I can't take this browbeating!..

It's a little known fact that the lovely and charismatic Danielle is a relentless investigative journalist,that will stop at nothing to get the inside story.So after much begging and pleading on my part,she finally agreed to interview me!
The following are 5 questions gleaned from nearly 10 grueling hours of audio tape:

1. What is your favorite martial arts move and do you agree that Bruce Lee was a God?..
I'm not sure I have a favorite move in particular.The moves that I like best,and have used most often,are simple and very effective.On several occasions I've had to eject misbehavers from the bar;
1)slide your palm up the back of their neck,firm against their scalp,using the fingers to "comb"the hair.
2)Clench your fist,taking a handful of hair,and push the head up and forward(Try it on yourself..VERY painful).The offender will instinctively rise up on his tip toes,and can be easily led quickly out the door...A man goes where his head goes!..Hair too short?..No problem.Palms under the chin with your forearms using his shoulders as a fulcrum works just as well! It's important to note that this treatment does not result in any permanent damage to someone who's biggest mistake may have been to have a little too much to drink. ..Now to address Mr. Lee.
Bruce Lee was a fine athlete,and did much to further the martial arts around the world.Kung-Fu in particular.The truth is that the techniques he popularized in his films are,for the most part,useless in ACTUAL combat.For my money,Steven Seagall,while a terrible actor,provides a far more accurate representation of how genuine self-defense technique should be employed.(Damm..I'm gonna get letters!)..End of pontification.

2. Since you are good with your hands what could you make with a rubber band, empty soda bottle, a piece of chewed gum and a whistle?..
By an amazing coincidence,I have patented a device using precisely those elements!..The "Slingshot Model X-15 Didgeridoo!"..I've included this highly technical,schematic blueprint thingy by way of illustration.(click to enlarge);


..I'm having a little trouble finding investors...

3. Where should one send a question to be answered in the feature Ask Sling?..
Questions can be sent to:
My e-mail addy,(click on "free porn")
They must meet the following requirements;

• They should be so monumentally ignorant,that even the Pope would reconsider his stand on birth control,and euthanasia.
• The sender acknowledges that anything they say will be twisted to suit my own sociopathic agenda,and may result in the tearing of an entirely new asshole!

4. In what way is your life fuller and more in balance now compared to five years ago and what caused the change?..
Wow...Five years ago I was living in a halfway house,with 2 years left on my sentence.I worked as a dishwasher at a local steakhouse 20-30 hours a week for $5.25 an hour,and was subject to random(and by that I mean,ANY hour of ANY day!)urinalysis testing a minimum of twice a week.It was penance for crimes I had most assuredly committed.
Mea Culpa..
Today,I have a rewarding occupation,come and go as I please,and am surrounded by warm and caring friends and family.The change was effected by the realization that I had lost every single thing of value through the insidious greed that comes from selling narcotics to hopeless addicts.

5. How long have you sported the 'stache?..
I proudly sported a fine "peachfuzz" handle at 17.
I've only shaved it off once,when my daughter was an infant,in 1976.
Currently,my 'stache is 31 years old.

I am now required,by international law,to provide 5 questions to the first five people that ask to be interviewed.If you wish to participate,please make sure that I have your E-mail addy so that I may send you your questions.You,in turn,are to post your answers on your blog,and respond to 5 interviewees as well.

GREAT JOB Danielle!..That was fun! :)