did you find anything useful up there?..'Cause I gotta tell ya,we're up to our asses in Mason jars"..
"There's a ghost in the attic".
"Fine..Take out the garbage"..
That night,shortly after we retired to our bed,we heard the unmistakable sound of the toilet flushing!
Knowing that Little Audry was fast asleep,I lept from the bed to investigate.
I burst into the bathroom just in time to witness the final "gurgle" of blue toilet water descending the porcelain bowl in triumph,..AND!..The toilet seat was up!..Inconceivable!
I live in a house with two women..Do the math.
"What was that all about?"
"I'm pretty sure the ghost flushed the toilet".
"Fine..Aarrgh!..Your feet are cold!"...
Over the next several nights,this phenomenon occurred like clockwork..Each time I would rise,walk down the hall to the bathroom to that same blue hemispherical "Whoosh",..and put the toilet seat down.
No way I'm gettin' blamed for that!...
"There was a man on the couch,..and he floated up in the ceiling!"..
"...wake me if he comes in your room"..
"Oh!..umm,..come sleep with us honey..Daddy'll take care of it in the morning".
Shortly after sunrise the next morning (10 am),I climbed up the ladder,and thrust my head through the claustrophobic opening,into that terrible space.
"Hey!!...WE LIVE HERE!..You can stay if you want,but quit being such a putz!"...yer scarin' the women folk"...
.."And put the toilet seat down when yer done!!...dammit"..
I know without fear of equivocation,that all ghostly activity ceased after that bold confrontation with our resident poltergeist.
Still,..and to this very day,..my ex-wife swears that it was he that continued to leave the toilet seat up for years afterward...
Labels: Based on a true story, Poltergeists keep changing my punctuation