Friday, December 07, 2007

"Just one more question..Do you still beat your wife?"..

I guess it was about 3 months ago,that we received a questionnaire from the census bureau informing us that we are required to complete the form,and send it back.
Well don't ya know that the Lizzard King and I looked at each other momentarily,and shit-canned it...
Some few weeks after that,we received another letter..

"The Census Bureau chose your address,not you personally,as a randomly selected sample.You are required by U.S. law to respond to this survey(Title 13,United States Code,Sections 141,193,and 221).We estimate this survey will take about 30 minutes of your time."..

Allow me to count the number of wrong buttons these motherfuckers just pushed.

  • You chose my address,and not me personally?..Well you can ask my address any goddamm thing you want Sparky,but I most decidedly DO take it personally when you roll up in here with a list of invasive,none o' yer business,like you're someone I owe money to queries!
  • I'm required by law to respond??..Let me just pull out that copy of the United States Code I keep stuck up my ass,and look up the part where I gotta say anything without a lawyer present..or that I even need to open my mail to begin with!..How do I know yer not Canadian spies,trying to gather logistical information as a prelude to invading Fresno?..I'm not falling for that again.
  • A 30 minute survey you say?..That's not a survey..That's a friggin' interrogation!..Is that a waterboard in your pocket,..or are you just glad to see me?
I decided not to throw this letter away,..choosing instead to burn it.

So guess who comes a knockin' at my door this very eve?..
A very polite and apologetic representative of the Census Bureau,of course.

"I'm sorry to bother you,but we haven't received your response to our questionnaire,and I was wondering if this would be a convenient time to go over the survey?"

"No..It's not a good time for me right now..Can you return next Monday at about the same time?"..

"Next Monday will be fine sir..Have a nice evening".

In truth,I really do understand that they use this information as a means of allocating resources to our communities,and that,as a good citizen,it's my civic duty to participate.
I just think they could have asked nicely...just sayin'.

So..Next Monday I'll sit down with young Mr.Suit,and answer his questions.
I imagine the conversation will go something like this...

Young Mr.Suit: "This won't take long Mr. Sling.There are only 135 questions we need to go over..Are you ready?"

Sling: "Fire away Sparky!"..

Sparky: "Fine then,..question number one..How many people live here?"

Sling: "You call this livin'??..Good god man,..look around!..The plumbing's shot,the windows don't seal properly so the wind comes whistlin' through like a friggin' bat outta hell!..Did you see the foyer on yer way in??..Lemme tell ya somethin' Sparky,...when I was your age..."

14 Comments:

At 4:46 PM , Blogger Middle Child said...

Must have been something about the times we were born into...but I am still laughing...its like the Jehovah bloody witnesses trying to out argue my sweet mild but fiercly intelligient old mum who was a real catholic, not just a see me at church catholic... she had them tied up in string by the tile they sluck out...

Go Sling do it for all of us who want to know the outcome... Blof us all straight away after...can your mate take photos "for the record" Ghandi had it right when he said that rather than oppose "them" we just use non cooperation...

Ah wishes I could see what you two do to the poor seat shining bastard.

 
At 4:47 PM , Blogger Middle Child said...

"Blof Us all" Thats a newie...what is a Blof pray tell...

 
At 6:25 PM , Blogger Mom said...

You are such a good citizen - an example for us all!
Hope Mr Suit enjoys his evening with you.

 
At 7:26 PM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

one time..many many many years ago..right before I was going to move from calif back to texas..I filled out one of those surveys..I bet that blew their mind..said there were 37 people living there. none of us were citizens...had jobs or made any money except for the drug deals we made out of the car out front that didn't run....some times being me is really fun..

 
At 7:28 PM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

ps...hows jackson doing?

 
At 9:24 PM , Blogger jan said...

Like Y.D., we filled out one of the surveys with most imaginative information, probably not as colorful as hers, but as I remember Russian Mafia and breeders of tarantulas were among the answers. I never heard from them again.

 
At 8:21 AM , Blogger Doralong said...

Please do tape it for us!!! I expect it'll make for some pretty priceless entertainment!

 
At 3:24 PM , Blogger billy pilgrim said...

the last time i filled out a census i told them i was a quadra-sexual.

 
At 9:25 AM , Blogger Nunnie's Attic said...

You're not right. But that's ok, neither am I.

Love,
Julie

 
At 1:57 PM , Blogger Sling said...

...and so I said,.."If you think for one minute That I'm cleanin' that up,..you got another thing comin' missy!!...what was the question?"

 
At 8:42 AM , Blogger Citymouse said...

LOL
Burn it.. like a draft card LOL!

 
At 12:02 PM , Anonymous Tater said...

I think you should mysteriously develop Tourette's Syndrome before Your meeting...

 
At 7:33 PM , Blogger Allan said...

You are right- it is both invasive and needed. Make up a fake name and a few kids that don't exist- the more kids counted, the more money the schools get - if you create a few phony offspring, it'll offset the people who don't answer the Census.
In 1999-2000 I trained Census enumerators, (a job I'd still have if Al Gore had been selected, not that I'm at all bitter)at that time, it was a benign operation, but I totally understand how : "Hi! I'm from the government and I am here to help!" might be met with a great deal of contempt and distrust -especially now- but it's a 'good cause', really.
One thing seems strange:
Unless things have changed since 2000 (what are the odds?) you should be allowed to keep the form, fill it out at your leisure and mail it in/ have it retrieved.
I would give the worker credit for the full 45 minutes even if they did nothing but drop-off/pick-up. Probably saved a few lives by doing so, ya know?

 
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