Wednesday, July 02, 2008

I'll bet they even have a secret handshake.

Sometimes,I think that there is a secret fraternity of assholes.

They hold their clandestine meetings in no-smoking,no-drinking,no-parking,no shirt no shoes no service,keep off the grass,don't feed the animals,no-loitering,no refund without a receipt,no tickie no shirtie,no fishing,no swimming,no laughing out loud establishments,where they begin the festivities by reading the minutes of their last asshole meeting;

..'Bob made a motion to forbid anybody on the planet from wearing flannel pajamas,because flannel makes him feel all itchy'..
..Motion carried!


Once the minutes have been heard,they set about the business of sucking the life out of life in earnest.

'The monthly meeting of the incredible assholes is called to order!..Is there any new business?..
The chair recognizes Schmendrick'.

'I'd like to discuss options for dealing with the wildfire situation in NorCal..
You know,there are 3 major causes of wildfires.
Power tools and machinery,lightning strikes,and arson..How can we use this information to insert our arbitrary assholedness into the lives of everyday folks?'..

'OOH!...Pick me!!'..

'The chair recognizes Schmuckfield'..

'It's fourth of July weekend!..We could ban fireworks!..' know,..we could argue that 8 year olds with sparklers are a menace to the safety and security of our homes and businesses..Plus,it has the word 'fire' in it.
That'll scare the hell outta the old folks!'

'All those in favor of bringing to a screaming halt,a tradition that has delighted the citizens of this country for two centuries,just so we can point disapproving fingers at our neighbors,and pretty much reduce the significance of Independence Day to that of Groundhog's Day,..Say 'aye'..

..'Motion carried'.

**Today's bonus recipe***

Dry ice bombs:

Place several shards of dry ice in a plastic,two-litre soda bottle.
Add 3 ounces H2O,and tightly secure cap.
Throw it way up high,and run!..

It makes the most satisfying BOOM!

Happy Fourth of July kids!



At 5:40 PM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

lets go kill 'em

At 6:17 PM , Blogger Nunnie's Attic said...

Fuck 'em!

At 6:30 PM , Blogger jan said...

Did you leave out the part where the informed citizenry elected the assholes to high government offices?

At 7:49 PM , Blogger Lorraine said...

I hate those assholes. I'm going to light extra sparklers for you this year. Maybe I'll even burn something. Nothing big, like acreage. Just a little somethin' somethin'.

At 7:57 PM , Blogger Miss Healthypants said...

That totally sucks ass!! Sorry, dude. I'll light an extra sparkler for you, as well. :)

At 7:44 AM , Blogger booda baby said...

So, what? Is it a no-contest kind of decree?

(I made up the above use of a made up phrase, the 'no-contest' thing, but for a second, it sounded all legally.)

I object strongly and heartily/hardily and, occasionally, kind of loudly to a committee of We Think We're Smarter Than You deciding shit without consulting me. Can't quite believe they believe they've got a mandate.

So exactly where do they get one of those?

At 8:03 AM , Blogger Mom said...

I will hold my sparkler high in salute to Sling and all others who live in darkness on Independence Day.

At 8:15 AM , Blogger LostInCO said...

When it gets really dry here, they ban the use of charcoal grills! Luckily this year things aren't so bad for us.

At 9:12 AM , Blogger sageweb said...

Funny thing is they will save the fireworks they have and light them later...and burn something down. Fireworks are illegal in my city...So is drinking and driving...those assholes take the fun out of everything.

At 4:36 PM , Blogger Sling said...

yellowdog G.-In keeping with the spirit of the holiday,and with an eye towards American tradition,Let's not kill them.
Tar and feathering will do nicely!

julie- ..and the horse they rode in on!

jan- I believe I covered that a couple of posts ago.
We simply fire their worthless asses.

lorraine- That's the spirit! :)
How ya gonna keep those good Catholic girls down on farm,once they've had the all-you-can-eat buffet at the O-Town Casino and delicatessen?

MHP- It's my understanding that some part of Chicago is always burning,..thanks for your support!

booda babe- I wrote this post in the hypothetical.
You see,O-Town is the only city in the county where personal use of fireworks is still allowed...forward thinking as we are.
BUT!..It's the rumblings of future bans that really concern me.
The naysayers are on the news every day,trying to use an act of nature to frighten people into believing that they have the answer...assholes.

I get my mandates at 'Phil's house of take your mandate,and insert it horizontally where it's least likely to fit'..

Nice work on the legalese by the way.

mom- That's what I'm talkin' about,right there!
Thanks hon. :)

Lost- Are you kidding me??
(climbs up on high horse)..
They ban the use of BBQ grills in Summertime?
We're gonna need more tar and feathers.

Sage- I'm tellin' ya,there really is a secret society of anal retentive assholes that stay up nights,thinking up ways to piss on our cornflakes!
..poor toilet traing,no doubt.

At 7:01 AM , Blogger cs said...

Oh Sling, we have the same up here...but I have a secret stash of sparklers for HHM and the Twinkies.
Be careful when you step out on the porch each morning to have a puff...they are lurking everywhere and the next thing you know, they will whip out the handcuffs and arrest you for smoking on your own front porch. They passed that law in Del Mar near San Diego...huge fine to boot!

Lordy, Pharisees are everywhere!

At 2:55 PM , Blogger Middle Child said...

"Schmendrick' and "Schmuckfield" - if I ever stop laughing long enough to see straight - "Schmendrick' and "Schmuckfield", people you know Sling - I think they are kissing cousinns (if that was allowed) to the Australian "Schmendrick' and "Schmuckfield" who banned Firecracker night here in the mid 1980's. I recall the very last bonfire and all the neighbours got together and built a beauty...that was the last one - bastards

At 7:26 PM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

sorry i slipped into my texas tradition mode..

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