My dear friend JP is hangin' up his blog. We've known each other for going on 73 years now,and even though we've never met in real life,we've laughed,and cried,and raised our glasses in celebration 'till way past closing time,on more occasions than I can count.
I expect he'll drop in from time to time with a six-pack of Bud Light,and brighten Sling's Domain with his delightfully singular Brand O' Bitterness.
The following tune really isn't his cup of tea,as near as I can tell,..but like him,it's definitely a rare performance. ..I love you buddy!
'Sloop John P'..*yeah,..I fudged the title just a little.
Early last week,Mom O' LK got a phone call from our friends at the dog pound.
It seems that those two scamps,Morgan and Alex,had gone over the wall,and were found happily chasing cars on Interstate 70!
A highway patrol officer had brought them in.
Well,Mom-O hurried on down,and picked them up.
No bail required,on condition that she would make arrangements to get them neutered.
Two days later,LK and Mom-O were at work,so this time I picked up the phone.
'Hi..This is Miss A again..We just got a call that two dogs are loose on 70..Are your dogs home?'
Well,it's pouring down buckets of rain,and I'm in my PJ's,so I poke my head carefully out the back door..
'I don't see 'em ma'am,and I don't have any way to go get 'em'
'That's okay..I'll get a hold of Mom-O at work'..
So,..Miss A calls Mom-O,..Mom-O calls Brother B,..and she and Bro head out in the pouring rain to track down the two furbags.
Thirty minutes later,I get a phone call from Mom-O.
'Hey Sling..Are you SURE Morgan and Alex aren't home?'
'I'll check again,but I'm positive that,...oops'.
Sure enough,they had been taking shelter from the rain,and were obediently lodged in the back yard.
..Color me the fool.
I know that several people were totally inconvenienced,and that it couldn't have been any fun wandering the hi-way braving the monsoon,but I think the important thing to remember is,..I stayed warm and dry the entire time!
Morgan,Alex,and I are all in the dog house over this,but so far,only two out of three of us had to get our nuts cut..
Insanity:..Doing the same thing over and over,and expecting different results.
*Not one single Republican in the House of Representatives voted to pass Obama's economic Recovery Program.. Okay..How ignorant do you have to be,to steadfastly hold on to your tired rhetoric,once that line of thinking has proven to be utterly disastrous?
President Obama reached out,in good faith,and tried to embrace the Republicans. Even still,they puked up the same old party line that has put us squarely in the HOLY FLYIN' CRAP! situation we find ourselves in this very day.
'..and this is all the Democrats want,..and this is sooo the Democrats,..and,...and..The Democrats just want to yada,yada,yada,'..
**HURL!!**
YOU REPUBLICANS have had YOUR UNBRIDLED way for the last EIGHT YEARS!..and we're up to our asses in ravenous 'gators..YOU IGNORANT FUCKS!!.. How can you stand there with your bald faces hangin' out,and pretend like anything you have to say has any relevance whatsoever to life in the 21st century?..It's just.Fucking.Insulting. It's more than insulting. It's some kind of adjective that has never been defined in the history of FUCK YOU,EAT SHIT,..and DIE!
I'm done even thinking-about-thinking-about letting bygones be bygones. From this day forward,YOU OBLIVIOUS BASTARDS are my mortal enemy.
Like my Sainted Grandma used to say,'I wouldn't piss in your mouth,if your guts were on fire!'.. If there truly is a god,..Rush Limbaugh will run out of gas on the corner of 2nd street,and Montgomery avenue...
PROBLEM: Over the last several months,I have been experiencing ever increasing instances of being unceremoniously 'bumped' from my wireless modem connection. Once or twice a week,and for no apparent reason,I'd suddenly get the pop-up message, 'Unable to connect to preferred wireless network'. No connection..No Internet. I'd re-boot my computron,and everything would be fine...for a while. As time went on,this escalated to 3 or 4 times a week,then once a day,then 2 or more times a day,..until last Sunday,I was disconnected no less than ten times!
Well,enough of this crap!
Since Lizzard King wasn't having any problems staying connected,I decided the problem wasn't with the modem,but rather an internal malfunction with my laptop.
It may be that some of you have experienced this exercise in aggravation. If so,I'll spare you the FOUR FREAKIN' HOURS of hunting,and pecking,and searching through every diagnostic and troubleshooting procedure under the sun!..and walk you through the 'Wireless Connection Repair' procedure myself.
NOTE: You must be connected to the Internet to correct the problem,so I strongly suggest you do this before it gets too far out of hand. I was getting bumped the whole time I was diagnosing,and finally accomplished the task within a five minute window of opportunity!
Step #1 From the 'Start' menu,select 'Connect To',and choose 'Show all connections'..
Step #2 Right click on the wireless modem connection icon..
Step #3 From the pop-up window,select 'Properties'..
Step#4 You'll see your modem listed under 'Connect Using'..Select 'Configure'..
Step #5 In the next pop-up window,select 'Driver'..
Step #6 Next window,..click on 'Update Driver'..
Step #7 Choose to let windows search for the update on-line,and then click 'Next'..
Lickity-Split the program found,and downloaded the driver update,..and I haven't had any problems since!
I'm using the WINDOWS XP operating system...VISTA users should still find the process the same,or similar enough to figure out your own damm self.
At the tender age of 12,by way of neighborhood connections,I secured temporary employment at a local amateur dog show taking place over the weekend at the municipal park. My duties were simple. Patrolling the showgrounds scooping up dog shit (tons),and pulling apart snarling canines battling tooth and claw over territorial imperatives (many).
..Fifty cents an hour..Eight hours a day..Two days,in the hot Summer sun.
That wasn't the worst job I ever had,it was the first job I ever had,..and it was a total blast!..
Some thirty-five years later,I found myself the reluctant resident of the San Luis Valley Community Corrections facility in Alamosa,Colorado. Community Corrections is an alternative sentencing program..One last opportunity for convicted felons to redeem themselves,before the system decides that you're an irretrievable idiot,and sends you packing off to State Prison.
A primary requirement of your tenure at Corrections,is that you maintain full-time employment (30+ hours a week). Quitting your job,in most cases,is grounds for swift disciplinary action (Loss of good time,earned priveledges,fines,or imprisonment),and getting fired for cause earns you a ticket on the big green bus headed straight for 'The Joint'.
Alamosa business owners know this,and find the facility a bountiful source of laborers willing to take on the most menial tasks,and suffer the most degrading indignities without complaint. It is,quite literally,indentured servitude.
So,..don't ya know that for the last eighteen months of my incarceration,I was employed as a dishwasher by the most notorious of these taskmasters (even the guards at Corrections were like,'Dude..You have my sympathy'),..one 'Mrs. Durkin'.
She owned and operated one of the more popular restaurants in Alamosa. A very nice establishment really,comfortably decorated in a 'John Wayne' styled theme.
Now,..I'm not above manual labor to be sure. Mopping floors,scrubbing toilets,plowing through mountains of greasy pots and pans,topped off with numerous trips to the dumpster to discard buttloads of garbage can be made sufferable by keeping an eye on the ultimate prize..Completing your sentence,and going home.
Mrs. Durkin however,saw it as her civic duty to make every minute of your workday as thoroughly demeaning as her god-given talent for incessant human degradation could devise. Male employees were 'Mother Fuckers!',and 'Cock Suckers!'. Female employees were 'Bitches',and yes,..even 'Cunts!..' Epithets hurled with gusto at every opportunity.
During my time at True Gri..er..'The Steakhouse',..no less than four of her Corrections employees chose to walk off the job,knowing full well that 48 hours later they would be in prison. I.Shit.You.Not!
$5.15 an hour..Ten hour shifts (with one twenty minute break)...Eighteen months under the gnarled thumb of that screeching Harpy, who had sprung from the very loins of Satan himself..(Remind me to tell you about the time we didn't receive our paychecks at Christmas,because she was in Boulder buying herself a brand new big screen TV,and had neglected to turn our time cards in to the accountant)..
Our charming First Family will be spending their first full day in the White House today,and nothing could please me more than the thought of them going about the business of personalizing their new home.
I imagine Mom-in-Chief Michelle finalizing the family menus with her kitchen staff,Grandma carefully scrutinizing the Paul Revere silver service for smudges,Malia balancing on her bed,choosing just the right color push-pins with which to hang her 'High School Musical' posters,and my dear Little Sasha cheerfully pitching in by removing all of the 'This One's HOT George!' labels from the lavatory knobs in the residential bathrooms.
Of course,Barack himself is spending his first day at work engaging in a little house cleaning of his own by placing his newly authorized signature on several clear and simple Presidential directives,designed to set a new standard in White house ethics.. To wit;
The detention center at Guantanamo will be shut down by the end of this year.
There will be a pay freeze for all members of the White House staff,capped at $100,000.00 a year..For some,this means a reduction in salary.
A complete ban on any staff members receiving gifts.(I'm guessin' this may not include such things as getting a tie from the kids on Father's day..but I just don't know).
Lobbyists are forbidden to represent anyone they have worked for in the two years prior to this day,and extending for two years hence..In addition,members of his staff that leave government office will not be allowed to function as lobbyists for the duration of the Obama Presidency. ..And my personal favorite!
'Transparency,and rule of law will be the touchstones of my Presidency'.. The 'Freedom of Information Act' will mean exactly that! None o' this withholding information from the people simply 'because they can'. In the past,government officials have been held to a pretty low standard of reasons for denying public access..From now on, 'I don't feel like it' is no longer gonna fly! Quite naturally,matters of explicit national security must,of necessity,be held close to vest..But Obama made it clear that the public's right to know will be the first consideration in every case,and personally vowed to hold himself to this standard as well.
These are a few measures President Obama has signed into effect this very morning,with the clear intention of drawing a hard line between his administration,and the last. ..I wonder what he'll be doin' after lunch?
And now,back to our regularly scheduled Democracy..
Dear Valued Planet,
Due to technical difficulties beyond our control,there has been an eight year interruption of service.
You may have experienced a callous disregard for human rights,unbridled contempt for the principles our forefathers sacrificed so very much to establish,and a tragically self-serving display of ruthless power surges.
Our cracker-jack technicians have traced the source of the problem to a loose cannon careening wildly about the Oval Office,and have taken the necessary steps to correct the situation.
We regret any inconvenience this may have caused in the past,and look forward to serving you faithfully in the future.
I wish I didn't know now,what I didn't know then..
There's this weird paradox that occurs over time,that a body should be able to pass along to their progeny.
I mean,..if we can caution our children not to stick beans up their noses,and have them dutifully comply,why can't we impress upon them the tragic consequences of handing out their heart,like as if it were some kind of renewable resource?..
Well there's a paragraph that only works if you can hear the sound in my head,..so I'll rephrase.
Tuesday Jan. 13,2009. SYDNEY (Australia) Position: Island caretaker. Duties: Lazing around Australia's Great Barrier Reef for six months. Salary: 150,000 Australian dollars ($100,000).
I was born for the job.. I literally grew up on the beach in Southern California,and have a working knowledge of coastal ocean environments. Add to that my prodigious snorkeling prowess,and my years of experience in the Blogosphere,I think I'd make a sterling candidate for this position. Hell,..I could even survive on this remote island eating nothing but peanut butter sandwiches if I had to!..
Of course,they're expecting thousands of applications for this plum assignment,so in an effort to set myself apart from the ravenous hordes,I'm FedExing them an audio sample of my narrative skills,which I have transcribed here for your shopping convenience: ********************************************** 'Today,we're venturing out into the shallow waters off the Southern tip of Hamilton Island,on a unique snorkeling adventure! Here,on Australia's fabulous Barrier Reef,we'll get an up close and personal glimpse into some of the most breathtaking underwater scenery you'll find anywhere on Earth... So follow me,as I don my handy custom snorkel with built-in microphone,thoughtfully provided by the good folks over at Outback Bob's Sporting Goods Emporium,and all-you-can-eat Wallaby Bar-B-Que! *splash*.. ...This is a real treat kids! Just look at the dazzling display of indigenous flora and fauna,..many species of which are in very real danger of becoming extinct due to pollution,and worldwide climatic shifts. By golly!..We're in luck!..Off to our right is the powerful and majestic Portuguese Man O' War! ..let's move in for a closer look,shall we? I can't BELIEVE our good fortune! This rare and elusive jellyfish,dubbed 'Man O' War' for it's uncanny resemblance to an ancient class of warship,is truly an awe inspiring sight! It's gracefully trailing tentacles can reach lengths of up to thirteen feet,and are armed with thousands of tiny stinging cells which it uses to..AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!.. GET IT OFF ME!!..GET IT OFF ME!!!..LORD HE'P ME JESUS!!!.. IT BUURRRNNS!!!! ....krikey'.. ********************************************** ..I'm feelin' pretty good about my chances of gaining employment with this one kids,..so don't be surprised if you should find me basking,blogging,and recovering as well as can be expected in the Land Down Under comes the very near future!
Things seemed a little slow around Bloggertown this weekend,so I thought I'd try something different for some cheap grins and giggles. ...I ventured out into the netherworld that is 'Yahoo Chat'. Be advised,this is not for the faint of heart boys and girls!
There's a whole 'nuther socio-dynamic involved,and any deviation from Chat Room protocol will be dealt with swiftly,and without benefit of appeal. They let you know this up front,by suggesting you click on the FAQ's link before you make any attempt to reach out,and introduce yourself to a room full of strangers. I quite naturally ignored all that,and leaped into the fray..
Actually,'leaped' isn't exactly the right word. First,you have to find someplace among the 14,387 'rooms' where you might possibly engage some kindred spirits. Now,I enjoy 'Origami Madness','Guamanian Political Overviews',and 'Big Breasted Transsexuals' as much as the next guy,but I figured I'd be better off just visiting one of the establishments geared simply for the '50+' crowd.
So I picked a 50's chat room that seemed to be fairly active, (there's a little number next to each room to tell you how many people are currently in it), filled in the evil word verification thingy,and hit 'Enter'! ...Then I filled out the next one,..and the next one,..until I was finally successful in gaining access to the joint.
BAM!!..Suddenly I'm hit with a mad frenzy of hugs and kisses and emoticons of every possible stripe and 37 IM's from bored 21 year old co-eds who wanna play and mind boggling cyber-acronyms that disappear at the top o' the page before you have the slightest chance to decipher their meaning and HOLY CRAP!!.. Is anybody actually,..you know,..CHATTING??? ..I felt like I did that time I took the wrong freeway exit,and ended up running out of gas in East LA at three in the morning... Quite intimidating,..I assure you.
Well I gathered my wits,selected my font size and color,iggy'd all the bots,adjusted the volume control on my voice chat option,and proceeded to lurk quietly in the background 'till I had something of substance to contribute to the conversations that were flowing past me at the speed of light amongst the regulars.
..and I waited,..and waited, (I'm starting to get the gist of things), ..and waited. Until finally!..
chat_room_ missy69: 'makin duck soup for 1st time 2nite..any advice?'
sling_shot: 'Leave out the beak!!'...
Turns out,the regulars were a very pleasant group o' folks. Friendly,and gracious. Over the weekend,I got to where I recognized most of them,but I think I'll still just kinda hang out in the corner in the future..
I was moved by a recent request from my dear friend and faithful reader austexgrl,to rummage around in my giant stainless steel vault for a song that conveyed a feeling that I'm sure we've all been subject to at one time or another. Haven't you ever longed to be with someone so completely,that their absence left you in literal,and physical pain? That unsettled distress that begins in the pit of your stomach,and radiates into your chest so that you're very nearly caught short of breath for the damned inequity of the situation? Hence the term, 'heartache' I suppose..
In any case,speaking for myself,my thoughts immediately leaped to an especially plaintive ballad,performed by the lovely and talented Ms. Dusty Springfield. (Don't you just love her name BTW?..It's all breezy and natural,and totally in sync with the whole 60's era thing)..
I'm probably going a wee bit out on a limb here,but I'm gonna compare her remarkable vocal ability to the likes of even Barbara Streisand. Of course,she never did achieve the diva status over the years that Barb enjoyed. ...But still.
It's like library quiet..Hell,..it's like freakin' mausoleum quiet fer chrissake! I mean,there ain't a damm thing goin' on,I'm here to tell ya. Even my mom would be like,'Dude,..you really need to get some booty up in here,and wreak a little havoc..Your dad and I are starting to worry about you'. ..But I'm not here to talk about that today.
Lately,there's been a battle royal going on between Bailey and Black Kat over who gets squatter's rights.
Little does Bailey suspect that Black Kat is on to his intentions to usurp his dominance.. Black Kat feigns weakness.. Encouraged by this display of submission,Bailey leaves himself wide open for the coup-de-gras! It's all over in an instant!... ..I can't remember the last time I had this much pussy rollin' around on the floor.
Congress is having it's regularly scheduled picnic today,for the eleventy-first time in our nation's history!
Newly elected,and re-elected members of The House and Senate are crossing their hearts and hoping to die,lest they suffer the consequence of having a thousand needles stuck in their eye, to uphold the Constitution of the United States,even as we speak. (Sadly,the practice of spitting on the ground afterward to seal the deal has fallen by the wayside in recent years).
Hey!..You ever watch those British kids on C-Span holding their Parliamentary free-for-alls,with great amounts of 'Harrumphing!' and 'Hear! Hearing!',..all the while casting thinly veiled doubts upon the legitimacy of the opposition's birth?..
Well,ours isn't as much fun as all that (due,in large part,to the absence of powdered wigs I suspect) BUT!,.. we do get the occasional party crasher!
It seems that the Senate's designated bouncer has 86'd Roland Burris from the Grand Soiree. Apparently his paperwork,sans the signature of the Secretary of State, wasn't deemed in proper order,and we all know that a bureaucracy can't very well be expected to function without reams of forms-in-triplicate,wrapped oh-so-prettily in miles of red tape.
Follows the list of things I think about that,..in alphabetical order;
A) Illinois governor Blagojavitch may be the scoundrel he's accused of being,but a fellow is presumed innocent until proven guilty,and until such time as that might transpire he has the right,if not the obligation,to appoint a replacement to fill the Senate seat left vacant by Barack Obama.
B) The good folks of the great State of Illinois are entitled to full representation in the Senate...That means two Senators.
C) Roland Burris himself is not under any cloud of suspicion. Should any transgressions come to light in the future,there is already a mechanism in place to remove him after he takes his Senate seat.
D) Just who the hell does the Illinois Secretary of State think he is,to 'veto' the sitting Governor's appointment of anyone under that state's Constitution?? ..By Cracky!
I personally believe that our Senate Democrats have bitten off a little bit more than they can ultimately choke down with this one.
Still,and because it is more properly left to the people being represented,I would defer to the the fine folks that actually reside in Illinois,should they hold an opinion contrary to my own.
You know what I get a real kick out of? I'll tell you what I get a real kick out of. I get a real kick out of adding yet another year to my Blogger archives.
Simple things amuse simple minds,and all that.
I also get a kick out of listening to a group of talented kids that have taken a pleasant little piece of classical music,tweaked the cadence from 3/4 time to 4/4 time,and added some damn fine lyrics,sung in delicate harmonies..
'How gentle is the rain That falls softly on the meadow, Birds high up in the trees Serenade the clouds with their melodies'.
...
