Ask Sling..

Dear Sling,
I am a modern woman, teaching 5th grade in a lovely little,typically American small town.
Recently,I was exposed to an heinous act of sexual miconduct when one of my 10 year old MALE students brazenly,and without any provocation,asked me for a hug!...Well,..I was shocked and appalled!
I mean,It's not like it was a darling and thoughtful little girl that just wanted to show some affection for a beloved teacher,it was a BOY!!!..Do you see the difference??
I immediately informed my superiors,and they decided that this kind of uncontrollable male aggression should be immediately nipped,(if you'll pardon my French) in the bud.
The disgusting little pervert was summarily suspended from school for his overt act of masculine intimidation of a morally unblemished,unquestionably righteous woman.
My question is this.
Do you think that suspending the horrid little boy for having the depravity to place a female in such an obviously sexually compromising position is adequate punishment?..Or should we have had the nasty little bastard neutered,and placed on a regimen of DepoProvera for the rest of his life?

Signed;
Emasculate before it's too late!

Dear,
Perfect example of why the human race is destined to implode within the next two generations,and become a species of pussy whipped,ineffectual,and androgynous mutants.Descending inexorably into the quagmire of political correctness,until the planet is taken over by the dominant,and more suited to procreative endeavors species,...the Meal worm.

I'm here to help,so here is my advice...

Can I hump yer leg?

Rainbows and Unicorns..

...I'm barely 3 feet in the door to the shop yesterday,when Nicky perks up.(he hates being called "Nicky" so,quite naturally,it's the only thing I ever call him).

"Dude!..Dan tried to tell everyone what to do while you were gone but Mrs. K...."
I don't quite hear the rest 'cause I continued past him, walking into the shop.
I'm not being rude..Really.
Nicky talks non-stop,so he's grown accustomed to people going on about their business while he prattles on about the government,his mother,how the Maori's would have defeated Julius Caesar at Trafalgar if only they'd had more artillery,..shit like that...Nicky has lots to say.

WHOA!...23,24,...25 cabinets left undone!..And you know what?..

That's okay.
I'm mellow,and rested,and ready to jump in with both feet.Not to mention that clearly,they need me.

"Where's Sling?"..Mr. K comes booming in.
"Hey boss!..How ya doin' this morning?"
"Did you get any hugs yet?",he asks me,with that big ol' grin of his.
"Hell no!"
I swear to god the old man wraps his arms around me and just about squeezes the breath outta me.
"We missed you son!"...
"Yeah,yeah,..I missed you guys too".
"Stop by the office later,we have a check for you for 1 day"..

Now,as near as I can figure,they don't owe me a damm thing.

I got my vacation pay in full before I left,and I tell him as much.
Turns out,it was a "We know we left you up to yer ass in cabinets,and we appreciate how hard you work", kinda bonus..
Have I mentioned how much I love this job?..

It's Tuesday,and life continues to be good in Sling's Domain.

Oh,...you were gone?

Last month,I posted some pix of the homestead undergoing a much needed face lift.The weather had postponed completion for a bit,but during our absence the fellas were able to finish the job quite admirably!
This is how she looked when we arrived home.
Much of the work patching,caulking,and a buttload of re-wiring can't readily be seen,but is greatly appreciated.



Today is the last day of my vacation.Nine days off to travel and unwind has served to invigorate my spirits,and fine tune my attitude to the point where I'm actually looking forward to returning to work tomorrow.
Although,there is a touch of ambivalence.
We have a small crew,and I fully expect to find my self stacked to the rafters with cabinets in need of finishing...Punishment for abandoning them to selfishly cater to my own desires,..I suppose.
On the other hand,I may step into the shop and discover that everything has gone smoothly,and they were able to get along just fine without me...

That would totally suck.

Feeling a little small these days..

It's about an hour and a half trip from our base camp in Fort Bragg,(AKA..North O-Town),to the Redwoods.

Half of that time is spent winding up Hwy. 1 along the coast.

Poor Little Newt got carsick along the way,so when we stopped to let him out of the car to have his Yak attacks,I seized the opportunity to snag some seascapes..









Newt recovered nicely,(no more gameboy while driving!),and we troopered on..

..first things first upon entering the woods..You HAVE to do the requisite tourist shots..
Driving thru the drive-thru tree..This honey is 315 feet tall,and 2,400 years old!

...still alive and kickin'.





..standing in the hollow fallen log..



The one-log house.



..Bilbo wasn't home..



Then we head North,to the breathtaking 32 mile long,"Avenue of the Giants.

Okay,..here's the hard part.


How do you capture the utter magnificence of these ancient living giants with a crappy little digital camera?

You try a couple of shots using Little Newt for perspective... Assuming you can get the little scoundrel to stand still..









...or maybe a shot looking straight up!



None of these things can adequately represent the way that being there makes you FEEL.These wonderful trees have stood an average of 600 years,while we've gone about the business of ..well...whatever business it is that we pretend to be about.

OH!...And speaking of pretending..

There is a lovely and engaging tour group from Tokyo that will be going home, happily convinced that they've had their picture taken with:

Famous person Gene Shalit..or,





Famous person Amir Peretz....They just can't quite put their finger on it.. ;)

Along the way...

I've always thought the best part about reaching any destination,is the trip.
About an hour after hittin' the road in our poor-man's Lincoln,we stopped at an atmospheric Mom and Pop joint for some scrambled eggs and burnt toast.
The service was warm and hospitable,and the food was "just like mom used to make"...'nuff said.

..Somewhere in Lake county,Ca..
I needed a smoke,and Little newt needed to drain his lizzard,(HAHAHA!...sorry)
so we pulled into a rest area off Hwy 20W..

Traveler's Warning!...Do NOT turn yer back on these winged bastards!.. So we arrive at Fort Bragg.
Dude!..The low-end rooms at our hotel are undergoing "Maintenance",so we get the upgrade for the same price.
This is the modest "partial" ocean view from our balcony..

...a short walk down the beach at dusk.

Tomorrow,we'll head on into the forest.
Rest assured fellow travelers,there will be more attempts at practically amateur photos to follow..(Photos to follow??..fotos to follow..pix to peruse..snaps to synapse..)...CRAP!..There I go,..trying too hard.

****In other news****

I got the livin' shit smacked outta me over at Italk2much.com...

They had the unmitigated gall to actually give an honest review of my blog...BASTARDS!..
These guys would just as soon cut yer throat as peel an apple,..
They'd get a woman pregnant,just to kill a rabbit!..(a quality I admire in a first-date kind of situation.)..Still,..my delicate sensibilities may have been permanently damaged...
...I'll probably never get over it...
Check 'em out anyway.It's great fun!

Damm...That's a really BIG tree!..

I think that one of the most important goals one should have while on vacation,is to escape from the mundane,and refresh the spirit with something truly spectacular.

Since peering down into great chasms is out this year,the Lizzard King and I have decided to gaze up,into the majestic boughs of the planet's tallest trees.*
These are located,for our shopping convenience,a scenic three-hour drive from O-Town in the Redwood National Park.

I was there once as a teenager,but that was 40 years ago.(Holy crap!..forty years?..Even Moses would be like, "Are we THERE yet??")

Like most bloggers,I will be enthusiastically engaged in a couple of important pursuits;

• Documenting the entire trip by way of saccharine prose,and poorly executed photography..PLUS!


• Pretending to be some one famous that the other tourists can't quite put their finger on.

The latter is accomplished by taking turns standing in a crowd of awe-struck,camera laden Japanese,and having a confederate rush up and exclaim,"DUDE!...I'm your biggest fan!..can I have your autograph?"..

...but you guys already knew that.

This is always good for few grins,especially when they want to have their picture taken with you so they can go back home,and signify their great American experience before an admiring group of friends and relatives.
(I see this as my civic duty as an American citizen).



We were going to rent a Lincoln Continental to help solidify our celebrity status in the minds of our loyal,albeit slightly confused public,but it simply wasn't in the budget.

We opted instead to go with this little beauty!




No problem..Now,we'll just pretend to be famous people ACTING like regular people....Much more endearing..
Of course,we may have to adopt a poor child from Mendocino to keep up the facade...


..I just don't know.

*We're leaving early in the A.M,so the availability of wireless access will determine the frequency of posts for the next couple of days...or whatever.

Shall we be bringin' our own beer?...

..that was my best Irish brogue by the way.

Once a year,we all get to embrace our Irish heritage.
Oh sure,..my surname would make even the most guttural thick-necked Kraut wince,but not too far back,there was an auburn haired lass hailing from the Emerald Isle that caught the fancy of one of my Germanic forebears.(an ethnic mixture which has since been outlawed by most civilized nations,..but I digress).

In any case,I've always been drawn to traditional Irish music.
It's just like going home.
I want to wish everyone in Bloggertown a happy St. Patty's day,and offer up this William Coulter tune,(appropriately titled St.Patrick's day/over the moor to Maggie) for you enjoyment...May you be in Heaven,a half-hour 'fore the Devil knows you're dead!..

This is my OTHER plan...

You know that old saying,"The best laid plans of mice and men,ofttimes go straight down the shitter?"..Sure you do..This is especially relevant to me for a couple of reasons.Those are,in alphabetical order;

A) Mice have PLANS???...Okay,..that's just way too creepy for me to contemplate...and,

B)Due to circumstances beyond our control,and I hasten to add,totally NOT my fault,we won't be going to the Grand Canyon.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??..

Yes Virginia,there may very well be a Santa Claus,but a trip to the world's biggest crack ain't happenin'...But that's okay...Really.
There are several other things we tossed around,and there is still much fun to be had during our week long sabbatical.I'm pretty sure prodigious amounts of sloth and alcohol will be involved..And photographs.

As far as my lifelong quest to see the Grand Canyon goes,I've hit upon an alternate solution.

I'll simply wait..

Given the awesome power of the mighty Colorado River,and the relentless forces driving Continental drift,sooner or later the Grand Canyon will come to me!...I'm outta here.

EDIT:...and so it begins!

Here is wisdom...

Thanks Jackie Sue..I'm a sucker for this stuff.. ;)

The Huns are gonna invade Poland!..

Everyone at work was in a panic last week,due to the early arrival of daylight savings time.
"How will this affect my computer Sling?",they kept asking.(They also kept asking,"have you seen my wallet?"..but that's another story)..
This reminded me of the big "Millennium Scare" of last century.

• All the computers,in all the world,are gonna crash!


• Financial institutions worldwide are gonna collapse!


• Telecommunications won't be able to,you know,..telecommunicate!


• We're gonna elect a hillbilly psychopath President!..er...you get the idea..

The millennium came and went,and life continued pretty much the same.Although Microsoft,in an admirable display of predatory capitalism, made buttloads of easy money selling so-called "Fixes" to a vulnerable public....anywhiz..

I told 'em the same thing I told 'em last time.
"Computers only know what you tell them,and they think every thing you tell them is true"..Much like children,and several women I've dated.
Worst case scenario,you'll need to go into your control panel,and manually change the time.However,I suspected that the good folks hunkered down in the secret bunkers of "Internet Time Central"would handle the intricate task of re-adjusting our clocks for us.I imagine the conversation went something like this;
"Barb,don't forget to change the setting on the Universal Time Prognosticator before you go to lunch!"..
"Okay Steve"..

Clearly,this is what transpired,because I woke up this morning to find that my computer had successfully navigated the intricacies of "Spring Forward".

Tomorrow I will bask in the glory of,once again,being correct!

'Twas ever thus..

My computer keeps raggin' on me....

"Yer a lazy bum!"..

"You'll never amount to anything"..

"You never take me out anymore!"..

"Mother was right!..I should've married Tommy Kratzmar...Now there's a REAL blogger!"...

*******************************

JESUS!....Yak,yak,yak,....

It ain't easy comin' up with new and exciting stuff all the time ya know!

...and look at YOU..You've grown fat and lazy.When was the last time you cleaned yer hard drive??......bitch..

If you You decide to talk to me in a civilized fashion,you can find me in bloggertown,visiting my friends,or over at Here's the 80's....Gettin' hammered..

I got a letter from God today..

..so,quite naturally,I figured he was gonna call me on the carpet over that deal with the thing...you know.. I was pretty sure I covered ALL the bases,..still,you never know when "Mr. Omnipresent" is gonna stick his two-cents worth into the mix.
I mean,CRAP!..It's hard enough being good without some Supreme Being hangin' over your shoulder the whole time with that disapproving look on his face.
So I got my story straight,and opened the envelope.
Turns out,It was just some kind of spiritual chain letter...

...I hate wasting a perfectly good alibi..

I'm pretty sure Anna-Nichole had more fun this week than I did..

..what with her all-expense paid trip to the Bahamas and all..

I haven't posted for a few days because I've been in a rotten mood,and I don't like writing when I'm pissed off.

WTF???..

"Sling,..You post vitriolic,obscenity laced tirades all the time!"

I know,I know...But I do that for fun,and I'm always in fine fettle when I do.

There's probably some underlying sociopathic explanation for that,but I choose not to dwell on it too much.

"Pray,tell us why you've been so irritable!"

Damm...You guys talk funny,..but I'll answer none-the-less.

We have one guy at work that simply will NOT pull his weight in the shop. He does installs,which means he's riding around from place to place AND getting paid for it.(This could amount to as much as 4 hours a day).On an average day,he probably doesn't have to put in more than 5 hours of actual work.
Hey,that's cool...More power to him.But when he's back at the shop he's supposed to perform certain duties.Duties,which if left undone,fall to those of us that remain.
Instead,he'll walk back and forth empty handed,acting as if he's "getting ready" to go on the next install....Trust me,it's total bullshit.
Still,even that wouldn't necessarily bother me,except that I was asked to complete one of his tasks the other day because,"Frank doesn't have time"..

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

"If that lazy bastard would pick up a tool and actually use it,he might accidently get something done up in here!"...
No,I didn't say that,..but it did put me off my feed for the rest of the week.
I have been in such a crappy mood,I even went off on a guy in a wheelchair while waiting in line to cash my paycheck.
I was next in line,and when the Teller said "Next" he tried rollin' up in front of me..

"Excuse me,I was next in line"..says I,more than a little annoyed..
"Oh,yer running the show here?"..says him.
*????*
"HEY!..You can have my parking place buddy,but yer NOT getting my place in line!"
Yeah,..I'd pretty much had it with inconsiderate assholes inflicting petty impositions on my time..I'll try to feel bad about it later.

In any case,it's Saturday,my attitude has had time to readjust,and I'm in a terrific mood!

Hence the minor rant...See how it works? ;)