Blogonomics

As this graph clearly illustrates,..

I'm experiencing a shortage of blog material lately,so you know what that means?

Yep,..I'm forced to raise my prices,in an effort to make up for 1st quarter losses.

This promises to be a temporary condition however,until the long days of Summer bring a surplus of anecdotal adventures!

At which time I'll be forced to raise my prices yet again,to prevent flooding the market.

This should result in projected 3rd quarter posting stability!

Necessitating a very moderate price increase,in order to keep up with inflation.

I don't anticipate any subsequent price fluctuations.

..Until the holiday season,of course.

8 minutes on planet Earth

I wondered aloud in my last post,'..at the genius who decided 9 minutes was some kind of standard time increment for people to deal with first thing in the morning'..

I mean,what amount of snoozing can be effectively accomplished in 9 minutes?
It's a piddling,paltry time frame.
And that doesn't only apply to lying semi-conscious in my cozy bed,trying in vain to reinsert myself in the wondrous dream I had been engaged in,prior to my rude awakening.
9 minutes ain't shit,and I can't imagine anything of consequence that might transpire during so meager a measure.



Oh..Let me rethink that position.

Daily ritual..

Like most bloggers,I have a morning routine that I strictly adhere to.

My alarm clock is set precisely for 5:21 AM,so that I can hit the snooze button,and gain an additional 9 minutes in which to decide whether or not I want to call in sick for work...I almost never do.
And like most bloggers,I wonder at the genius who decided 9 minutes was some kind of standard time increment for people to deal with first thing in the morning...Asshole.
At 5:30 AM,I crawl out of bed,and like most bloggers,I boot up the computer,and tune the TV to the local news slash weather.
By this time I'm conscious enough to go into the kitchen,and nuke me a cup of coffee left over from the day before.
I'm sure most bloggers know that at this point,it's time to go out on the front porch,and enjoy a blissful morning cigarette.It's cool and crisp at this time of the day,and one can fully appreciate the sublime burning sensation of that initial drag.
Back in my room,I check my blog and e-mail,and marvel at the cheerful delivery of the talking heads while they apprise me of all the catastrophes that have occurred while I slept.No one can lighten up a tragic fire at the orphanage like young Ashlee of the blonde persuasion...I must have her.
Once I've finished my lukewarm coffee,and am satisfied that I'm fully updated on all the happenings around the great Town-of-O,like most bloggers,I spin a favorite 45 on the victrola,and dance around my room naked.



Now I'm ready to start the day.

'Twas the 18th of April..

You know how you go along from day to day and lose track of time and keep thinking it's like the very beginning of the month only you do that for like a couple weeks and so you forget to post about your son's 27th birthday on the actual date he was born so you pick a day when you don't have crap to blog about and try to redeem yourself with a picture and a heartfelt 'Happy Birthday Son!' even though he doesn't read your blog so it really doesn't make all that much difference?

It's like that.


I can't tell you how proud I am of this young man.
He's a fine craftsman,a skilled musician,father of my 3rd Grand daughter,and he makes me laugh,..all the time!

If only they had used their powers for good!..

Emboldened by the success of last Wednesday's Diet Coke and Mentos extravaganza,Nick and I decided to enlist the aid of our good friend Tyson,over at research and development.
I had noted that we needed a better Mentos delivery system and Tyson,after five days without sleep,reams of mathematical calculations,15 tuna sandwiches,and 7.6 gallons of 'Ice Blue' gatorade,emerged from his dimly lit cubicle with this marvel of ingenuity!

It's a Self-Contained,Ball and Cock,..(Oh jeez,..you people are incorrigible!)..Confection Retainer and Manual Excitation device!

(..ummm,..we'll decide on a more viable retail monicker at our next stockholder's meeting).
PLUS!.. he brought it in at slightly less than $183,000.00!

By an amazing coincidence,we had just enough cash left in the corporate coffers to purchase the requisite two-litre bottle of Diet Coke,and an entire pristine roll of Mentos (most refreshing) Mints,..except I ate one,so really it was very nearly an entire roll,..but still.



I'd like to acknowledge the invaluable help of Ms. Hat,who guided me through the intricate process of turning my crappy sideways videos 90 degrees to the right!..Thanks Sunshine. :)

We think we can bring the final offering price down to $19.95 (plus S&H),and are presently researching peripheral applications..

Squid Eye!!..

A couple weeks ago,I noted on my blog that we were doing a job for our local optometrist,Dr. Mengele.
We built a fine display case for his office,and are presently in the process of replacing his entire kitchen cabinetry,which was damaged in a small fire that erupted during a tragic fondue incident.

Part of the deal,was that he provide the employees of K's Kustom Kabs with whatever they needed in the way of corrective lenses.
Once again,the K's have gone out of their way to..well,..go out of their way.
So dont'cha know I had an appointment for my exam this very afternoon!

Now,I've worn glasses and contacts for most of my life,but this is the first time I've ever had to seriously 'recover' from the eye exam.
It started out normally enough,with the 'which is better,this or this',and the 'can you read this and that' line,but this soon escalated to the very latest in 'place your chin on the pad while I assault your optic nerve with assorted billion candle power' lights.
Holy crap.
Machines I'd never seen before!
He bragged that one of them had only been out for three months.
You place your entire face in this cone shaped contraption,and blazing red flashbulbs burst at various intervals.I forget what he said this is designed to diagnose..I think maybe that part of my memory was fused shut during the procedure.
Did I mention that this whole time my eyes are dilated from those sinister drops?..Yeah.
So,just about the time I figure the fireworks display in my skull has finished,he tells me,'I want to dilate your eyes again,so I can examine the back of your eyeballs'..
'Well okay,..you're the doctor'.
Once my pupils had opened up to the point where I could count the number of photons passing through them,he breaks out 'The Supernova 5000!' penlight he keeps squirreled away in a small,lead lined box..

'Look up and to the left'.
'Look straight up'.
'Look up and to the right'.
'Look to the right'.
'Look down and to the right'.
'Look straight down'.
'Look down and to the left'.
'Look to the left'..
'Okay,..now the right eye'.

Fuck.Me.Runnin'.

I started this post on Friday,and couldn't focus on the screen long enough to finish.
It's now Saturday morning,and my eyes feel like they've been scrubbed with a wire brush.
I'm sure this is all state of the art in optometric science,but DAMM!
..at least I didn't have to pay for it.

I'm blind!!

..but i should get over it in a few hours.

Crappy sideways video Wednesday..

I keep forgetting that when I turn my camera sideways in video mode,the end result is less than sterling.
But!..The important thing to remember here,is that my buddy Nick and I will go to great lengths in order to bring you the latest in scientific whateveritis.
In this case,we decided to re-enact the classic,'Diet Coke and Mentos' experiment,which gave Albert Einstien his insight into special relativity,and eventually led to the developement of microwave popcorn.



..I think we need a better delivery system.

Subsequent to this major success,we've decided to fill a 50 gallon drum with Diet Coke,throw Copper,our shop dog,into it,and add a full pound of Mentos,(quite the refreshing mint,as a matter of little interest to just about everyone),just to see how high we can bubble him up!..Should be fun.

Around O-Town

North of O-Town,and clearly visible from practically everywhere,lies the majestic Table Mountain.
We would quite naturally call it a 'Mesa' in Colorado,but the wiley residents of our little hamlet have done the difficult job of translation for us.
I've been here in the North State for three years,and not once have I ventured atop it's lofty heights!..Yeah that was a Colorado kid's version of elitist (very popular word these days) sarcasm,and it ends there.
Because,It's a very lovely place.

I mean,..how often do you get to see an actual covered bridge on a casual Sunday in Spring?
..Actual 'Sunday in Spring covered bridge' trusses!..I have a thing for geometric shapes,and gain some small amount of satisfaction out of saying the word, 'hypotenuse'.
This is as high as you can get on Table Mountain,without a note from Edmund Hillary!
Crap..I promised no more sarcasm...sorry.
This is,in fact,a charming meadow on private property that belongs to a very kind gentleman,who encourages people to stop in and enjoy the vista! (that's 'view' to the uninitiated).

..Looking down on O-Town.
This was taken over a canyon that is a very respectable 300-400 feet deep.
I've tried on many occasions to capture a decent photo of the Turkey Vultures that soar above O-town...You just can't do it.
These magnificent birds,without so much as a single wing beat,will glide in and out of range before you can gather enough wits to raise your camera.

We were just a week or so early for the burst of wildflowers that Table Mountain is noted for,but I did manage to catch some few patches.of blue,..
and gold.

My amateur geologist impression is that Table Mountain is what's left of some long ago volcanic activity.
It's rocky,and porous,and populated with only the hardiest of flora and fauna.

We take our respite where we can.

I hope this post has found you and your's in the best of health and spirits!
As for me,..life is 637 feet above sea level in Sling's domain.

Hippie Music..

Let us hearken back to an earlier time.
A time when 'lids' were ten bucks,blotter acid bore the familiar image of R.Crumb's 'Mr. Natural',and anti-war posters fluoresced brilliantly under the ultra-violet glow of the black light.
It was a turbulent time of social upheaval,wrapped in a kinder,and gentler awareness.
..don't interrupt me!..I'm on a roll.

It was our nation's puberty.
That awkward stage between the blush of innocence,and the raging hormones that drive us,hell-bent for leather,to rebel against our elders.

Bell bottoms and halter tops.
Granny glasses and huaraches.
Communes on the left.
Watergate on the right.
The totally clueless,stuck in the middle class.

Okay,..that's all I can really remember.
Here's a song.



'Poems,and Prayers,and Promises'

OH!..and here's a drink recipe!

***Peyote Tea***

Take all the Peyote buttons you can lay your hands on,and remove the yellow fuzzy stuff in the middle...I'm told it's bad for you.
You can eat them at this point if you like,but they taste exactly like vomit!
So,you put them in a pot of water,and add;
Peeled oranges,lemons,limes,and pineapple.
Boil this mixture for at least 15 minutes.
When it's ready to drink,it should taste exactly like vomit,..mixed with oranges,lemons,limes,and pineapple.

Look at the pretty lights.
Get naked.
Make love!..not war.

I'm not sure how I feel about my ambiguity..

In the past couple of weeks,there have been two tragic instances locally,of children that managed to get their hands on guns that were kept in the home.
In one case,a ten year old boy accidentally killed his best friend with a shotgun, and in the other,a toddler was playing with her father's pistol.
..yeah.

This isn't going to be a rant about TERMINALLY IGNORANT FUCKTARDS THAT DON'T HAVE THE COMMON SENSE GOD GAVE A PISS-ANT!,and think that it's acceptable to LEAVE LOADED WEAPONS WITHIN EASY REACH OF A THREE YEAR OLD!..YOU INCREDIBLE SACK OF SHIT!..
I promise.

No,this is more about my own personal struggle.
My natural instinct to leap to the defense of our right to keep and bear arms,in the face of this particular kind of tragedy.

I know intellectually,that the right to bear arms really wasn't put there to protect us against random acts of fuckery,perpetrated by the occasional sociopath.
It was put there specifically to protect us against the deliberate,and systematic abuses of a government that might very well come under control of they that would be kings.

Revolution,in such a scenario,is a moral imperative that our founding fathers recognized might surely become necessary in our continuing battle to let loose the bonds of tyranny.
A noble purpose indeed!

..but our children are dying,and I don't know what to do.

Then I thought,'Well,guns are a fact of life in this country..A sound pre-emptive measure might be to instruct our school children in firearm safety!'

Then I heard a voice.
No,not the one where Allison Janney is imploring me to come home,if not for her,then for the sake of the kids,but the voice of the multitude of citizens appalled at the idea of weapons training being part of their beloved child's elementary curriculum.
'If it only saves one child's life!'..I might argue.
..Until some hormonal teenager decides to apply his new found expertise in a crowded school cafeteria.

You can see my dilemma.

Should I continue,as always,to support and defend the Constitution of the United States?
Should I lobby for the removal of just one of our guaranteed liberties??
Should I give Allison another chance???
..I just don't know.

Bi-Centennial baby..

When you were small,

Oh,three feet tall,

cotton dress a checkered blue.

You'd greet all and sundry passers by,with toothy grin,and sparkling eye.

They'd ask,'Who's little girl are you?'

Your jacks and jumprope,

off to play,

'My daddy's little girl' you'd say.

Proud daughter of my youth.

Kind strangers know,a child's heart grows,love guided,pledged to truth.

Late one night,I was awakened by my wife.

'Sling!'

'Huh...Wha'?'

'I went to the bathroom,..and I can't stop peeing!'..

No sooner had she said that,than I felt the gush of fluid against my skin.

Yep,her water broke...(aren't you glad I shared that?)

Anywhiz,some 30-odd hours later,on April 6th,1976,she presented me with a lovely daughter!

Well I talked to Miss Thang yesterday,and it seems her significant other got her a brand spankin' new laptop for her birthday.

YES!..

Finally we can IM on webcam,E-mail,and exchange pix with each other like as if this were indeed the 21st century!..

I'm so happy,I think my water may break..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!

OOhhh!...pretty..

Who doesn't enjoy beautiful things?
I think about that,and then I think about why we even have a perception of it.
I mean,all things being equal in a world that holds a preference for the survival of the fittest,it would make much more sense to just concentrate on the fundamental concerns of simply staying alive,and propagating the species.
Birds do it.
Bees do it.
Birds and bees and flowers and trees.
..and then I think about that,and it's beautiful.

There is symmetry there,in the finely tuned balance that ties even the lesser of God's creatures,to the infinite expanse of the universe.

But still,why should I even stop to consider this?
It doesn't put food on the table.It won't guaranty my offspring will make it through the Winter.In point of fact,what with the hostile nature of,..well,..everything,taking even the briefest moment to stop and smell the roses is almost certainly a fool's mission.

'Here lies Sling.
He dropped his guard for an instant,
..and got hit by a bus'.

But that's okay.
Living by bread alone,isn't really living.

Why I'm not posting today..

From time to time,we get a job where we have all of the specifications,layout,choice of hardwood,and extras,minus one small detail.
What the hell color is it??
The customer hasn't decided yet.
These are my least favorite,because I can't move the product into the lacquer room until it has been stained.
So,I end up stockpiling unfinished cabinets...Plus!..When we finally do get a color choice,I have to stain the entire job at once.
It's been well documented how much I dislike staining,let alone having to do upwards of 25 cabinets without a break.
Anypainintheass,
this morning I got the word on the color for just such a job!..No color.
Yep,I've had these suckers sittin' around for 2 weeks,only to find out they just want clear lacquer.
Woo Hoo!...and crap.
My back is happy that I don't have to scrub nasty ass stain off of 4 rooms worth of cabinetry,but at the same time,now I have to seal and lacquer all these puppies one after another.
We're talkin' an all day job.
For 8 friggin' hours I had to wear the freakish gear pictured above,and shuttle cabinets in and out of the lacquer room until they were all slick and shiny..
It's noisy (exhaust fans) and wearisome when you have to go non-stop.
All I really wanna do is shower,have some chow and a beverage or 6,and veg out.
That's why I'm not posting today!..

Maybe tomorrow.