Thursday, April 16, 2009

Can we talk?..

I have organized my 18 hour work week thus;
On Monday and Wednesday I go to the shop,and put in 8 hours with The Partner traveling to the various complexes in the system,taking care of such routine and unexpected tasks as might arise.
On Thursday,I finish the remaining two hours working alone,performing scheduled maintenance at Winston Gardens,located about a mile from the homestead.
It's all quite unhurried.

I'm able to wake up a little bit later,and enjoy a couple of cups of coffee before I take the 10 minute bike ride to the complex.
The work is pleasant,and I can go about my business in quiet solitude.

I'd been there for about 20 minutes on this morning when,out of nowhere,it struck me.

You know,..that guttural,roiling sensation that begins in your bowels,and reaches all the way back to your,..let's just say that the laxative effects of fresh brewed java,combined with the brief,albeit brisk exercise of bicycling,had conspired to make themselves imminently apparent..

'Okay..Stop what your doing Sling'..,and make your way post-haste to the safety and convenience of the clubhouse restroom,some 200 yards on the whole other side of the quad.
I arrived none too soon let me tell you,and proceeded to hurry myself through the entry door.'s locked.

Let me rephrase that..
It's not just locked,.It's Fucking Locked!!,..and according to that huge 'Hours of Operation' sign that has,until this moment,escaped my attention,it will remain so for another hour-and-a-half!
It's wits-gathering time if ever there was.

'This is a simple physics problem involving the interaction of time and space',..I reason!
Let's see...No time..No space..Reason doesn't enter into the equation.
But wait!..
The Little League ballpark is three blocks down the street,and there's a public restroom!
I can make it!..'It's just a matter of mind over sphincter!'

I keep repeating that little mantra to myself as I race back to my bike,and begin pedaling my less-than-happy ass down the road to salvation.
(The logistics of riding a bicycle in my present physical condition,I will save for a future post...yer welcome).

I'm fully two blocks into this desperate mission, destination shining on the hill like Camelot,..when my bicycle chain chatters off the rear sprocket,leaving the pedals spinning fruitlessly beneath my feet.
Without skipping a beat!..I dismount,and with one foot on the pedal,back leg pumping furiously,begin power gliding scooter fashion the last block,straight up to the door of the men's room.

Now,..I don't know if the restrooms remain unlocked when there's not a ballgame in progress,and at this point,I don't give a damn.
Open or closed,..inside or outside,..I'm not leaving the playground in the same condition in which I arrived!
I dropped my bike unceremoniously at the door,and reached for the door handle..

..'This is pretty impressive'..I mused at my leisure.
Brilliant white porcelain,set against sky blue ceramic tiles.
The hand soap dispensers filled with refreshingly scented liquid,..and just look at the quality of the tissue!
..This may very well be the most beautiful public restroom I've ever seen.



At 2:31 PM , Blogger Willym said...

"A life crowded with incident" as Lady Bracknell once said! Had the same type of experience once on a car ride in the countryside in Egypt - sadly there was no brilliant white porcelian but there was a handy sand dune!

At 3:07 PM , Blogger Random Thinker said...

Does a municipal employee sh*t in the ballpark? Only if absolutely necessary.

At 3:18 PM , Blogger sageweb said...

Oh I feel your pain and excitement of seeing such heaven of a restroom. I am one that seems to get in that condition quite often.

At 4:00 PM , Blogger yellowdog granny said...

only you could make taking a shit, sound like a ballet.

At 4:15 PM , Blogger billy pilgrim said...

mind over sphincter, easier said than done for mere mortals.

good thing you've been trained in muscle memory!

for the next few months i'm going to try and work "mind over sphincter" into discussions with my boss.

At 6:16 PM , Blogger jan said...

This would make a good one-act play, but I'm waiting for the musical.

At 7:13 PM , Blogger Lorraine said...

Whew...what a relief...I was on the edge of my seat...

At 7:47 PM , Blogger booda baby said...

I can't decide if you wanted me to laugh this much or if I'm a rotten rat bastard.

Oh Sling, I had to tell A. the story which took twice as long because he kept guessing the next chapter (anext time he can just read it). He, who likes perucssion AND all things scatological, asked if it worked: Pump Clinch, pump clinch.

At 11:13 AM , Blogger Sling said...

Willym- A sand dune would have been no problem.
I was stuck in the middle of civilization. ;)

Thinker- My standards of behavior have always been pretty flexible.

Sage- For a moment,I thought I heard Angels singing!
Maybe I was just hallucinating..

Yellerdawg- I'm going to add that testimonial to my resume! :)

Billy P.- I find that corporate board meetings present many opportunities.

Jan- I'm trying to get Andrew Lloyd Webber to do the score.

Rainey- Oh..That was good, you did that! ;) :)

Booda Babe- You can tell A. that's EXACTLY how it worked!
You are not a rat bastard.
You are a Booda Babe,and therefore can do no wrong. :)

At 11:29 AM , Blogger Mom said...

You do describe the ordinary with such exquisite words. Only you make that incident into a good story.

At 3:36 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a funny post to come back, too. Glad the second door was unlocked!

At 3:46 PM , Blogger rosemary said...

My goodness....thank heavens for Little League and kids that have to go NOW.

At 6:46 PM , Blogger Miss Healthypants said...

'It's just a matter of mind over sphincter!' LOL! :)

This had me cracking up--I actually read half of it aloud to Iwanski--he personally laughed at the word "sprocket" for some reason. Apparently he likes that word. *grin*

This was just hilarious. :)

At 4:41 PM , Blogger Middle Child said...

Ahhhh! Did you check they had toilet paper first?Huh?

At 3:06 PM , Blogger Citymouse said...

LOL.. well said ... glad you made it otherwise it would have been an R rated read!

At 12:40 AM , Blogger more cowbell said...

Oh my. Well, I'm glad things were, ahem, rectified, in the end.


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