It's been 3 1/2 years since my un-carceration,and I knew this was bound to happen sooner or later.
This morning,while riding my bike to work,I was pulled over by a cop.
DAMM!..I hate it when this happens...It's just been my experience,that every time I talk to a cop,I go to jail.
At least that's how it was in Colorado.
My brothers and I would routinely be picked up in that "usual suspects" fashion,and end up spending a day or three locked down while the local constabulary sorted things out.We even kept Larry,"I'll get you out if it takes 20 years!
",the bail bondsman on retainer..
In any case,when I noticed the flashing lights reflecting off the pre-dawn sidewalk,I began preparing myself for the inevitable Danse Macabre
"Do you know why I pulled you over?"..
Why do they always ask that stupid question?..I mean,..do they expect me to say,"Is it about those blood curdling screams you heard emanating from the trunk of my car??..'Cause,..I can explain that!".
Personally,I really don't think it's my job to offer up a list of reasons why they should arrest me..I'm funny like that.
"Umm..No I don't officer".
Of course,I knew for an actual fact that I'd just breezed through that last stop sign like I owned the property..
"You just breezed through that last stop sign like you owned the property!"..
..damm..This guy's good.
Once they've correctly identified the nature of my misdemeanor,and I'm satisfied he really doesn't know about that thing I did that time,I try a different approach..
"Yes,..yes I did officer...I could see that there was no cross traffic for 37 miles in either direction,so I continued on...My bad".
"Can I see your ID please"..
Shit!..okay..In 3 1/2 years,I've never bothered to get a driver's license,or state ID...All that paperwork.
I've gotten along just fine with my Department of Corrections identification.
The country may be on yellow alert,but I've flown on planes,secured employment,and cashed my paychecks using only my,"This guy is a certified felon" picture ID.
Hey!..It never expires!..no shit.
So I hand it over to junior achiever,and start doin' the math in my head.
This is where he tells me to turn around,and put my hands behind my back.
I'll lock my bike up to that stop sign I just ran.
I'll get to County lock-up,and call work to explain how I don't feel very well today.
I keep a couple hundred in my wallet for just such an occasion,so I'll post my own bail,and be home in time for Regis and Kelly...
"Requesting wants and warrants on a Mr. Sling,Shot".
Do I have anything
in the Western Hemisphere I forgot about??..
Did I pay that $17.00 busted tail light fine back in '86??..
I'm pretty sure that check I kited at "Gary's house of leather" has been long since forgotten.
never skipped town in the middle of the night!..
**Crackle**..."be advised...Subject is clear
"Thank you Mr. Shot..Try to be a little more careful in the future"..
I was really lookin' forward to Regis and Kelly.
What happened to the leopard pic in my header??
..there's never a cop around when you need one.