ASK SLING...

Dear Sling,
My boyfriend was out with his friends last night,so naturally I sent him text messages every 10 minutes.
He would text me back for the first hour,but then he just stopped.
I called every 5 minutes thereafter,and the phone would ring,but he didn't answer.
After a couple of hours,I tried calling every 3 minutes,but all I got was his voice mail...What should I do?

signed,
Hurt and Confused

Dear Obsessed raging Harpy from Hell,
HOLY FLYIN' CRAP ON A POPSICLE STICK!!
Man,..I can't wait 'till my 1600 hours of 'Community Service' is finished,so I can stop dealing with neurotic,self absorbed,twaddling morons like you!..You people are killing me dammitt!...Anyway,..I'm here to help,..so here is my advice;
Run the errant little vagrant down to yer local veterinarian and have one o' those 'Lo-Jack' deals implanted in his ass.That way,you'll always be able to stick yer head up his butt whenever you feel like it.In fact..You may as well have the poor bastard neutered while you're there,so you can keep his balls in a jar of formaldehyde on your nightstand,right next to that autographed photo of Anton LeVey...