"Just one more question..Do you still beat your wife?"..

I guess it was about 3 months ago,that we received a questionnaire from the census bureau informing us that we are required to complete the form,and send it back.
Well don't ya know that the Lizzard King and I looked at each other momentarily,and shit-canned it...
Some few weeks after that,we received another letter..

"The Census Bureau chose your address,not you personally,as a randomly selected sample.You are required by U.S. law to respond to this survey(Title 13,United States Code,Sections 141,193,and 221).We estimate this survey will take about 30 minutes of your time."..

Allow me to count the number of wrong buttons these motherfuckers just pushed.

• You chose my address,and not me personally?..Well you can ask my address any goddamm thing you want Sparky,but I most decidedly DO take it personally when you roll up in here with a list of invasive,none o' yer business,like you're someone I owe money to queries!
• I'm required by law to respond??..Let me just pull out that copy of the United States Code I keep stuck up my ass,and look up the part where I gotta say anything without a lawyer present..or that I even need to open my mail to begin with!..How do I know yer not Canadian spies,trying to gather logistical information as a prelude to invading Fresno?..I'm not falling for that again.
• A 30 minute survey you say?..That's not a survey..That's a friggin' interrogation!..Is that a waterboard in your pocket,..or are you just glad to see me?

I decided not to throw this letter away,..choosing instead to burn it.

So guess who comes a knockin' at my door this very eve?..
A very polite and apologetic representative of the Census Bureau,of course.

"I'm sorry to bother you,but we haven't received your response to our questionnaire,and I was wondering if this would be a convenient time to go over the survey?"

"No..It's not a good time for me right now..Can you return next Monday at about the same time?"..

"Next Monday will be fine sir..Have a nice evening".

In truth,I really do understand that they use this information as a means of allocating resources to our communities,and that,as a good citizen,it's my civic duty to participate.
I just think they could have asked nicely...just sayin'.

So..Next Monday I'll sit down with young Mr.Suit,and answer his questions.
I imagine the conversation will go something like this...

Young Mr.Suit: "This won't take long Mr. Sling.There are only 135 questions we need to go over..Are you ready?"

Sling: "Fire away Sparky!"..

Sparky: "Fine then,..question number one..How many people live here?"

Sling: "You call this livin'??..Good god man,..look around!..The plumbing's shot,the windows don't seal properly so the wind comes whistlin' through like a friggin' bat outta hell!..Did you see the foyer on yer way in??..Lemme tell ya somethin' Sparky,...when I was your age..."