Bite the Bullet..

My Media player won't play.

I put in the DVD,..in this case,Ghost rider,..and all it does is give me some lame screen that doesn't respond to anything I do.

CRAP!!..

You know what this means?..I'll tell ya what it means.

I have to format my friggin' hard drive!..That's what it means.

Seems like I have to do this at least once a year.

And it's not like I can just,..you know,..run the installation disk and be done with it..Oh no...

I have to reinstall all my pirated software,and that takes like 3 friggin' days because it has to be done in a certain order and then you have to reboot each time and download all the updates and remember which ones you can register and which ones you can't or they'll send the software police to your house and make a huge kerfuffle and the neighbors will all come out of their houses and whisper to each other,"I KNEW there was something going on at that house!",..and..

"Oh yes,..why,have you seen him riding his bike all over town in his holey jeans and DirecTV hat...very strange indeed!..

It just sucks...

Still,it's an opportunity to clean up several Gigglebites of garbage I've accumulated over the last year,and give my beloved laptop a crisp new look!..or a pathetic variation on the old look,which I had grown quite fond of,..thank you very much.

Oh!..and I got a raise!..so that's cool.

just checkin' in..

We just bought Gizmo a brand new,fresh out of the box and luxurious bed..So why is she so pissed?

That's nice..

..you know how you want to post something,but betweeen working,and sleeping,and eating,and watching TV,and feeding the cat,and going to the post office,and drinking several litres of cheap whiskey while watching internet porn,and maintaining the presses as you roll off reams of counterfeit hundred dollar bills,you just don't have all that much to blog about?
It's like that.

Edit: HEY!..I was checking my hits and ran across a website that linked to one of my posts.
Scroll down here ,to "Best of blogs"
They cite my post,"the next best thing to searing stomach cramps"...my 15 minutes. :)

Adventures in Babysitting..

I was 6,and my little brother Mark was 3,when my parents decided that my 12 year old sister was mature enough to babysit us while they enjoyed a long overdue night out for themselves.
I loved my sister,but I wasn't too sure about how this whole thing was gonna work out.The good news was that dad said we could stay up late to watch Red Skelton,which came on right after Huckelberry Hound.
Mom and dad got ready to go,while my sister got Mark ready for bed,and started making some rice Krispy treats for us to snack on while watching TV.
Mark was asleep,and night had begun to fall,when sometime during Huckelberry Hound,my sister thought she heard a strange noise.
"Probably just the wind",..she assured me...Only she didn't appear to be all that sure herself.This was her first time home alone with her little brothers after all.
Now,I don't know that I ever actually heard any thing,but I could see my sister making furtive glances toward the back of the house,and becoming more and more agitated,until sometime during Red's "Freddy the Freeloader" act,she anxiuosly grabbed me by the hand..
"There's somebody in the house!"..and we both ran hell-bent out the front door into the yard.
In those days,if Tony Perkins didn't come screeching into the shower to plunge a carving knife into your torso,then you still stood the very real chance of being spirited away by Caryl Chessman..In any case, clearly a homicidal maniac had found his way into our home,intent on the wholesale slaughter of whomever dwelt within, and...
"CRAP!"..."Mark's asleep in the bedroom!"..
"Wadda we do,wadda we do??".."Think,think,think!"..
"We can go around the side of the house to the bedroom window,and haul him out to safety!"...Brilliant!..Sis was on the job.
It's Summertime,so naturally the window is slightly open.(Apparently,our parents were not all that concerned about Tony,..or Caryl)
"Pssst...Mark..Mark..",my sister coaxed in a whisper,so that the intruder would not be alerted to our presence.."Wake up!"..
No response..
"Hand me some dirt clods from the planter"...And she began heaving chunks at the bed,in the hopes of rousing him to the alarm..."He's not moving"...
This calls for some drastic action,and my big sister is up to the challenge.
She grabs the water hose,unreels it to the window,and issues the command,"Turn it on!"..
She held the nozzle in a death grip,spraying the entire room as if she were the machine gunner in one of those Robert Mitchum flicks...
Mark.Doesn't.Budge.
There could only be one conclusion.
No doubt,the psycho,axe murdering,kidnapper had dispatched him while he slept.The hypnotic blip,blip,blip of water dripping from the ceiling sounded his death knell.
Now,and this made perfect sense at the time,my sister decided the best course of action would be to,"Wait on the front porch for mom and dad to come home,and explain to them how little Mark went and got himself murdered"..
Turns out that we hadn't waited too long,when a group of my sister's friends came along.
She told them about the noises,the dirt clods,the water hose,and how even now Mark lay in his bed hacked to bits,looking all the world like a muddy bowl of Shredded Wheat.
The boys in the group screwed up their courage and,(partly to impress my sister,partly 'cause they wanted to see the dead kid),burst into the house,down the hall,and back to the bedroom.
Little Mark was fast asleep,oblivious to all the drama due to some asthma medication I'm told.
"This is just too good to be true!..We can clean up this mess before.."
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??"...Dad.
"OH..MY..GOD!!"...Mom.
The boys beat a hasty retreat,Dad is yelling,Mom is having palpatations,my big sister is trying desperately to explain herself between sobs,and Mark is finally awake,soaking wet,and wailing in the middle of a bed full of dirt clods.
Me?..I'm keeping a low profile,..secure in the knowledge that none of this is my fault.

I was 6 years old..and life was good in Little Sling's Domain.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Those clever kids over at Here's the 80's not only accepted my tag challenge,they turned it into a wonderful Father's Day present!..Check it out. :)

Happy Father's Day to all that qualify,and Happy Uncle's Day to you JP!

Just when you thought it was safe...

There is a phenomenon that occurs in the blogosphere,that has been a source of constant amazement to me since I began putting my thoughts out into the ether,some 18 months ago.
People come back..On purpose!

*????*

Okay,I can understand hitting "next blog",and getting unceremoniously delivered to my little bastion of self-medicated pedantry,but the fact that readers will,on occasion,deliberately return to grace this effort with their own brand of humor,and humanity,is something that I never really expected...

Just thought it was about time I acknowledged Y'all,and offered a profound "Thank you!"

This was on my mind,because I continue to gain new friends through the inexplicable wonder that is blogging...
I told you that story,so I could tell you this one;

I've been tagged by a new blogpal,with the delightfully prurient moniker,(maybe it's just me,..what are the odds?),more cowbell,to list 8 interesting facts about myself...Lord he'p me...I love this stuff. :)...Let's start with a little name dropping shall we?

• I went to a continuation high school in the 10th grade.My biology teacher,Mr.Peterson,had some connections to the Northrop plant in So.Cal,and arranged for me,and 4 other students to meet with 3 honest to God astronauts!..Lovell,Haise,and Swigert,having recently returned from their harrowing misadventure on Apollo 13...I was so flustered that all I could think of asking was,"Were you scared?"..."Yes!" was their unified reply.


• I've posted about the delicious tuna sandwich that the charming Ms. Nan Graham made for me before,but I number that encounter among the more memorable moments in my life.


• In case you're ever tending bar at a popular mountain resort,remember that Frankie Avalon enjoys an extra shot of Bailey's Irish cream in his coffee,and the lovely Vickie Lawrence prefers an ice cold Budweiser,(would you like a glass with that Ms. Lawrence?".."No thanks,..it comes in one.")..just sayin'.

..Moving right along.

• All of my childhood memories are in black and white,and I never dreamed in color 'till I turned 30..I don't know why.


• I memorized all my "helping verbs"(is,am,are,was,were,be,being,been,has,have,had,do does,did,shall,will,should,would,may,might,must,can,could) just in case it was the Final Jeopardy answer.


• So far,it hasn't been,but I'm prepared none the less.
  
• The only thing I'm really afraid of,(besides those little Styrofoam "peanuts"),is Potato bugs..They look like people that died,went to Hell,and came back as insects...I just don't like it.
  
• I wish that I had told Jessie that I loved her..Every.Single.Day.

Follows the requisite rules:
1) Post the rules, then list 8 things about yourself.
2) At the end of the post, tag and link to 8 other people
3) Leave a comment at those sites, letting them know they've been tagged, and asking them to come read the post so they know what to do.

These rules seem a little ambiguous to me,so I will revise them.
1) Tag 3 people to use the phrase,"How was I supposed to know_______?",in their blogs...
2) Be creative,and have fun
3)Feel free to change the rules in any fashion you wish...This is America after all!
I'm tagging;
Here's the 80's..
Gina..and
danielle.

These are my work pants..

They were brand new two weeks ago.

It's not all glamour and excitement..

And to make matters worse,

it's HOT!..101 degrees and climbing here in O-Town.

So if I seem a little cranky,it's probably because the weather,and my pants,are conspiring to piss me off.

This is a nice blue Lobster..This makes me feel better.

And while I make it a policy never to eat anything blue,I would probably make a notable exception in this case.

..now I'm going to Wal-Mart to buy some new pants.

Now that's just spam...

I don't have anything to really write about,and I know if I don't post something everyone will just stop visiting,and go someplace else...It's a blog eat blog world after all.
Okay,..I don't actually believe that,but still,I figure as long as people are going out of their way to drop in,they should get to see some new words from time to time.
I love words.I love how they can inform,and inspire,and entertain.What I don't especially care for,is how some advertisers toss them about as if we were all lining up,anxious to try sticking our tongues on the frozen flagpole of their bullshit...
"Step right up ladies and gents!".."And send us your scrap gold!"..Have you seen this commercial?
My..Scrap..Gold.
Oh yeah!..I keep it in the kitchen drawer,along with my disposable gem stones,and those little widgity things that I save because they look like they belong to something important,but I don't know what.
"Wait one second there mister!".."How do I KNOW my scrap gold will arrive there safely?"
"Just call this number,and we'll even provide you with this "virtually indestructible" envelope!"..(I just invented using air quotes within actual quotes,.but I digress)..
So,..exactly how do you guys open this virtually indestructible envelope?..I mean,..Do you place it in the corporate cyclotron,and hurl plutonium atoms at it 'till it reaches critical mass,and bursts open in a blinding flash of light??..Or do you use,..I don't know,..A LETTER OPENER!!
I just don't think they've thought this through.
Still,even this assault on my wits is not as exasperating as those soft porn pitches for "Vasomine".
I know you've seen this one,and if you're like me,felt compelled to shower afterward.
Skinny blond chick,dripping sex,coos into the camera,"My man doesn't NEED a prescription,..He uses Vasomine!"..(cut to short,middle aged guy at the bar,about to get lucky)..
Now,this wonder of science Vasomine is a topical ointment.(or so I'm told..work with me here dammit!)..So here I am,applyin' this goo like there's no tomorrow,when it suddenly occurs to me,"Hey!..Not only do I not need a prescription skinny blond chick,..I don't even need YOU!".

I'll be here all week...

Psst...Paris...Check it out..

Bitch,you have the entirely wrong attitude about incarceration.I'm here to tell ya,..get to know it,..make it your friend!

Here's the thing..(a tip o' the lid to lorraine for the minor bit of plagiarism)..

Consider it an all expenses paid vacation at a spa...Seriously.

Imagine being served three wholesome and nutritious meals each day,(dehydrated scrambled eggs,bologna and cheese,mystery meat and gravy...YUMM!)brought to you at precisely the same time,and NO pesky silverware to wash afterward.The plastic spoons may simply be discarded after use.

NOW is the time to catch up on your reading hon.If I'm not mistaken,(what are the odds?).L.A. county jail has a wonderful library.You'll have 23 hours a day of uninterrupted time in your cell to enjoy all those Clancy novels you may have missed out on.I once did 10 days in county,and read a novel a day.It's true bliss!..

Two words...Baywatch!..It's on cable 24 hours a day!

On the men's side, there is no shortage of miscreants gathered around that massive 19 inch TV,hoisted 10 feet off the ground,anxiuosly awaiting the slip o' Pam's nip that is bound to happen as she runs in super slow motion across the beach in the opening credits..I'm guessin' there won't be any shortage of uber-butch podmates tuned in on the women's side as well.

.."And how about some board games?", you ask,in that pouty,breathless way you have..

DOMINOES!!...WooHoo!...There is simply nothing like the incessant SLAP!! of dominoes ringing endlessly throughout the pod to make you want to jab pencils straight through your eardrums..BONEYARD! Mutha' Fucka'!!...It's a gamer's dream come true.

And when it's time for lights out,you'll have your very own bull-dyke to tuck you in,and thoughtfully lock the door on her way out...

Shit..I envy you..THAT'S "Real Life"..

Miscellany..

My Grandaughters' daddy,Captain Howdee,E-mailed me these pix last night.
Speaking of,..I talked to my daughter and she said her recent sonogram appears to be a boy!
She'll know for sure on the 29th.

Tyler and Erin..



Below is my new official seal,courtesy of CS..
The motto is Latin for,"A bad habit of writing".
It will be prominently displayed on all the certificates,awards,and trophies that I'll be presenting myself in the future.

Check out the website for a little fun.


Ever have trouble trying to get an actual human on the phone when you have a problem?..Sure you have.
Next time try Gethuman.com..
I called (202)456-1414,and asked the nice lady if I could talk to Dubya...
She said "No"..


I had a great week,..it's Friday!..and life continues to be good in Sling's Domain.

There are four things which are a mystery to me..

..yea,even five.
The way of a serpent upon a rock,
the way of a ship upon the sea,
the way of an Eagle in the air,
the way of a man with a maid,
..and the way a chick can remove her bra without taking off her sweater..

"The time has come",the Walrus said..

.."to talk of many things".

Legendary disc jockey,and semi-professional hitch-hiker alan has tagged me to execute the following maneuver;

Rules Are:* Each blogger starts with eight - ten random facts/habits about themselves…* people who are tagged need to write posts in their own blog about the tag,and post these rules…* At the end of your post, you need to choose people to get tagged and list their names… *


This was a lot harder than I thought it was gonna be,since most of my exploits and foibles have been well documented in past posts.(p-p-past p-p-posts!..sorry,didn't mean to spit on the keyboard)..In any case,I'm gonna hunker down in an effort to 'blige my good buddy. :)

1. I was an avid body surfer as a youngster.Three times over the years I have been caught in rip-tides that very nearly drowned me.Each time I swam parallel to the beach,(a strategy you learn quickly,or not at all),until I was completely exhausted,and the ocean graciously spit me out on shore,cramped and puking up salt water,but alive none the less.


2. I'm a self-proclaimed expert on United States coinage.My grandmother gave me an Indian head penny when I was 8 years old,and I was hooked.Over the next 25 years I amassed a fine collection of U.S. coins dating back to colonial times.My prize piece was a 1787 Nova Constellatio Copper,which was struck from the copper bands that secured the barrels of gunpowder the French provided our forefathers during the Revolution.My entire collection was stolen during a break-in of my house,and I haven't collected coins since.



3. I bought my very first car,a 1956 Studebaker President,for $20.00.It had a push button transmission,a suicide knob on the steering wheel,and belched copious amounts of black smoke..I loved that car.


4. I never finished High School.I quit in the 11th grade,and got my G.E.D. while in the Army.


5. I never separate my laundry into whites and colors.Yeah,yeah...I know you're supposed to,but I don't feel like it.


6. My given name is a variation on the name of a brother that died before I was born.


7. My first wife and I lost our virginity to each other.


8. My favorite teacher,Mrs. Willoughby,was fired for advocating equal rights for Blacks in class.It was 1964.

The majority of my blog buddies have been tagged already.Except,I think...
Grish..
Barista Brat..and
Auld Hat..Have fun Kids!... ;)