Saturday, April 19, 2008

Squid Eye!!..

A couple weeks ago,I noted on my blog that we were doing a job for our local optometrist,Dr. Mengele.
We built a fine display case for his office,and are presently in the process of replacing his entire kitchen cabinetry,which was damaged in a small fire that erupted during a tragic fondue incident.

Part of the deal,was that he provide the employees of K's Kustom Kabs with whatever they needed in the way of corrective lenses.
Once again,the K's have gone out of their way to..well,..go out of their way.
So dont'cha know I had an appointment for my exam this very afternoon!

Now,I've worn glasses and contacts for most of my life,but this is the first time I've ever had to seriously 'recover' from the eye exam.
It started out normally enough,with the 'which is better,this or this',and the 'can you read this and that' line,but this soon escalated to the very latest in 'place your chin on the pad while I assault your optic nerve with assorted billion candle power' lights.
Holy crap.
Machines I'd never seen before!
He bragged that one of them had only been out for three months.
You place your entire face in this cone shaped contraption,and blazing red flashbulbs burst at various intervals.I forget what he said this is designed to diagnose..I think maybe that part of my memory was fused shut during the procedure.
Did I mention that this whole time my eyes are dilated from those sinister drops?..Yeah.
So,just about the time I figure the fireworks display in my skull has finished,he tells me,'I want to dilate your eyes again,so I can examine the back of your eyeballs'..
'Well okay,..you're the doctor'.
Once my pupils had opened up to the point where I could count the number of photons passing through them,he breaks out 'The Supernova 5000!' penlight he keeps squirreled away in a small,lead lined box..

'Look up and to the left'.
'Look straight up'.
'Look up and to the right'.
'Look to the right'.
'Look down and to the right'.
'Look straight down'.
'Look down and to the left'.
'Look to the left'..
'Okay,..now the right eye'.

Fuck.Me.Runnin'.

I started this post on Friday,and couldn't focus on the screen long enough to finish.
It's now Saturday morning,and my eyes feel like they've been scrubbed with a wire brush.
I'm sure this is all state of the art in optometric science,but DAMM!
..at least I didn't have to pay for it.

22 Comments:

At 10:16 AM , Blogger Lorraine said...

See, now that's just wrong. Visiting the eye doctor is traditionally supposed to be the one medically related checkup that isn't supposed to cause discomfort.

Although, yeah, if you're going to be tortured you certainly shouldn't have to pay for it.

 
At 10:40 AM , Blogger danny/ink2metal said...

oh geez! i thought you were describing my colonoscopy as i imagine it will be when i finally do go in to have it done.

yikes!

 
At 10:51 AM , Blogger Sling said...

Rainey- Now I'll tell ya a true story.
I had eye surgery to correct my 'lazy eye' when I was 3 or 4.I have no recollection of the experience in any case,and I never put it down on the intake questionaire,as it has been over 50 years.
During the course of the exam,the good doctor commented,'You've had eye surgery to correct a lazy eye'..I kid you not!..
I've had scores of eye exams,and not once has an optometrist been able to discern that...I was very impressed!

danny- Oh great.
You just had to remind me that I should have had a colonoscopy years ago.

 
At 11:16 AM , Blogger rosemary said...

Hum...I had my retina picture framed and hanging on the wall as fine art...and I gave a copy to my doctor...maybe I should send one to Home Depot too. Damn sling....I just had my exam last week and didn't have to become a fire breathing cone head. Who is this guy? Mengele's grandson for real?

I splurged and got 2 pair of glasses....because I have a small face (ya, I'm cute too) I have to get kids frames...8, that's as in 8 dollars for the frames....yup, that's me an eternal eyeball kid.

 
At 11:45 AM , Blogger Doralong said...

The K's are just such lovely, dear people! I hate, hate, hate eye exams! You can do damn near anything but come near my eyes. Back before the dawn of time when I was modeling, the makeup artists used to get so pissed because I refused to let anyone near me with mascara and had to do it myself. Silly phobia, I know.

And now I realize I finally need reading glasses, OY! Guess I'll down a couple of scotches and have someone drive me..

 
At 11:47 AM , Blogger Kimberly Ann said...

Itchy Owie, that is a helluva story. My eyesockets hurt just thinking about it. Melon balls, anyone?

 
At 7:46 PM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

i think i would have slipped him $20 and said leave me the fuck alone

 
At 8:57 PM , Blogger Mom said...

I have an appointment this week with the eye doctor. Now I am a bit nervous. Thanks.

 
At 11:27 PM , Blogger Middle Child said...

Aha...anothere lazy eye person... you know we are the real earthlings...the rest are the aliens...

Fuck me blind...haha

Don's favourite term was "Fuck me drunk" said with such a lovely smile one could never take offence... never figured out in 35 years what it meant... 'lil old simple me...

hate eye exams,,as usually mean $500 to pay out for glasses that take 6 mths to get used to and by then they're all scratched and I have vertigo from trying to climb ladders and stuff in them...

your boss sounds amazing.

 
At 1:44 AM , Blogger Willym said...

Kudos to the Ks - as always. As to that escapee from the Spanish Inquisition once you regain your vision I'd check out those degrees hanging on his wall.

Danny/Sling and anyone else having a colonoscopy:
1. Demand liquid valium
2. They don't tell you about the cramps afterwards from all that air they pump into you.
3. The "cleansing" process before hand is the worst part.
4. I've told you more than you need to/want to know.

 
At 7:35 AM , Blogger billy pilgrim said...

doctor, my eyes have seen the years....

 
At 10:17 AM , Blogger Sling said...

rosemary- Hey!..I want a picture of my retina too.The one I saw on the computer was pretty cool.
I asked to see the least expensive frames,and the ones I finally chose were like $170.00..I didn't want to take advantage of the K's kindness,but Mr. K told me to pick out some nice ones.

Doralong- I wore contacts for years,so I don't have much problems with touching my eyeballs.All that bright light was causing tears to stream down my face though.


kimberly ann-The bike ride home was no picnic either lemme tell ya.
It just had to be one of sunniest days of the year,and those slip on sunglasses they gave me flew of my face before I got 10 feet down the road.I'm sure that didn't help my eyes feel any better.

mom-Oh,I'm sorry dear.
You know,I'm sure he was just being thorough.It really wasn't painful,as much as uncomfortable.

willym- I know something of the whole colonoscopy process.One of the fellas at work had it done recently.
Nice tip on the liquid Vallium buddy.I'll remember that!

Billy P.-Great song!
And most appropriate.I'm getting my first pair of bi-focals.
..sux gettin' old.

 
At 2:54 PM , Blogger cs said...

OKAY, just great. I need to get my eyes checked, but I will wait again. Nope, not going now--no way!
I wore glasses all my life until 98. I then did that wonderful lasik thing...fabulous! Never looked back..get it?

But I hate it when they puff that stuff in your eyes and get all spacey-eyed. He must have put the puffer on high. Hope your peeps feel better soon...you're not coming down with a cold now are you? uh ohh Sling!
It starts out like allergies....and 2 weeks later you want to crawl into a cave...ughh..that's where I am right now....

oh did you have to tell him which picture looked better when they flip the lenses back in forth?
I fail every time.

 
At 8:05 PM , Blogger citizen of the world said...

I hate that machine that checks for glaucoma where they actually touch it to the surface of your numbed eyeball. I;m always afraid they'll just poke it right through.

 
At 8:39 AM , Blogger Monica said...

whoa...flashback to the all the eye mapping and exams and prodding i had to get before lasik. WHEW! i tell ya. i don't like to have stuff in my eye. 'tain't right sling. 'taint right. but i'm glad you got it becuase eye health is important and too often ignored until your blind or they're popping creepily out the sockets.

 
At 9:03 AM , Blogger LostInCO said...

oh those sinister drops! I pass out when they put them in my eyes.

 
At 9:42 AM , Blogger booda baby said...

Aow. Or Oaw. I guess it doesn't matter, if you can't see how I spelled them.

 
At 10:16 AM , Blogger sageweb said...

the K's are awesome. I love them already more then I should. I hate eye exams like I hate going to the dentist...they both are uncomfy. But I love breast exams...just sayin

 
At 1:36 PM , Blogger Auld Hat said...

The temptation to just write jibberish like, oh say a word verify kind of jibberishy bbqpfrx, is overwhelming. You know, just to totally mess with you. But then I decided that I couldn't do that to my friend. My poor, poor myopically mangled friend.
Quick, how many boobs am I holding up?

 
At 2:53 PM , Blogger Serena Joy said...

Free is free, and free's always good, but dang! I had an eye exam a couple of months ago with machines I'd never seen before and that left me unable to see without shades for hours. Didn't like that much. I had to pay for it, too!:)

 
At 4:14 PM , Blogger Sling said...

CS- I'd relly like to have lasik done,because I've heard only good things about it.
He never used the puffer machine to check for glaucoma.I think that's what the cone shaped face sucking thing is supposed to do.

Citizen- Like I said about contacts,touching my eyeball has never really bothered me.Having my eyes stapled open,and staring into the sun is another story.

monica- Now I'm gonna creep you out!..
The eye surgery I had required them to remove my eyes from their sockets..or so I was told.

booda babe- Oh great,now you guys are gonna start taking advantage of the blind guy!

Sage-See how much we have in common?
We both love the K's,and breast exams!

Hat- Well hold 'em up higher!..I can't see dammit!..oh,you have some lint on your lapel..
Higher!!!

serena- That's what I'm talkin' bout right there!..
These medical advances are killing me.
..Dr.Mcoy would have a fit.

 
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