I know I'm prone to hyperbole,but..

..there aren't enough adjectives to describe the Discovery Channel's 11 part series,Planet Earth.
I see those of you that have been watching it nodding your heads.
To those of you that may be unable to enjoy this amazing Sunday treat,..my condolences..
They have the most wonderful toys!
Cameras and equipment that have never been used before to capture rarely,and NEVER before seen footage of remote locations,and animal behaviors.
As an added bonus!..It's narrated by the sultry-voiced Ms. Sigourney Weaver...This is must-see TV!

What a wonderful world,eh Louis?

Dear Diary..

Today was pizza day at work!
On the last Friday of every month,the K's spring for pizza and sodas for the entire crew.We take an hour lunch,talk about where we stand with orders and installation dates,and generally have a pleasant break from our routine.Plus!..We get off work an hour early with pay,just 'cause! :)

My moustache has enjoyed some small notoriety of late,and consequently has demanded it's OWN blog!..I reminded it that,aside from that serendipitous incident on the bus to El Monte back in '87,it's exploits,while notable,have been largely repetitive.
It may look into exploring an empty slot over on "MySpace".

Morgan is officially housebroken!

We've had to keep him in the house so the pet nazi's don't spirit him away,and this is the third day in a row that I haven't come home to "The Chore"..He'll be getting an extra ration of scrambled eggs for his achievement.

It's Friday,and as you may have surmised,life is good in Sling's Domain..Peace out.

I can't take this browbeating!..

It's a little known fact that the lovely and charismatic Danielle is a relentless investigative journalist,that will stop at nothing to get the inside story.So after much begging and pleading on my part,she finally agreed to interview me!
The following are 5 questions gleaned from nearly 10 grueling hours of audio tape:

1. What is your favorite martial arts move and do you agree that Bruce Lee was a God?..
I'm not sure I have a favorite move in particular.The moves that I like best,and have used most often,are simple and very effective.On several occasions I've had to eject misbehavers from the bar;
1)slide your palm up the back of their neck,firm against their scalp,using the fingers to "comb"the hair.
2)Clench your fist,taking a handful of hair,and push the head up and forward(Try it on yourself..VERY painful).The offender will instinctively rise up on his tip toes,and can be easily led quickly out the door...A man goes where his head goes!..Hair too short?..No problem.Palms under the chin with your forearms using his shoulders as a fulcrum works just as well! It's important to note that this treatment does not result in any permanent damage to someone who's biggest mistake may have been to have a little too much to drink. ..Now to address Mr. Lee.
Bruce Lee was a fine athlete,and did much to further the martial arts around the world.Kung-Fu in particular.The truth is that the techniques he popularized in his films are,for the most part,useless in ACTUAL combat.For my money,Steven Seagall,while a terrible actor,provides a far more accurate representation of how genuine self-defense technique should be employed.(Damm..I'm gonna get letters!)..End of pontification.

2. Since you are good with your hands what could you make with a rubber band, empty soda bottle, a piece of chewed gum and a whistle?..
By an amazing coincidence,I have patented a device using precisely those elements!..The "Slingshot Model X-15 Didgeridoo!"..I've included this highly technical,schematic blueprint thingy by way of illustration.(click to enlarge);


..I'm having a little trouble finding investors...

3. Where should one send a question to be answered in the feature Ask Sling?..
Questions can be sent to:
My e-mail addy,(click on "free porn")
They must meet the following requirements;

• They should be so monumentally ignorant,that even the Pope would reconsider his stand on birth control,and euthanasia.
• The sender acknowledges that anything they say will be twisted to suit my own sociopathic agenda,and may result in the tearing of an entirely new asshole!

4. In what way is your life fuller and more in balance now compared to five years ago and what caused the change?..
Wow...Five years ago I was living in a halfway house,with 2 years left on my sentence.I worked as a dishwasher at a local steakhouse 20-30 hours a week for $5.25 an hour,and was subject to random(and by that I mean,ANY hour of ANY day!)urinalysis testing a minimum of twice a week.It was penance for crimes I had most assuredly committed.
Mea Culpa..
Today,I have a rewarding occupation,come and go as I please,and am surrounded by warm and caring friends and family.The change was effected by the realization that I had lost every single thing of value through the insidious greed that comes from selling narcotics to hopeless addicts.

5. How long have you sported the 'stache?..
I proudly sported a fine "peachfuzz" handle at 17.
I've only shaved it off once,when my daughter was an infant,in 1976.
Currently,my 'stache is 31 years old.

I am now required,by international law,to provide 5 questions to the first five people that ask to be interviewed.If you wish to participate,please make sure that I have your E-mail addy so that I may send you your questions.You,in turn,are to post your answers on your blog,and respond to 5 interviewees as well.

GREAT JOB Danielle!..That was fun! :)

Nerdful things..

Since arriving in O-town some 2 years ago next month,I've had this never ending battle with my wireless Internet connection.
At least once,if not several times a day,and ALWAYS in the middle of something important,I'll press enter and see the dreaded,.."Wireless network is NOT connected"..So I've grown accustomed to copying everything before hand in anticipation of getting 86'd.

I attribute this phenomenon to a couple of things;

• A wireless router that I got for $9.95 from the bargain bin at Home Depot,..and,



• The fact that there are a buttload of neighbors that may well be leaching off my unsecured network...check it out.

..this is but a hand full of wireless signals that criss-cross the airwaves intersecting my laptop.I'm pretty sure that all these signals clog up the blogosphere,resulting in a kind of Internet "short circuit",which causes my connection to throw up it's hands and say "Screw you!"..
Normally,In an effort to alleviate this log-jam,I simply run around the house waving my arms.This,I reasoned,will have the effect of properly stirring up the electromagnetic fields surrounding my location,and allow for the proper reception of my own network...done laughing yet?...Well it works!..Every time!..
Take THAT!,(Newton,Einstein,Hawking,...who-the-hell-ever..)

Still,this particular brand of cyber-calisthenics has grown tiresome.



So today I hauled my happy carcass down to "Trader Bill's discount electronics and delicatessen",and layed out a tidy sum of Shekels for this little marvel..


..After proper installation,I was less than thrilled to discover that, IT DOESN'T WORK!..So I did what I always do when confronted with annoying technical problems,..I told The Lizzard King,"Fix it".

A couple of phone calls later,and we're fat and happy,with a lightening fast,and thoroughly secure connection.
I even went across the street to the park and still had a solid signal! :)

It's Sunday!..and life is good in Sling's Domain.

When the going gets tough..

Like most bloggers,I spend my weekdays in the never ending pursuit of the almighty dollar,championing the causes of the rich and famous,and trying to overcome the incessant urge to touch myself..er,..anyway..
Comes the weekend,and all I really wanna do is relax in the company of friends..and get hammered.

Never more so,than after this week of utter fuckin' madness.

Consider this your invitation to celebrate friendship dear reader!

As long as you have taken the time to stop by this humble blog,Do yourself a favor and take a moment to bask in the warmth and camaraderie that is always being served up over at Here's the 80's.

During your visit,you are encouraged to;

a) Request a favorite 80's tune.

2) Drink like a cyber-fish!(cyber cocktails being amazingly low in calories!).

*)Leave incoherent and annoying comments,(just don't make JP cry..It ain't pretty,and we're not made of Bud Lights..).

:)-Have some fun,and maybe make some new friends..

If you don't hear from me this weekend,you can find me behind the bar,slingin' whiskey...

Don't forget to tip your bartender!..just sayin'.

I think,therefore,I am..confused

I decided to wait a bit for the recent tragedy at Virginia Tech to unfold before I commented on it,and I still can't adequately filter through all the ramifications.This thing that makes people want to act out their aggression,or retaliate for some perceived injustice by committing mass murder,has become so prevalent,that to express outrage has become redundant to me...and discouraging.
Discouraging because as sure as God made little green apples,some twisted individual is devising his strategy for claiming the title of "Most innocent people slaughtered in a single heinous act of fuckery" even as we speak..You know it's true...I just don't think it's gonna stop.

I mean,what can we REALLY do?

I'm a die hard Constitutionalist.DO NOT mess with my Bill of Rights.
Yet,even I am beginning to entertain thoughts about stricter gun control laws.
My good friend lorraine,who's moral compass has,from time to time,helped to guide me through the labyrinthine corridors of my own archaic beliefs has written a compelling post on the topic.

Still,just like her,I know that evil will contrive to do evil.

This makes me wonder if any effort along these lines would have any impact at all.

We could very well take all the guns,in all the world,beat them into plowshares,only to have a determined few shatter our humanity with little more than a hand full of box cutters...I swear,I just don't know what the hell to think any more,and I'm tired of it.

My prayers go out to the victims and their families of this most recent act of insanity...till next time.

Bric-A-Brac

My two oldest kids have a little more than usual in common these days.
In a lovely conversation with my daughter yesterday,she informed me that both herself,and my son's girlfriend are with child!
Yeppers,the Sling clan continues to flourish by leaps and bounds.
This time next year I will have 5 grand babies to keep track of.
I'm already blessed with 3 beautiful grand daughters,so I must confess that I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a little boy.Naturally,2 more healthy and happy little girls will be every bit as glorious!
Both the kids are celebrating birthdays this month.
JA turned 31 on Good Friday,and my son,MR,will be 26 on the 18th.

***In Other,Less Monumental News***

We got a brand new refrigerator!..(that's right kids,it's a slow news day)..
It's bigger,and delivers both cubed and crushed ice right through the door.Also comes with a cool little exterior night light to aid in those clandestine midnight munchie maneuvers.

***Yet Another Sunday Song About Going Home***

...Only this song makes me think,for many reasons,of the friends I've made right here in Bloggertown..You know,..in a totally macho sorta way

"Caledonia" Performed by the ever enchanting Lisa Kelly.

A rose,by any other name,would smell as sweet...

I've managed to elude the grim reaper for over half a century.
During that time,I have accumulated a variety of monikers,devised to define my character by it's least common denominator.
To wit;
1)Kike
2)Kraut
3)Bastard
4)Hebe
5)Asshole
6)Nazi
7)Chauvinist
8)Cracker
9)Hillbilly
10)Misogynist...
To name a few..Very few.
Add to these some various and sundry expletives,and you don't even begin to scratch the surface..
These things do not diminish me.
They are nothing more than the tools of the ignorant,used to build monuments to nothing...

This was on my mind.

Places to go..

**There is a scheduled outtage of blogger tonight.This is not to be confused with their random outtages...**

Not a whole lot going on in O-Town,so I thought I'd leave you with some toys to play with...

According to experts, my personality type is : Border Line Psycho Killer Other people like me display these traits. They are gas station attendents They work in fast food resturants They like jelly filled doughnuts They are good in bed Take the Ink Blot Personality Quiz at JokesUnlimited.com

..the "Border line" part is encouraging..

Probably why my website is blocked in China!

A head full o' fluff..

I took advantage of my bi-monthly,use-it-or-lose-it sick day,and called in to work with a mild case of 24 hour cholera this morning.
Just kidding,..about the cholera I mean.A simple message left on the answering machine is sufficient to secure an arbitrary day of malingering with no problem.

"They say that it's all happening at the zoo"..

According to Paul Simon anyway.
While I'm loathe to disagree with Mr.Simon about things in general,I have to take exception to this particular statement.Clearly,it's all happening on daytime television.
After wrangling a fresh pot o' coffee,I immersed myself in some morning drivel..

• "Wake up O-Town!"- Lithesome Ashley of the blonde persuasion gives an enlightening tour of a local pet boutique,where one can purchase matching "hoodies" for themselves,and their beloved Shit-Zoo.Morgan and I just laughed at the pretentiousness of some people,while we shared a bowl of scrambled eggs.


• "Today"- It's no secret that Meredith and I are destined to hook-up.Born on the same day,in the same year,it's an astrological imperative.Or whatever.She hammered Don Imus pretty good over his recent racist assholery.It was HOT!


• "Live! with Whatzis-name and Kelly"-..only today it was Pat Sajak and Kelly.Pat was demonstrating his new "Talking Pat Key Chain" when Kelly wondered aloud what Vanna's key chain said."I don't know,I never pressed her button!" Pat quipped..Hahahahaha!...guess you hadda be there.


• "The View"- Don't get yer panties all in a bunch!..I know Rosie is thoroughly boorish,but watching Barbara fidget nervously whenever Rosie begins to speak is entertainment enough.Plus!..sooner or later the conversation always turns to female orgasms.Trust me...Always.


• "Mr.Smith goes to Washington"- That's right kids!..The classic Jimmy Stewart portrayal of an honest,yet naive,newly elected Senator that takes on graft and corruption in the nation's capital,and kicks some Congressional ass with the help of a good woman,..just like real life...Shuddup!...could happen.

It's three o'clock,and I'm scheduled for a miraculous recovery in half an hour,so I'm outta here.

Jesu,Joy of Man's desiring

Hopefully,Everyone in Bloggertown is safe,and warm,and rejoicing in this glorious spring morning.Whether it is in observance of your faith,or the promise of renewal that comes with the Season.

As for me and mine,we do well. :)

Thanks for dropping by today,and if you like,I invite you to enjoy this classical masterpiece performed by Leo Kottke,and accept my sincere wishes for a Happy Holiday!

I'm mad at words..

I've been working on a little short story that I wanted to post for Easter,but It just ain't gonna happen.
I like the premise,and have the ending pretty well nailed,but there is one minor stumbling block that is giving me more than a little angst..

I suck at dialogue!!

If I could tell the story in the narrative,that would be wondermous.Unfortunately,the characters need to interact in order to move the story along,and that's where the whole thing goes to shit.

***Example***

"What's that?" she inquired,.inquiringly.
"Toe fungus!" he exclaimed.
"Oh"...

See what I mean!!

I think it has a lot to do with that fact that I'm just no good at small talk.
Usually,whenever someone attempts to engage me in a conversation that lasts more than a few sentences,my mind starts to move on to other things,and I tend to respond with one of those catch-all conversational bridges.
"Really?...you don't say"..Turns out,..They usually DO say.

In any case,I'll save what I've done so far in "Word",and hopefully present it in some kind of coherent form at a future date.

Still,it doesn't help my fragile ego that even Little Newt is a masterful conversationalist.
This morning,he was playing with a new toy that shoots little foam rubber "disks"..("disks".."masks".."desks"...words that defy proper pronunciation,I don't care who you are!)..Anyway,..he was trying to ask me,"Have you seen my diskesses,..discus,..dis,..that's a hard word!..I think I'll just call 'em CD's"...

Now THAT'S dialogue!

Sanjaya is the Anti-Christ..

For those of you that watch American Idol,You know what I'm sayin'.There really isn't anything extraordinary about this kid,but he continues to..well,..continue.
Always relegated to "the bottom three",yet somehow managing to get more votes than some truly talented people week after week.
So,either there is a ginormous contingent of gay East Indians conspiring to topple the American music industry,or he is the son of Satan...
For those of you that insist on claiming that you do not watch American Idol,..yeah,...right.

Morgan is barking at the front door even as we speak,and d'ya know why?..
Because he has learned how to jump the back fence,that's why..All week long the neighborhood rag'amuffins have been knocking at the front door...
"Hey Mister!..Your dog is loose!"..crap..And the 2 remaining puppies keep digging under the fence to run around after him while we're at work.
The neighbors have taken to putting them in the yard for us,but this can't last much longer.Pretty soon they'll get tired of it and just call the puppy nazis to come haul them off to Bergen-Belsen.

I'm already the guy that forgets to take his trash out to the curb on Thursday mornings and,...shit!!..

This is not a rant.

It's regular,everyday stuff that really doesn't amount to anything bloggable,but until something better comes along,this will have to do.

"Try and catch the wind"..Donovan

Curiouser & Curiouser..

Things that go "bump"..

I had an interesting nightmare last night.

I was driving along a dirt road in a motor home with my infant daughter in the back when,without warning,the vehicle dropped into a sinkhole,and I found myself in the basement of an old Victorian-style house.

My daughter was missing.

An unpleasant looking man approached me,and in a threatening manner asked if I had any "Technology".

I did have a cell phone,but I ignored him and began to search for my child.

The house went on forever,although I could only see a few feet in any direction as I searched..The sinister man following behind me.

At one point I came into a room where there were many people dancing naked,covered with tattoos,and possessed of various deformities.

I got the sense they were dancing for me.

Suddenly my phone rang,and the man came toward me ,glowering.

I was truly afraid.

Just as suddenly,I found myself in "town",telling the sheriff about my experience...

"The killer is Archie Cox",he said,...and I woke up.

Something wonderful..

After my last big rant,I thought it would be nice to share something heartwarming with all of my dear friends in Bloggertown.

A blessing on all your houses..