We have a brand spankin' new Applebee's right here in O-Town!
I was kind of anxious to try it out,because I've never been to one(cave dweller that I am),and the commercials make it look pretty good...All that somethin' good in the neighborhood shmooze that makes you feel all warm and snuggly,like as if they are an old family friend welcoming you to break bread in their home.
It's corporate restuarant hell.
I know the routine because I tended bar at 'Carlos Murphy's' restuarant in Carlsbad,California.They have a formula,and regardless of your previous experience in the food and beverage industry,they're gonna enlighten you as to the proper demeanor for a representative of their establishment.
You see,37 myopic bean counters hunkered down with enough Tang and Balogna sandwiches to power through an entire afternoon of brainstorming,to come up with the most efficient version of customer service...They know what's best for us!
1) Staff the restuarant with beautiful people -
Apparently,Applebee's has determined that females should have raven-black hair,pulled back in a ponytail that is no longer than 6 inches.It's essential that they all be the same height,and build,so that you can't tell which waitress is yours as they walk in the opposite direction from your table.
Male employees are required to maintain one of those little fuzzy lower lip beard thingys,and and an,'I'm only doing this 'till my trust fund kicks in' attitude.
2)Greet the customer within 1.5 seconds after they walk in the door -
This usually involves 2 or more employees that swoop down on you like that scary Aunt with the hairy mole and painted on eyebrows,pinching your cheeks and spiriting you off to your,..'Table,..or Booth?' before your eyes have even adjusted to the dismal interior lighting.
3)Give the customer at least
30 minutes to peruse the 4 page menu,before offering them a beverage -
This also gives them time to look at all the cool local sports team's memorabilia you've got plastered in every available crevice because,hey!.,this establishment has been part of the community for 3 weeks now!..Love us some Chico State University Outlaws.
4)First things first..Ask the customer,..'So,are we
celebrating a special occasion tonight?'
**Hint** DO NOT answer in the affirmative!..Great hordes of Applebee's clones will encircle your table,and burst into song,totally putting you off yer feed.
Although,I was briefly tempted to exclaim,'Why yes!..Today is the 3rd anniversary of my circumscision!'..
Come up with a little ditty for that!
,under penalty of termination for failure to comply with corporate policy,inform each customer of today's special! -
Nevermind if the haggard businessman has just arrived from a brutal day of negotiations at the office,plopped himself dejectedly in a seat at the bar,loosened his Pierre Cardin tie,and ordered,'A double Johnny Walker Black on the rocks'...You must grin like an idiot,and cheerfully suggest he try a banana/strawberry Marguerita with powdered sugar on the rim!'..
..just don't put one of those little umbrellas in it,unless you want it surgically removed from your ass.
I ordered the buffalo wings,crunchy shrimp,and key lime pie.
The portions were considerable,and the price was sensible.
Comes the check,and trust fund boy asks me,..'Will you be needing your change tonight?'..
Now,I'm a generous tipper.Really.
If I'm at your station,and all things bein' equal,you can generally figure on 30%..It's how I roll.
Still,I was struck by the impertinance,if not downright rudeness of that question!..I couldn't he'p it...
'Yeah,..as a matter of fact I will
be needing my change!..Will you
be needing your Spleen tonight?'
I don't think I'll be going back to Applebee's anytime soon.
Labels: Lookin' good in the neighborhood