Monday, March 30, 2009

Wherein Sling gets Totally Pissed!!..and takes it out on the whole world..

Good news for snotty,self-righteous,whiny ass,holier-than-thou,disapproving faced,finger wagging,rude remarks within earshot,oblivious to their own shortcomings,focus the attention on other people because your own life is a facade of shallow pretension,Ooooh-look-it's-all-shiny!...assholes!

Clap your delicate little hands in glee,(being careful not to injure the hand you masturbate with),because as of Wednesday I,and a whole shitload of others will be giving up smoking..

The new law going into effect April 1st will finally make the price of my most horrific of simple pleasures too prohibitive for me to continue to enjoy.

In addition to a 62-cent-per-pack jump in the price of cigarettes, the law will increase the loose tobacco tax from $1.10 per pound to Holy Flyin' Shit! per pound.

I give up.
You win..

Now that I've gotten that little tirade off my chest,..I really do realize that,aside from the health benefits this will mean for myself,the additional taxes will be earmarked for Child Health Care considerations.
..These are good things!

Hmmmm..You know,..when I think about it,I kind of like the idea of all of us pitching in to make this planet a better place for everyone.
Let's brainstorm some other things we might do toward that end,shall we?

How about?..

  • A $6.27 per mile tax on any fossil fuel burning motor vehicle large enough to hold more than 2 people...(The planet has lungs too,you know!).
  • A $4.88 tax for using a credit/debit card for any purchase under $10.00...(The people standing in line behind you will benefit from not having to wait for you to swipe it 6 times,punch in your PIN#,and then try to figure out if you need cash back to purchase that gotta-have latte on the way home)..Speaking of.
  • A $5.35 per ingredient tax on anything you need in that cup of coffee,that isn't actually coffee...(Nobody gives a mad fuck how sophisticated you pretend to be,we just want to grab a cuppa joe,and get to work on time).
  • A $37.00 per minute surcharge on cell phone conversations in public..(I read that cell phones cause brain cancer,and that's bad for the little children..You DO care about the little children,..don't you?).
  • A $1,500.00 tax on the little children...(Two words..OctoMom).
The additional revenues generated by these small sacrifices will go toward helping the homeless,education,and the development of alternative energy sources.

Not only will these new,socially conscious efforts improve the quality of life for each and every living soul on the planet,but they have the added appeal of having absolutely no affect whatsoever on me.

Now,..aren't I all smug and shit.



At 2:05 PM , Blogger LostInColor said...

wow! are you sure you have the decimal in the right place?

At 2:41 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Lost-I got that $24.78 figure from a news article,but it doesn't seem right does it.
..I'll try to find another source.
I do know this!..The 3/4 ounce pouch of loose tobacco I bought yesterday cost $2.00..I talked to my guy this morning,and he told me it's going to go up to over $4.00.
In any case,I can no longer afford it.

At 2:42 PM , Blogger rosemary said...

I won't lecture...but good for you and no smoking...rosemary, the nurse.

As for your suggestions, had Arnie listened to you, that budget crap might not have happened. $24.78 REALLY?????

At 2:46 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Rosie- ..I can't yet find another figure on that...dammit.
I'll edit my post.

At 3:00 PM , Blogger sageweb said...

Years ago I stopped wearing underwear because of the cost..I guess it is almost not even close to the same thing as quitting cigs..I never got fact it feels pretty good to stop wearing panties...

At 3:06 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Sage- A panty tax!!..Yet another source of revenue I can lobby for that doesn't have anything to do with me..Good idea Sage! ;)

At 3:17 PM , Blogger jan said...

I hear that stopping smoking does wonders for the disposition. Can't wait for your post-Thursday diatribes.

At 3:24 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Jan- I'm gonna have to change my profile pic to one of me shoving a Blackberry up somebody's ass.

At 3:46 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for addressing the fury many of us are feeling over this issue.

(I was afraid to address it myself, becuase of, um, Rosemary.)

At 4:13 PM , Blogger Sling said...

JP- No problem...
Of course,none of our blogpals fall into the categories I listed in my first paragraph..Because I said so.

For the real hypocrites in the world,I offer up this challenge:

I'll lock myself in the garage,and chain smoke for 1 hour,..If they'll lock their self in the garage,and let their car engine idle for 1 hour.
..We'll see who drops dead first.

At 5:12 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm actually in favor of variants on most of the taxes you mention. You can't make it a 2-person limit on car-size because transporting more people makes sense. But you could have a size per occupant overage tax. And children, at least after the first one or two, should be taxed because they are tax burdens on the country. And only debit cards need PIN numbers - a quickly swiped credit card takes less time than someone rooting through their pocket or purse for the correct change. And loud cell phone conversations in public - gah! A triple tax if the goombah is driving and talking on their phone.

At 5:31 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Citizen- See!..We're working out the finer details of my tax proposal.
..I'm nothing if not flexible.

At 5:37 PM , Blogger booda baby said...

I'll get behind that surcharge for public cell phone use, I will, I will. My cigarettes went up from $4.30 (including tax) to $6.30 (including etc.) so I promptly changed places where I bought cigarettes. As of April 1, however, I'm deciding it's a good time to not need to smoke any more.

Which won't change anything about the cell phone users who freely pollute and STILL drive and talk.

I can't remember the last time I nearly ran someone over with my cigarette.

At 6:09 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Booda Babe- Simply put,rude is rude,and if it's likely to put other people at risk,then give it up.
I can understand the occasional call from the dairy department,..'Honey,I'm in the supermarket, you want me to pick up anything for dinner?'..
But do I really need to listen to some self-centered princess give a play by play of her bizarre sexual encounter from the night before,while sitting in a crowded restuarant?..(which I have!).
No..No more than I care to be struck down in the crosswalk by said terminally ignorant Paris Hilton wannabe..

At 6:55 PM , Blogger Lorraine said...

I think I'm glad I quit when I did. And my child isn't little anymore so I dodged that bullet. And she won't be able to afford to start smoking so that's a good thing. (hands Sling the brown liquor)

At 7:28 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Rainey- I've known what time it was for a while now,(time to QUIT)..but I couldn't pass up the opportunity for a good rant.
BUT!!..If they try to tax you for The Child retroactively,I'm chompin' at the bit for a good Constitutional brawl against it!
Cheers my friend! :)

At 7:47 PM , Blogger Random Thinker said...

How about a tax on foods with absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever? You could call it the "twinkie tax". They cause just as many health issues as cigarette smoking. Seems hypocritical to tax other so called vices and totally ignore one that is slowly turning us into a nation of sedentary lumps.

At 7:47 PM , Blogger Miss Healthypants said...

You are too funny! :)

And yes, Rosemary is right--

Sling minus smoking = good! :)

Also, I can't quite get with you on the froo froo coffee tax--I just REALLY love my Vanilla Latte skim with no whip! *grin* But I can also enjoy the crap from the Cappucino machine from 7-Eleven...

At 8:00 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Thinker- Twinkie Tax it is!!..Naturally,that excludes Gummy Bears.
..It's one of those legal semantic things.

Miss HP- 'Skim' isn't an additive,it's a minus..Same with 'no whip'..
You have thus earned enough froo-froo credits to add vanilla at no charge!! :)

At 4:41 AM , Blogger Willym said...

Okay you got my vote for Finance Minister for the world! Fine tune a few of those taxes and we're the fuck out of a recession - depression - big screw up, whatever you want to call it!

Good on the no-smoking, you'll feel better, things will taste again, smell again, you will collapse from sensory overload. Honest you will, I wouldn't lie to you! well I would but not about something like that.

At 6:24 AM , Blogger Sling said...

Willym- It's a real dillema..If I continue to smoke,then I'm a social pariah,but if I quit,then the children don't get the money for the health care they desperately need!..
Either way,I'm an asshole.

At 6:27 AM , Blogger Sling said...

..come to think of it,I think every one should START smoking!'s for the children you know.

At 8:05 AM , Blogger billy pilgrim said...

we buy our cigarettes from the indians. if you want liquor, smokes or firecrackers in canada, find an indian.

At 10:33 AM , Blogger Doralong said...

I damn near fell out in the floor when smokes went over 3.50 a couple of months ago- now with this new increase we're in the same boat my friend. Goddess help my loved ones during the withdrawal period- want to talk about truly ugly, even makes me shudder.

I'm with you on the cell phone tax all the way, but can we add an extra surcharge on those twits that walk around with the bluetooth headsets everywhere??? Only the fucking secret service needs to be that accessible.

At 2:13 PM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

oh that's funny!...when I quit smoking the cigarettes were .50 a pack..really...i not only think they should tax those buttroys talking on phones in public but should be able to bip them too...

At 2:37 PM , Blogger Mom said...

Excuse me while I try to remember my pin number so I can pay for my grande vanilla latte with an extra shot of expresso. I'll call the bank and have them verify the number. I'm sure you won't mind waiting while I make my call. Then i go out to my Hummer and run the air-conditioner while I drink it.
glad I'll be on the other side of the country while you withdraw from the nicotine.
I do love you Sling. Thanks for daily smile.

At 3:06 PM , Blogger Allan said...

Hhahaa! Tax the kids!

It's really loud here...can we tax decibels?

At 7:40 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Billy P.- Our Indians just have casinos.
But!..I'm pretty sure the guy I buy tobacco from is from India.

Doralong- Those bluetooth headsets are every where!..Maybe the Secret Service has lowered it's standards.

Yellerdawg- There should be at least 1 day a year set aside for cell phone bippage.
Like Halloween,..but no candy for them.

Mom- I think you owe enough taxes to bail out GM!
I love you too.

Allan- A decible tax is brilliant!
We could fund our entire space program on rap music alone!

At 1:48 AM , Blogger Middle Child said...

I have never ... cigarettes!!!ahem. But I knoe my dad rally enjoyed siotting out on the back steps as the stars came out after a brutally hard day at work...and rolling his smokes...he could do it all with one hand and one on the weel..whata guy.

Maye still enjoy...but if too expensive just enjoy less...or have it all on one day...but hey I forget...Don had the DT's from quitting. Only because he was sick. The girls would say as they arrived home from school...and how has he been today...whoa. I knwo the dangers of smokes and plonk but I cannot hack wowsers...they put shit fluorides in our water, deadly chemicals on our furniture,a nd in our foods...ahh..hope if you want you can still enjoy a few smokes when needed...could get hit by a mack truck instead.Hey

At 9:18 AM , Blogger Sling said...

Middle Child- there's a new little twist on the whole thing.
A group of smokers is protesting outside a public Library,because signs went up saying NO Smoking in the Library parking lot..Hey,..smokers are good enough to pay for every one's child healthcare,but not allowed to smoke outside public parking lots?..It isn't illegal,after all,and smokers have rights as taxpayers...No,..I won't be doing any protesting,but I think it may be a legitimate point.

At 4:04 PM , Blogger more cowbell said...

I have to say I'm supportive of the cig tax. But even though I'm a fairly rabid anti-smoker, I'd be equally willing to support higher taxes on alcohol, which I do consume. Also, I completely agree that we should pay more for gasoline. Everyone bitches and moans if it goes over $3, but in ohter places, it's much higher than that, and hello, people walk, bike, drive smaller, fuel efficient vehicles, or invest in quality public transit in those places. Americans started looking at those options last year when gas was up so high, but as soon as it dropped, folks went back to driving. We should tax the hell out of those bigass hummer-like cars, too.

I have no problem with taxing things that are harmful to society and that we have a CHOICE in using. I'd much rather see taxes on those things, with the taxes going to counteract the effect, like cig/alcohol/twinkie taxes benefitting kids' health care, or gas tax going toward public transit.

Not so sure I agree with taxes on kids, but I think I'd be supportive of tax incentives for childless people in overpopulated areas.

We also need to balance all that out by taxing the rich at a proportionate rate, and taxing the hell out of US businesses that move beyond our borders to get around their tax obligation and exploit the local population by paying them peanuts with no bennies.

At 5:25 PM , Blogger Sling said...

Cowbelle- Hell,..I don't even agree with taxes on kids,but as long as I was on a roll. ;)
I do take exception to being arbitrarily taxed because it's become acceptable to point at smokers and go 'EWWWW!'..
Nobody's got their house entirely in order.
They put the label of child health on the tax,and every one gets all teary eyed,..but they make no bones about the fact that it's an effort to get people to stop smoking.
Well,how does a tax designed to fund child healthcare work,if it only serves to generate LESS money?
..It's exactly the kind of hypocricy I'm talkin' about.


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