Long ago,..in a galaxy far,far away...

..it was this easy.
She would catch you,catch her,looking at you.
You'd smile.
She'd demure.
In my callous youth,I thought of it as 'closing the deal'.



Sometimes,it's like that.

Sharing the night

Yada Yada Wednesday..

Well we've gone from zero to sixty at work!..
Last week we brought back one of our installers,and Mr K. says we should be reinstating our spray guy,probably in the next couple of weeks.
Which is nice,because I've had to take on all the lacquering of the cabinets since the big layoff.

Ideally,I'd be able to show you these after they've been installed,along with their counter tops,and properly trimmed out.
Since I'm not going on the install,I had to take some quick pix before they were loaded on the trailer.
They're constructed of solid Maple,with Birch interiors.Except where there are glass doors,in which case 1/4" Maple veneers are used for the backs.

This is the Kitchen sink cabinet.I like the Rope accoutrements.This cabinet will house a double oven.The eyebrow arched top doors are reflecting the fluorescent shop lights.Every upper cabinet in the kitchen comes with glass doors at the top.
SWEET!
The drawer at the bottom is mounted on full-extension runners.

This is one half of the master bath vanity.Another cab with a bank of drawers connects at a 90 degree angle on the right side.The slab door on the left side opens to reveal...
..a pull-out rack for toiletries,at the request of the customer.
Again,in the master bath,this linen closet barely fits in the view finder at 103" tall!

A convenient laundry hamper occupies the lower third.



This is a nice touch.
All the cabinets will be trimmed out at the ceiling with roped crown moulding.
I really wish I could show you photos of the final job,..but ,alas..
Now,If you'd like to see some damm fine Maple cabinets in situ,check out the recent remodel my good friend Citizen of the world just had done!
She found a fantastic local cabinet maker,who clearly worked hard to make her vision,a reality...Know what I'm sayin' JP?



But enough about me.
Let's talk about Mom O' Lizzard King!
She's staying with us for a bit,and has brought with her a tantalizing taste of Spring.
The woman is an Orchid growing prodigy!
I present the following examples,sans captions.




I hope this post has found you and yours in the best of spirits,as for me,
Life is good in Sling's Domain!

Makes perfect sense to me..

**Warning**
..Much capitalization,and profanity ensues..

I had a whole other post lined up for today.
You know how you do.
And then I watched the local news.

I've ranted about this from time to time.
As a bike rider,It consistently boggles my mind that I have got to be on the defensive every second,while going to and fro about my business.
Is there something I'm missing?
I mean,you are in a two ton fuckin' ballistic projectile,and I'm all of a buck-sixty on an alluminum pedalbike.
Every week,I hear about yet another bike rider,wiped out by some driver that was just too preoccupied with their own SHIT-FUCK life,to take a moment to pull their head out of their ass.
Every.Mother.fucking.week.

**In Today's Fucking News**..I shit you not.



Okay...Well,it seems that this DISABLED FUCKING VETERAN!!..had the audacity to drive his wheelchair at night,without headlights!
Well there ya go.
How is anyone supposed to yak on their fucking cell phone,put on their make-up,play with their pussy,find their favorite song on their fucking CD,and avoid hazardous,wheelchair bound FUCKING DISABLED VETERANS,while they're drunk?
I just don't know.
The good news is!!..He didn't have long to live anyway.

BUT!!..Fear not.
Our local constabulary is on the job!



Oh,..I see.
According to this puke fucking,ignorant,I've got a badge and here is the official stance of dickless cocksuckers that can't get it up unless they have the smell of gun metal,and John Brown leather belts wafting about,look me dead in the face and expect me to buy this cretinous logic,blights on all that is decent,GO FUCK YERSELF,YOU PSYCHOTIC WASTE OF EJACULATE!...

It's a cross-WALK!..He should have been walking!
..He was 'riding'.
No mention of the fact that,apparently,someone else was FUCKING DRIVING! in the crosswalk at the same time.
Homeless recycling guy was clearly in violation of article 15 of the uniform code of ..umm..something,which states,..
'If we don't like it,you can't do it!'

Oh.
I wonder if Mr. dead in his tracks,DISABLED FUCKING VETERAN ever needed to cross the street in his wheelchair?
Well don't ya know,he should have been pushing it across the street!..
..It's the law.

Frankly..

My dear frind Monica has a new cousin!
Did I ever tell y'all how much I love babies?..
No matter.
They are simply God's promise that tomorrow will come,and hope,in the form of an infant,springs eternal.
I think the important thing to remember here,is how to appropriately nickname young Ms. Francis.
Of course,I have no say in the matter.
This is properly left to they that nurture..


No pressure.

In a totally unrelated fashion,I'd like to offer this Friday Video,brought to you by the guy who pioneered the electric guitar.

*EDIT*..I originally wrote that Chet invented the electric guitar.
This distinction properly belongs to Les Paul,and sundry others whose efforts have brought the instrument to it's present state.
Chet was known as 'Mr. Guitar'.
Oh,the things you can do with strings!



"Frankie and Johnny"

Stepford Dining...

We have a brand spankin' new Applebee's right here in O-Town!
I was kind of anxious to try it out,because I've never been to one(cave dweller that I am),and the commercials make it look pretty good...All that somethin' good in the neighborhood shmooze that makes you feel all warm and snuggly,like as if they are an old family friend welcoming you to break bread in their home.


It's corporate restuarant hell.


I know the routine because I tended bar at 'Carlos Murphy's' restuarant in Carlsbad,California.They have a formula,and regardless of your previous experience in the food and beverage industry,they're gonna enlighten you as to the proper demeanor for a representative of their establishment.

You see,37 myopic bean counters hunkered down with enough Tang and Balogna sandwiches to power through an entire afternoon of brainstorming,to come up with the most efficient version of customer service...They know what's best for us!

1) Staff the restuarant with beautiful people -
Apparently,Applebee's has determined that females should have raven-black hair,pulled back in a ponytail that is no longer than 6 inches.It's essential that they all be the same height,and build,so that you can't tell which waitress is yours as they walk in the opposite direction from your table.
Male employees are required to maintain one of those little fuzzy lower lip beard thingys,and and an,'I'm only doing this 'till my trust fund kicks in' attitude.


2)Greet the customer within 1.5 seconds after they walk in the door -
This usually involves 2 or more employees that swoop down on you like that scary Aunt with the hairy mole and painted on eyebrows,pinching your cheeks and spiriting you off to your,..'Table,..or Booth?' before your eyes have even adjusted to the dismal interior lighting.


3)Give the customer at least 30 minutes to peruse the 4 page menu,before offering them a beverage -
This also gives them time to look at all the cool local sports team's memorabilia you've got plastered in every available crevice because,hey!.,this establishment has been part of the community for 3 weeks now!..Love us some Chico State University Outlaws.


4)First things first..Ask the customer,..'So,are we celebrating a special occasion tonight?'
**Hint** DO NOT answer in the affirmative!..Great hordes of Applebee's clones will encircle your table,and burst into song,totally putting you off yer feed.
Although,I was briefly tempted to exclaim,'Why yes!..Today is the 3rd anniversary of my circumscision!'..
Come up with a little ditty for that!


5)You WILL,under penalty of termination for failure to comply with corporate policy,inform each customer of today's special! -
Nevermind if the haggard businessman has just arrived from a brutal day of negotiations at the office,plopped himself dejectedly in a seat at the bar,loosened his Pierre Cardin tie,and ordered,'A double Johnny Walker Black on the rocks'...You must grin like an idiot,and cheerfully suggest he try a banana/strawberry Marguerita with powdered sugar on the rim!'..
..just don't put one of those little umbrellas in it,unless you want it surgically removed from your ass.

I ordered the buffalo wings,crunchy shrimp,and key lime pie.
The portions were considerable,and the price was sensible.
Comes the check,and trust fund boy asks me,..'Will you be needing your change tonight?'..

Now,I'm a generous tipper.Really.
If I'm at your station,and all things bein' equal,you can generally figure on 30%..It's how I roll.
Still,I was struck by the impertinance,if not downright rudeness of that question!..I couldn't he'p it...
'Yeah,..as a matter of fact I will be needing my change!..Will you be needing your Spleen tonight?'

I don't think I'll be going back to Applebee's anytime soon.

Don't worry,..I'm keeping my day job.

I recieved my very first guitar on my 8th birthday.
It was an Harmony,F-hole,accoustic,(The very same style guitar John Denver started with,as a matter of useless trivia),and probably at least two-thirds as big as I was.
Along with the gift,came 10 free lessons!..
I learned to tune the beast,properly fret the strings,and even play,in single notes,my very first tune.
After that,it was every man for himself.
Here's that music,vastly changed over the years,and with all my mistakes preserved in one take!

Ask Sling

Dear Sling,

There is this girl in my neighborhood that I just can't stand.

People enjoy being around her,and that really pisses me off!

You see,I'm convinced that I am her superior in every way,and yet,with all my efforts,I can't get anyone to give a mad fuck about what I have to say!

Shouldn't everyone be dripping off my every word?

I mean,I took an intercourse in journalism in high school,and I have been known to turn the occasional phrase,so why is it that with my sterling attendance record at the Ronald Reagan school of Communications in Porksboro Illinois,nobody gives a rat's ass?

Even when I deign to drop my magnificent presence into bloggertown,I can't muster more than a disinterested,'Meh'...

Is it because I'm an insignificant,self-proclaimed-professional-semi-literate-wannabe?..

..or is it because I just suck?

Yours Truly,

Too Cool For You!..

Dear ankle biting,pathetically transparent,twinkie gulping,yappy little twat,...

..Yes!

Backpedalling...

It seems I have committed a most heinous social faux pas.
Oh,not as bad as Beyonce's unfortunate slight of Aretha,when she announced Tina Turner during the Grammy's as,'The Queen'..but still.

St. Valentine's day is on the morrow and even I,in my sublime singlehood,turn my thoughts to flights of romance...
What exactly is this romance thing,about which we make such a blushed and furious fuss?
Candy?,flowers?,great weights of precious gems to adorn our egos,and impress our neighbors with our newly glistening digits?..(baby toes notwithstanding)..

Well don't ya know,I think not.

I think that romance happens in the long run.In the myriad and marvelous sacrifices that pass unnoticed between lovers..You know,..people who love each other,in whatever fashion suits their spirit.

Bob and weave,tuck and roll,give and take.
And every so often,agree to disagree.
Sure and certain in the knowledge that you will love,and be loved in return.

Oh!..Back to my unfortunate slight.
The version of 'Come a little bit closer' I played yesterday,rightfully belongs to the amazing Mr. Marty Robbins..No doubt.
So,I went out and about in an effort to find his rendition of that song..No dice.

Then serendipity reared its romantic head.



El Paso..Marty Robbins.
That's some old school romance,right there!

Yada-Yada Tuesday

In spite of a monumental dirth of bloggable anecdotes,I figured I had better check in here and post something.
Mostly because If you don't make an appearance for a few days,your readers will raid the joint,creating huge amounts of mischief,and invariably,end up drinking all your beer!

Additionally,I have just been working my keister off in the shop,and find that by the time I get home,all I really wanna do is take a shower,and veg out.
We're currently working on the biggest job we've had since I joined the crew.
32 cabinets in all,about 20 of which are absolutely huge!

Hard Rock maple,with glass doors,rope braided mouldings,and other bells and whistles too numerous to mention.It's gonna be beautiful,so I'll probably end up posting pix in the next couple weeks...Oh,We just this very morning acquired 3 more homes from a local contractor,so the K's are bringing back one of the fellas that had been laid off a few weeks ago.A very good sign indeed!

See?..Yada-Yada,this n' that,
welcome home my dear friend Hat!
..sorry I drank all your beer while you were gone.

A little video to take us into the Valentine's day countdown.

Yada-Yada Tuesday

The soundtrack of my life

Long about the 6th grade,or maybe the 5th,..hey!..it was a long time ago okay!..stop brow beating me.
Anyhormones,one day in class,I was passed a note from the kid next to me,which came from the kid next to him,which came from the girl in front of her,(you know how it works),which read;

I like you.Do you like me?

And there was a 'Yes' and 'No' checkbox for my shopping convenience.
My very first love letter!
Which I suppose was really a 'like' letter,..but still.
Linda Brown,(I swear,that was her real name),was a skinny,brown haired,brown eyed student in my social studies class.
Quiet,and shy,and pretty as a speckled pup.
I was so young,and so busy trying to excel in class, that it hadn't yet occurred to me that girls,when all is said and done,can be quite pleasant.
Fascinating,even.
Today's Friday video was a toss up between 'Mrs. Brown you've got a lovely daughter',..and this one.



'I'm telling you now'
Freddy and the Dreamers

A parable..

Once there was a farmer,that awoke one morning to find his prize pig had been stolen!

This caused him some distress,because he knew it had to be someone that could come and go as he pleased,without causing any particular notice...Someone he knew,and trusted.

So,knowing this,he decided not to tell a single soul about the theft.

Several months passed,and one fine day,as he was leaning against the fence chatting with his neighbor,the neighbor inquired,"Hey,..did you ever find out who stole your prize pig?"..

"Not until just now",the farmer replied.

..Mystery solved.

Idol Whiplash..

I wait all week long for Tuesday night,and American Idol.
You just can't get enough of tone deaf,and vocally challenged wannabes debasing themselves on national television...It's almost as good as home made brownies.
Those of you that are regulars already know this.If you don't,then go back and read all of my posts from the very beginning...I'll wait.

What is taking so long??

Sorry,I'm a little perturbed because last night,after I got all snuggled in for some AI,and only 10 minutes into the debacle that lies at the heart of the auditions,I get this rude,"sorry for the inconvenience" disclaimer!

Are you kidding me??

Fortunately,as all of you regulars already know,and the slackers among you may only just now be coming aware of,I keep a bonafide DirectTV wizard in the very next room!..The Lizzard King.

The following is an actual transcript of the conversation that ensued;

Sling- Hey!..Lizzard King!..Come fix my TV!

LK- What the hell are you bitchin' about now?

Sling-(pointing to TV)..Fix it!

LK- Oh,..well they're probably just doing regular maintenance.

Sling- Maintenance??..What?..Are they like,changing the friggin' oil?..or rotating the goddamm tires?

LK- Yeah,Sling..As a matter of fact,that's exactly what they're doing.

Sling- Well,why can't they do this shit on friggin' Monday morning?..Why they gotta do it during American Idol?..Nobody gives a crap if they interrupt Regis and Kelly fer chrissake!

Condescending room mate- It's complicated Sling,..There are factors involved that you wouldn't understand...Satellites,and different colored wires and shit.

Cranky Old Bastard- This is TOTALLY unacceptable!..and I'm holding you personally responsible!..

Side-stepping tool of the establishment- ME??..What the hell am I supposed to do about it?

Cranky Old Bastard- Make me brownies,..dammitt!

Totally awesome brownie maker- What the fuck are you talkin' about?

Sling- Brownies,..you know,..like the ones you made last week.
Only without so many nuts..

My best friend- Fine.

Shamelessly manipulative cranky Old Bastard- Fine!..

Luckily for The Lizzard King,there's another episode on tonight,and I should be able to catch up with the all the disastrous melody mangling,Simon sniping,and Paula apologetics..
That is,unless DirecTV pulls another ill-timed,and so-called,"maintenance" fungle.Then there will be hell to pay!

..I'm thinkin' Peach Cobbler.


EDIT:...

I watch one football game all year long..

I'm not a big fan of watching sports on TV.
Wait!..I take that back.
I love watching the Olympics.
In particular,gymnastics,and women's figure skating.
And not just because,HELLO!..but I'm amazed at the things the human body is capable of doing.
Still,I've watched every Superbowl since there was no Roman Numeral at the end.
I think perhaps there are a lot of us out there,that would just as soon forego all the preliminary stuff,and tune in to what should be the two best teams,locked in mortal combat.
I don't follow any individual stats,or even have a favorite team.Usually I root for the team Lizzard King is pulling for,because,why not?

The only exception to this rule,is that I always want the Denver Broncos to get their asses handed to them on a steakhouse platter,no matter who they are playing against.
This goes back to my having performed slave labor at a popular restuarant,for a Raging Harpy of an owner that was a die-hard Broncos fan.
Every time they lost,she gained a new wrinkle on her,"Don't I look just marvelous for my age!" countenance...
..Bitch!

Once again,I digress.

The point is,(as if I actually had one),that I love a good game!
Yesterday,the prospects for a genuine battle seemed pretty slim.New England being heavily favored.
I would have enjoyed seeing New England retire the season undefeated...Really.
This is no small achievement,after all.

My best hope was that they would at least have to work for it.
Nobody likes watching a Superbowl game that is pretty much decided after the first quarter.
And so,I was also pleased when New York posted first on the scoreboard with a field goal,and not at all surprised when New England countered with a touchdown,and conversion.

Here's the good part!
It was friggin' tooth and claw after that! ..God help me,I love it so.
..and I found myself,somewhere along the third quarter,rooting for young Mr. Manning.I think in large part because they would flash to his brother Peyton,rooting for him in the luxury box.
I have brothers myself,who are total ne'er do well's by the way,so we have that tie that binds.

With 1:59 left in the game,and New England clearly headed for victory,I got to witness something truly amazing.
Spirit,and teamwork,and by god,"fuck-you-and-the-dog too!" effort snatched New York's victory from the jaws of defeat!

It reminded me of the way that prick John Elway performed for the Broncos..You know,..before he became a famous used car salesman...

Friday Drunken Video Blogging...

Inspired by The Hat's mad video skills,and booda's impeccable animation sequences,I've decided to try my own little venture into these mediums.
My goal was to tie all of these elements into our running,"Friday Music Video" theme.

Turns out,It really isn't as easy as I thought it would be.

There were some minor difficulties with nailing the exact camera angles I desired,and as far as animating my subject,well,..I have garnered some genuine appreciation for those directors who lament the pitfalls of working with animals.
Next time,I'm going to use children.