To make a short story long..

Night before last,I committed that most infamous of technological faux pas.
I accidentally spilled a nearly full bottle of beer on my laptop!..

'VVZZZZTTTT!!'..

Everything slammed shut like a crack house after an undercover buy!..
Naturally,like most bloggers,I quickly threw up my hands and ran through the house screaming like a little girl,..'OH MY GOD!,.OH MY GOD!'
Then,..I snatched it up and held it upside down over the sink.

I'll bet I poured four ounces of beer out of the thing,(that's a bartender's estimate),and then I dried it off with a cotton dish towel.
I plugged it in,fired it up,..and the screen lit up!...And then froze.
Well hell..

So,..I took it apart,towel dried the hard drive and RAM chip,blew it out with one of those canned air thingys,..and let it sit over night to air dry.
The next morning I put the whole shebang back together,hit the power button,..when what to my wondering eyes should appear!?..

I've never been so happy to see this nag screen in my entire life!
I mean,..I have actual options!
..As opposed to fuck you,eat shit,..and die.

I opted to start Windows normally,and Old Faithful booted up without any further complaint.
This,I think,is a testament to the Hewlett-Packard HP Pavillion laptop I purchased over four years ago,and which continues to function beautifully,in spite of whatever maladroit misdemeanors I may be prone to commit.

Now,..before you all go yelling at me,..I want you to know I've learned a very important lesson.
From now on,I'll use a wide bottom beer mug while drinking at my computer.
..They're much harder to tip over.

You can't buy this in stores..

This is,by far, the easiest post I've ever done,..because I didn't have to bother with all the muss and fuss of having to be creative.
All I had to do was visit everyone on my blogroll,..copy,..and paste.
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Allan: "I sifted the rat poison out of your oatmeal", chimed Fancy as she held up my flour sifter," it's safe now!"..

Citymouse: Life is to short to be bitter or to hold in you feeling or to be unhappy. Could you imagine living ever day saying should have would have could have? I can't.

Lorraine: The first leg of the flight was already a success upon boarding. I was assigned a middle seat and was worried because I was one of the last to board. It was with great relief that I discovered myself seated between 2 women who were both contained within the province of their own seats, if you know what I mean.

JP: But mostly I think I just want to play with all the cool kids, because I've come to realize that's really what it was all about anyway. And as far as what I want to be when I grow up, I've also come to realize that not everybody was meant to be something. Some people were just meant not to grow up at all.
That's where I fit in.

Random Thinker: Robins are a reliable sign that spring is here. When the leaves turn colors and the geese fly south you know that it's fall. I hate to be the one to break it to MSN Money but there will be no unmistakable harbinger of our rebound.

Yellowdog Granny: Oh...and one bit of funny news...guess who got a jury summons? Yup me. I think that's hysterical..You know they must be at the bottom of the pile if all they could come up with is me..I hope it's something good..

Rosemary: ...OK, so my sense of humor is a bit odd.

Middle Child: I wish I had known about this when mum was alive and suffering. She was a lovely and funny mum and had more compassion in her little finger than many have in their whole body.

Monica: One kid was like "You talked about blah blip and blap but you left out anything about goo gob and boo."
"Yes" She stared.
He continued "So... did you want to say anything about it?"
"No, that's why I left it out.

Citizen of the world: Nothing like sitting outside with ice cream to make you feel like you are on the way to summer.

More Cowbell: Are we the only country in the world that doesn't recognize it as just football? OK, never mind, that's another rant. I'll call it soccer so everyone will know what the hell I'm talking about, and so I won't look like a pissy, purse-lipped grammar-control-freak pain in the ass. Even though I pretty much am.

Parenthetically Speaking: REMEMBER -- SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM.

Poodle and Dog Blog: Dog training, like human teaching, is an art. And like human teachers, dog trainers are different in their personalities and approaches. As long as there are good results, there are different ways to achieve them.

Booda Baby: And then the amazement happened. Friends - unreminded, uncoaxed,uninvited because it was, by design, just family - remembered me.

Pitted Windshields: HHM to CS:
Hi C how was your day?
Long pause....
CS: A kid threw up on me. Stomach flu going around dear.
End of conversation.

Tater: The theme for last month was definitely chocolate, and these campaigns were for two different companies. Style was not dictated by me, but rather by the art directors. Interesting to note the differences. The down shots are missing the copy in the left top third, which is why there is an apparent hole there. Twas intentional, so as not to interfere with their tag lines.

Doralong: Would that not tell you that you are beyond fucked up? But that’s just my opinion. Perhaps I’m being unduly harsh, I can be like that, I can be a judgmental bitch that way.

Mom: My daughter is out of town for a few days. I spent one night with her kids and helped with the carpooling for a day. These grandchildren of mine are wonderful, well behaved, delightful people. I cherish every minute with them. I am used to living with one quiet man. My daughter's household is full of people and wonderful chaos.

Speck: I had another very strange dream this morning that went on forever. Stay with me here. Get a cuppa Joe and get comfortable, this is gonna take a while.

Willym: Listening to her singing Vissi d'arte (I lived for art alone.) makes me think that if this was what a second string soprano sounded like then, how come we can't find a first string soprano that good today?

Sageweb: There must have been 60 secret service agents standing on the tarmac in their black suit waiting for Air Force One to land. It was in the 80’s yesterday so I am sure they were all sweaty and gross. If I were the president, I would have warm weather uniforms for the secret service. Tan pants and Hawaiian shirts, yes dorky but, comfy.

Billy Pilgrim: even with high expectations, i love you sons of bitches.

Lost in color: Life continues to be a challenge...

Danny: well, being mr. popular...like i am prone to be...yes, i know! i can hear your eyes rolling into the back of your heads...

Miss Healthypants: I HATE mashed potatoes. I can eat french fries and even baked potatoes (with the appropriate dousing of sour cream), but the mushy texture of mashed potatoes makes me want to vomit. And as a matter of fact, when I was very little and my Dad tried to make me eat mashed potatoes, that’s just what I did.

Evilganome: According to Bertha, aside from the Brown's there is also a branch of the family called Stewart. She of course claims these are the royal Stewart's. Other than the fact that Bonnie Prince Charlie was another hopeless and useless drunk, I have no reason to believe that this portion of the family was ever anything more than a group of drunken sheep thieves, who managed to get themselves deported to Canada by supporting Charles Stewart's claim, rather than actual descendants of the Stewart dynasty.

Mimi’s Pa: I have my own spin on a Larry King interview.
Larry King with Jesus as a guest.
"So Jesus. Welcome to the show".
"Thank you Larry. It's good to be here."
"So. I hear you used to be a carpenter. What was that like? Do you miss it?"..
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The whole thing took all of 15 minutes,and I got treated to more humor,insight,and pathos than a body has a right to expect from a year's subscription to,..well,..some kind of world renowned literary thing that world renowned literary types might subscribe to.
(Did I just end a sentence with a preposition?..Screw 'em)..

It's Wednesday,..and life is happy as a pig in poo in Sling's Domain.

..it's like finding money in the dryer.

So,..it turns out I'm a fully vested owner in the world's largest Insurance-slash-Investment Banking enterprise in the history of the planet!
This is monumental!.

I mean,I don't know jack-shit about the economic subtleties of running an entire monolithic,freakin' grab yer babies!, financial behemoth,..but by golly,I got's me a piece o' the rock!

You know what tripped me out the most?..
I had a TRILLION smacks layin' around for just such an occasion!

At first I thought,'Holy crap!..Let's do whatever it takes to rescue our economy from this,the most devastating market collapse since the Great Depression of last century!'

Then I thought,..'Wait a minute?..If I had this $1,000,000,000,000.00 gatherin' dust in the Congressional coffers all this time,why didn't I just use it to pay off about a BILLION home mortgages,provide health care to every citizen of the United States,and maybe cure Lupus or something'??

..and then I thought..
'Fuck it,..now that I'm a major player in the global financial arena,I shouldn't have any problems cashing my unemployment check'.

Drunken Blogging...Episode XIXth nervous breakdown: Arnie's New Years Resolutions

Beginning January 1st,2008,it will be illegal,and punishable by $100.00 fine to commit the following heinous acts of fuckery in the great state of Cal-I-For-Ni-A;

1) Smoking in an automobile with a minor child in the vehicle.

2) Using a cell phone,or any wireless device while driving..UNLESS!...it's a hands free device.

Plus!) If you are 16 or 17 years old,you may not use any wireless device while operating a motor vehicle,..hands free,or otherwise...

Here's the thing..(tip o' the lid to lorraine).

By my way of thinking,all this stuff strikes me as totally bitchen,(or beefin'...or groovy,or the cat's pajamas..what do I know?).

I mean,anyone with an ounce of social grace would have to agree that these directives only promote the responsible,and conscientious behavior of the public.

Trapping innocent children in a rolling nicotine chamber is just bad form.

Why not just drop a few canisters of Zyclon-B in their lunchbox,and send them tidily off to school?..

And lord knows I'm gonna feel a helluva lot safer riding my bike to and fro,without having to worry about some self absorbed twat on her cellphone,blathering endlessly to the person she just talked to 3 minutes before,or will talk to 3 minutes hence,running my ass down in the crosswalk when she should have been..I don't know,..PAYING ATTENTION TO DRIVING HER TWO TON FRIGGIN' VEHICLE ON CITY STREETS!!..where myself,sundry other pedestrians,and small animals like to traverse.

This is common sense people!!

...wait a minute?..

Common.Sense!..

Hey!..

Why,..we really don't need to waste time and taxpayer dollars passing ONE MORE FUCKING PIECE OF USELESS LEGISLATION RESTRICTING THE RIGHTS OF OUR CITIZENS!!..

..not to mention pulling the local constabulary away from their precious donuts,and regularly scheduled nooners to enforce these fascist "guidelines",when all it really takes is for everyone in this country to pull their heads out of their asses,and THINK FOR THEMSELVES FOR ONE GODDAMN INSTANT!!..

Did I mention that bicyclists will be required to have headlights while riding at night?..

..don't get me started.