Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I can't take this browbeating!..

It's a little known fact that the lovely and charismatic Danielle is a relentless investigative journalist,that will stop at nothing to get the inside story.So after much begging and pleading on my part,she finally agreed to interview me!
The following are 5 questions gleaned from nearly 10 grueling hours of audio tape:

1. What is your favorite martial arts move and do you agree that Bruce Lee was a God?..
I'm not sure I have a favorite move in particular.The moves that I like best,and have used most often,are simple and very effective.On several occasions I've had to eject misbehavers from the bar;
1)slide your palm up the back of their neck,firm against their scalp,using the fingers to "comb"the hair.
2)Clench your fist,taking a handful of hair,and push the head up and forward(Try it on yourself..VERY painful).The offender will instinctively rise up on his tip toes,and can be easily led quickly out the door...A man goes where his head goes!..Hair too short?..No problem.Palms under the chin with your forearms using his shoulders as a fulcrum works just as well! It's important to note that this treatment does not result in any permanent damage to someone who's biggest mistake may have been to have a little too much to drink. ..Now to address Mr. Lee.
Bruce Lee was a fine athlete,and did much to further the martial arts around the world.Kung-Fu in particular.The truth is that the techniques he popularized in his films are,for the most part,useless in ACTUAL combat.For my money,Steven Seagall,while a terrible actor,provides a far more accurate representation of how genuine self-defense technique should be employed.(Damm..I'm gonna get letters!)..End of pontification.

2. Since you are good with your hands what could you make with a rubber band, empty soda bottle, a piece of chewed gum and a whistle?..
By an amazing coincidence,I have patented a device using precisely those elements!..The "Slingshot Model X-15 Didgeridoo!"..I've included this highly technical,schematic blueprint thingy by way of illustration.(click to enlarge);

..I'm having a little trouble finding investors...

3. Where should one send a question to be answered in the feature Ask Sling?..
Questions can be sent to:
My e-mail addy,(click on "free porn")
They must meet the following requirements;
  • They should be so monumentally ignorant,that even the Pope would reconsider his stand on birth control,and euthanasia.
  • The sender acknowledges that anything they say will be twisted to suit my own sociopathic agenda,and may result in the tearing of an entirely new asshole!

4. In what way is your life fuller and more in balance now compared to five years ago and what caused the change?..
Wow...Five years ago I was living in a halfway house,with 2 years left on my sentence.I worked as a dishwasher at a local steakhouse 20-30 hours a week for $5.25 an hour,and was subject to random(and by that I mean,ANY hour of ANY day!)urinalysis testing a minimum of twice a week.It was penance for crimes I had most assuredly committed.
Mea Culpa..
Today,I have a rewarding occupation,come and go as I please,and am surrounded by warm and caring friends and family.The change was effected by the realization that I had lost every single thing of value through the insidious greed that comes from selling narcotics to hopeless addicts.

5. How long have you sported the 'stache?..
I proudly sported a fine "peachfuzz" handle at 17.
I've only shaved it off once,when my daughter was an infant,in 1976.
Currently,my 'stache is 31 years old.

I am now required,by international law,to provide 5 questions to the first five people that ask to be interviewed.If you wish to participate,please make sure that I have your E-mail addy so that I may send you your questions.You,in turn,are to post your answers on your blog,and respond to 5 interviewees as well.

GREAT JOB Danielle!..That was fun! :)


At 5:44 AM , Blogger apositivepessimist said...

I always liked the reach over the head to the nostrils trick myself [with the added benefit of longer nails] but that only worked on the belligerent drunks that were shorter than me.

hmmm with the term didgeridoo I could in turn sell it to tourists hmmm.

my one arsehole keeps me busy enough dunno if I want two of them.

At 5:58 AM , Blogger Sling said...

apos-I taught the hair move to one of my coctail waitresses,who used it to 86 a "Feely" patron on one occasion.
My didgeridoo bears absolutely no resemblance to the real thing..THAT'S what makes it so revolutionary! :)

At 7:59 AM , Blogger the rube said...

most of the moves our sensai teaches us seem to be based on the premise that the nogoodnik attacker isn't going to fight back. has it been your experience that nogoodniks fight back when poked, kicked or bitten.

At 8:03 AM , Blogger Princess Banter said...

Hahahah that was ace! I especially loved the little blueprint you made. Surely you can auction it off on ebay... hopefully it'll get you enough for a cold beer ;)

At 9:49 AM , Blogger Danielle said...

Oh My God Sling
I love your answers. Steven Seagall however I can't stand his acting so much that his skills have been lost but the next time he comes on the tube I will watch just for you. I can't enlarge the invention but feel truly honored by the time you put into it. You've come a long way babe and I am proud. I know how that life is and how it affects everyone in the family and it is the hardest thing to free yourself from. You prove that you can clean yourself up and still be witty, charming and wicked awesome.
I just can't stop smiling.

At 10:24 AM , Blogger Natalie said...

Your mustache consistently makes my day

At 10:56 AM , Blogger Monica said...

love the 'stache, love the invention, and i'm scared to get in a fight with you lol. now we just have to call ron popeil so that he can make you an infomercial that we can all drunkenly watch and chuckle at.

At 2:30 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to be an investor in the Didger- Didd -- that thing.

I'm going to find a bunch of rubber bands now!

At 4:02 PM , Blogger rosemary said...

You are quite the MAN...honest, intelligent, recognized your short comings in the past, growing every day...and an inventor! I am honored to know you.

At 6:50 PM , Blogger Sling said...

The Rube-Your sensai is bringing you along in the art.It's a process of traning your body to react to different situations,and your body WILL remember.
..and it really has been my experience that nogoodnicks tend to fold immediately when confronted with the realization that they have mistaken a gentle demeanor for weakness...The look on their face is part of the fun! ;)

Princess Banter-"If you nail two things together,that have never been nailed together before,SOMEONE wil buy it!"..;)
Glad you got a grin..

danielle-Hey,The fun was all mine!:)
There is a movie called"The Warriors" about an NYC street gang trying to "Bop" their way home to Coney Island.
We used to screen it at the studio because the fight sequences are by far the best example of the practical application of martial arts.Thanks for the sentiments!

natalie-Well thank you sunshine..YOU just made my day!

monica-I pitched the idea to Ron.
He didn't like it,but I did end up purchasing 3 vegematics and a food dehydrator..

JP- COOL!...Send ALL the rubber bands you can lay your hands on(..and a small handling fee of $1,500)and I'll respond in some way...sooner or later...eventually.

Rosie-Shux Ma'am..:)

At 7:48 AM , Blogger Dan said...

Fess up! It was Danielle coaxing you with pie that finally pushed you over the edge. Right?

At 10:25 AM , Blogger Danielle said...

I love that movie Warriors!!!

At 12:58 PM , Blogger CS said...

#4 - That's a hell of a change. Good for you.

And my 13-year-old son has a fuzzy little mustache. It's cute.

If you haven't gotten your five, I'll take a crack at answering (email link on the blog). As long as they aren't martial arts questions about which I know nothing at all!

At 6:39 PM , Blogger Sling said...

DAN-Pie!!.. :)

danielle-THAT'S what I'm talkin' about right there!

CS-You might not want to let him hear you call his 'stache "cute"..Mature is good..Masculine is better..;)
I'm going to work on your questions.Danielle set a high standard that I hope I can come close to.

At 7:15 PM , Blogger Lorraine said...

After you get the patent on that digi thing, work out a way for my email messages to get to you. 'k?

At 7:46 PM , Blogger Sling said...

lorraine- k...I'm trying an e-mail experiment as we speak.

At 3:17 AM , Blogger HORIZON said...

Slingshot Model X-15 Didgeridoo!- love it!!! :)
l agree with Natalie by the way- that facial hair of yours is something to behold!

At 9:10 PM , Blogger CS said...

Not to worry - I just tell him how grown-up he looks, and how handsome. My answers will be up soon.

At 6:16 PM , Blogger Allan said...

Patent, man,Patent!

At 9:58 PM , Blogger Monica said...

did you interview 5 people? interview me!!! it's fun!

At 1:12 PM , Blogger Sanni said...

HA! I want one of those "Slingshot Model X-15 Didgeridoo" - too bad I´m a poor girl =D

At 9:31 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Sanni-Well hello!..
Sorry I didn't see you sooner.
Thanks so much for stopping in. :)

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