Thursday, November 15, 2007

Scofflaw..

It's been 3 1/2 years since my un-carceration,and I knew this was bound to happen sooner or later.
This morning,while riding my bike to work,I was pulled over by a cop.
DAMM!..I hate it when this happens...It's just been my experience,that every time I talk to a cop,I go to jail.
At least that's how it was in Colorado.
My brothers and I would routinely be picked up in that "usual suspects" fashion,and end up spending a day or three locked down while the local constabulary sorted things out.We even kept Larry,"I'll get you out if it takes 20 years!",the bail bondsman on retainer..

In any case,when I noticed the flashing lights reflecting off the pre-dawn sidewalk,I began preparing myself for the inevitable Danse Macabre..

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"..

Why do they always ask that stupid question?..I mean,..do they expect me to say,"Is it about those blood curdling screams you heard emanating from the trunk of my car??..'Cause,..I can explain that!".
Personally,I really don't think it's my job to offer up a list of reasons why they should arrest me..I'm funny like that.

"Umm..No I don't officer".
Of course,I knew for an actual fact that I'd just breezed through that last stop sign like I owned the property..

"You just breezed through that last stop sign like you owned the property!"..

..damm..This guy's good.
Once they've correctly identified the nature of my misdemeanor,and I'm satisfied he really doesn't know about that thing I did that time,I try a different approach..
Honesty..

"Yes,..yes I did officer...I could see that there was no cross traffic for 37 miles in either direction,so I continued on...My bad".

"Can I see your ID please"..

Shit!..okay..In 3 1/2 years,I've never bothered to get a driver's license,or state ID...All that paperwork.
I've gotten along just fine with my Department of Corrections identification.
Yep...
The country may be on yellow alert,but I've flown on planes,secured employment,and cashed my paychecks using only my,"This guy is a certified felon" picture ID.
Hey!..It never expires!..no shit.

So I hand it over to junior achiever,and start doin' the math in my head.

This is where he tells me to turn around,and put my hands behind my back.
I'll lock my bike up to that stop sign I just ran.
I'll get to County lock-up,and call work to explain how I don't feel very well today.
I keep a couple hundred in my wallet for just such an occasion,so I'll post my own bail,and be home in time for Regis and Kelly...

"Requesting wants and warrants on a Mr. Sling,Shot".

Do I have anything in the Western Hemisphere I forgot about??..
Did I pay that $17.00 busted tail light fine back in '86??..
I'm pretty sure that check I kited at "Gary's house of leather" has been long since forgotten.

Oh,..like you never skipped town in the middle of the night!..

**Crackle**..."be advised...Subject is clear"..

"Thank you Mr. Shot..Try to be a little more careful in the future"..

..."????"...

I was really lookin' forward to Regis and Kelly.

EDIT:
What happened to the leopard pic in my header??
..there's never a cop around when you need one.

21 Comments:

At 5:41 PM , Anonymous jan said...

Impressive. You handled yourself like a pro. If I ever got pulled over I'm sure I would make a full confession to all the unsolved crimes in the area. Either that or wet myself.

 
At 8:31 PM , Blogger rosemary said...

He pulled you over on your BIKE? Was the doughnut shop closed? He must have been sooooo bored. Look, Sling, I have 4 adult cats and 2 kittens, 2 dogs and a whole herd of forest animals I feed. I cannot take care of your leopard AND read blogs.

 
At 11:34 PM , Blogger more cowbell said...

"It doesn't expire" -- hey, that is definitely worth something! My daddy was a cop, and I still get nervous when I see them in the rear view mirror.

So nice to get let off with a warning. Whew!

And you're the motivation for education tonight -- I had to go look up the difference between leopards and jaguars because in my mind he was always "Sling's Jaguar". but not like the car. I thought my computer was just being slow ... but he never appeared [sniff].

The big cats are among my favorite animals, and leopards & jaguars I think are the most beautiful of all. Tigers are close, though. But the spots, and the way they move ... they're such gorgeous creatures. I hope he comes back soon.

My other favorite animal is the wombat. I love wombats.

 
At 7:36 AM , Blogger Lorraine said...

I shake and cry when I see a police car, even if it is going the opposite direction. And I've only ever been pulled over once and that was for not having my tabs (even though I did, I just hadn't put them on yet and when I reached for the glove box to show the cop he reached for his gun, I'm just saying).

FYI: I am capable of baking an applesauce cake both with and without a file. For the record.

 
At 9:20 AM , Blogger Citymouse said...

now, time to find a differnt way to work in the mornings :)

 
At 10:28 AM , Blogger Kimberly Ann said...

I'm shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you by this story. The Regis and Kelly part of the story. You watch that crap?

 
At 10:47 AM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

hey even our barney fife cops in west won't pull over someone on a bike..jeez louise...I work on my computer during regis and kelly..they make good background sounds to read blogs by...

 
At 11:02 AM , Blogger Auld Hat said...

I guess you fixed the big cat kerfuffle of '07 cuz I see it fine and dandy. And what's with the "Be advised" part?! I imagine the record saying, "Subject will break out in pithy banter and cerebral wit that may give cause for feelings of intellectual inadequacy"

 
At 11:57 AM , Blogger jp said...

Now that you're last name is revealed, we don't all have to start calling you Mr. Shot now, do we?

Is your sister named Hot?

Is your brother named Pot?

Do you have an uncle Buck?

Was your dad named Big?

Be glad your last name wasn't Shoot, because then your parents might have named you Crap.

I'll stop now. Unless I think of more.

 
At 11:57 AM , Blogger jp said...

I'm back.

How is your Auntie Tequila?

 
At 12:53 PM , Blogger Monica said...

dammit shot... (yeah, when i'm being stern i refer to folk by their last name)

this should have been way less funny than i found it. damn you for being so funny at a time like this!

 
At 1:16 PM , Blogger more cowbell said...

Yay! Mr. Leopard is back! He's so pretty.

 
At 2:55 PM , Blogger Nunnie's Attic said...

I'd a pissed my pants. Yep, why lie? And I would have been sobbing, frantically digging for my inhaler because I'm pretty sure I would have been hyperventilating by that point as well. I don't handle trouble well at all.

Love,
Julie

 
At 3:04 PM , Blogger the rube said...

i got arrested in your country for riding my bike on the wrong side of the street.

who's running that indebted cracker factory anyway?

 
At 5:50 PM , Blogger Sling said...

jan- Oh I'm a pro alright..There was a time when all this was part of doin' business...Now I'm retired. ;)

rosie- I know!..All day long kids are zipping around the neighborhood,and this guy chooses to hassle a guy on his way to work..sheesh!

more cowbell- Jaguar,leopard,puma,cougar...I'm pretty sure they are all names for the same beast.

lorraine- Cryng?..damm...Maybe I'll try that next time.
No need to ruin a perfectly good applesauce cake.Just make sure to bake enough so that I can bribe the guards.

citymouse- lol...I actually have several different routes I take to and from work.Just in case they are watching.

kimberly ann- I only watch that show when I call in sick..like when I break out in handcuffs.

Hat- I don't know what's up with the big cat.
He wandered off for a while,and then came back home at dinnertime.

JP- Crap!..You took all the good one's.
let's see..
My cousin,Ear..
My dog,Flu..
My eyes,Blood.. :)

monica- It's okay to laugh kid.
Midemeanors are only slight inconveniences,and they make great blog fodder.

Cowbelle- Yep!..He came scratchin' at the door this morning...hungover,no doubt.

Julie- I'm thinkin' you might wanna butch it up a little if that ever happens to you..:P

the rube- I woulda flipped that puppy around like I was going the other way!..At the time of this writing,Martin Borman and General Mills are running this cracker factory.

 
At 10:21 PM , Anonymous Tater said...

You handled that well. I was pulled over once while peaking on a hit of stellar window pain acid. The cop that pulled me over was about 12 months preggers, and she was as short as a Hobbit. she had me out of the car touching my finger to my nose, and I just started laughing at her, and couldn't stop. I told her that she better hurry up and write me up before she went into labor. She actually started laughing with me, I was able to touch my nose, and was told to be on my way. Last time pulled over while 12 years sober? TICKET. The Goddess is humerous.

 
At 12:36 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Tater- I once got pulled over for speeding,so I made up a quick story..

"My car starts to shimmy when I hit 45 officer,so I kinda have to punch the accelerator to get it to stop!"..

"Yeah,I can understand that,..but the speed limit is 25"...
TICKET!

I think the Goddess keeps us around for comic relief.

 
At 7:29 PM , Blogger Middle Child said...

What can i say? From what we see on tele, it appears your cops are a really jumpy lot...and this taser thing is scary stuff..they seem to enjoy doing it over and over..what are they on I ask?

I was tlkaing with youngest who will be in Canada for a few weeks next year and she said she'd never going to any country which still has the death penalty...that rules the US and China out...

my dad was set up by a copper in his youth and charged with murder...we had the death penalty then...it was the copper who killed the man...lucky there were people game enough to stand as witnesses for dad or we would not have known him nor been born I guess..I have no respect formost systems any more... take care Sling okay

 
At 7:38 PM , Blogger Sling said...

middle child- THAT is an incredible story!
I take responsibilty for my "distribution" charge,but oddly enough,90% of the product I had at the time of my bust never made it into evidence..Kinda explains what the coppers may be on.

 
At 2:12 PM , Blogger Allan said...

Nice break! Happy early thanksgiving!

 
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